Lifetime Friends

Over the past few weeks, I have almost accomplished my goal of telling those who are really important to me. A few weeks ago, my friend Fleming moved from NJ to PA, and our group came together to help him out. I knew that this was going to be one of the few opportunities that most of the people who I had listed in my goals post were going to be together. Fleming had asked if I wanted to come help about a week before. I accepted and told him that I would see him that week. However, before I made the trip up, I had to decide on a few things.

Up to this point, I had only told two of my friends that I was gay. However, I knew that it was time to tell others. Once I knew I was going to be seeing the majority of my friends over the weekend, I texted one my closest and most dear friends in my life. Amy and I instantly knew that we were going to be best friends the day we meet. I really have to thank one my more crazier friends, Dave (a.k.a Bojangles), for introducing us. We met in our freshmen year of college, and some how I knew she was someone who I really liked. We agreed on so much, and to this day, we really understand what each other is thinking. We can just look at each other, and without a word, know exactly what the other one is going to say. When I sent her the text, I asked if we could speak on the side about "something." Well Amy is one of those people who if you leave anything open-ended, she is going to question it. I told her it was nothing big, but she would still have to talk to me about it. I explained to her that I was on personal journey through life to change some negative aspects of mine. I explained my journaling efforts, and that I am planning on possibly turning it into a blog or book. I also explained that I had set 4 goals, and one of them is to tell people in my life an aspect that I had hidden. I followed the explanation with "I am gay." My nerves were the same as usual, butterflies and shaking hands. And with no hesitation, she said back "I know and I love you. Thanks for being honest with me."

When I told her, I was sitting at my cubicle. After that message, I was literally in tears. That is all I have ever wanted to hear: for people just to accept me for being me. I know that this statement is getting a little repetitive now, but this really sums up how people who are viewed as "different" want to feel. I have been told I was different my entire life, but I really never understood what people meant or why they said such things. To me, I was me and they were who ever they wanted to be. So why was I different? Is that not what human existence is, to be viewed as a unique person from the other 6 billions humans that exist? I mean if your purpose in life is to be the same as every other person, then that is good for you. Take for example fashion. Everyone dresses completely differently. We use fashion as a means to express a multitude of things. Whether it be our mood, our profession, the group of fiends with associate with, or our interests, the act of dressing and wearing clothes is expressively unique in and of itself. So if I am different, then are you not different, too? Amy has always understood me to be me. Her message has humbled me infinitely.

It was a relief to finally tell her about who I was, although she had know for years. My friends had all had their own suspicions, but they were just waiting on me to be comfortable with them and myself. She had asked if I had told any of the guys of the group yet. I had told her I was thinking about doing so that weekend, but I wasn't sure. I was actually a little bit fearful of telling the guys. These were some of my best friends in the world, and I did not want to ruin that. Personally, I think it is harder to tell guys you are gay. They are harder to relate with about it. As men, we are not too great at sharing our feelings. I have always been in touch with my emotions, but most men are not. However, as my other good friend, Kristen, put it, as long as you don't come out and tell them you have a big man crush on them, you have nothing to worry about. After I came out to Amy, I also came out to Kristen on the same day. It was a big day for me.

Kristen, like Amy, was another person who shared the same views as me. In college, I was known as a compulsive cleaner. I lived with three other guys in one apartment, but you wouldn't be able to tell that. I had daily cleaning regimes, and Saturday was my biggest cleaning day. Whenever we had people over to our apartment, we always received top ratings. We also had two bathrooms. One I shared with my friend Tom, and the other was shared by my friend Dave and our international incognito roommate, Uri. The only way that you would be able to tell guys lived here was, one, you saw all four of us were male, and two, you went into the Uri and Dave's bathroom. I cleaned it twice the whole year, and I think those were the only times it was cleaned (Let's not go there...). So naturally everyone used my bathroom, which was cleaned and wiped down daily, and all the ladies loved it. Seriously men, if you want to find a girlfriend, learn how to clean stuff, you will be surprised how many women will appreciate you more.

Anyway the point of this was, Kristen always loved to come over because we were (well, me really) clean guys. I don't really remember meeting Kristen, but now I can't imagine my life with her. She is an extremely positive person, and knows how to make you feel better when you are down. I knew that it was time to tell her after I had told Amy. In the back of my mind, I knew that her reaction was going to be same as Amy's and knowing that gave me the confidence to tell her, too.

Like most of my friends, Kristen lives far away. I really prefer to tell people in person, since it is something that is extremely personal to me, but North Carolina is little bit far away. I saw that she was on Facebook. I sent her a message asking her if she had few minutes to talk. She did not respond, and I thought she was away and just left her Facebook. I had just gotten into bed, when I heard my iPad alert me to a new message on Facebook; it was Kristen. I immediately went over to my computer and responded. Just like with Amy I lead up to big statement by explaining my reasoning behind it and telling her that it will not be big news to her. And again, I said "I am gay." She said to me "I am not surprised and I am really glad that you told me." All of my girl friends knew me so well. I have never had anything to hide from them, so I am not sure why I was so nervous. They have all accepted me as me, nothing more or less than that. She told me that the next step is going to be loving me. For anyone who is thinking about coming out or has just started coming out, you will undergo a change. For me, I don't think I really loved myself, but I am slowly figuring out how to do this after 23 years of living. You think this would be easy, but it's not as easy as saying "Me, I love you." After you come out, you are not changed. However, you're thinking is changed. Instead of having to hid your thoughts, you are able to speak your mind. You are able to tell others how you feel, really. And you are able to finally love yourself. If you can't do this, you will never truly be happy.

Both Amy and Kristen have given me the strength to finally be able to love myself for who I am. They have both supported me, even when I was not truthful with them. They knew who I was and were accepting of me, regardless of how I opened I was with myself and others. They knew that I would be ready in the future, and at that time they would be there to support me and love me. This journey has been a truly humbling and eye-opening experience. I have realized that people are ready for change and that they are ready to accept people for being themselves. Despite all the terrible news we hear, I am able to see some glimmer of hope for the world. There are people, like Amy and Kristen, who are ready for change and greater acceptance of the people. They have gave me the strength to be me and I am not sure what I would do without their guidance in my life. Thank you, Amy and Kristen, for being an outstanding representation of what the world is truly capable of achieving. I was able to head into the weekend with confidence to tell my male friends the truth.