Ripping off the metaphorical band-aid

3/30/2013  

As I have stated in earlier posts, I have set 4 objectives for myself to achieve. It is in my opinion that by actually writing down your goals/objectives, you are able to more effectively accomplish them. That is another reason that I am doing this blog series. I have always had these goals, but I never really accomplished them, or even worked towards accomplishing them. By writing down my goals and posting daily updates, I am reminded that I have these goals and I need to work towards achieving them. Today, I took a huge leap of faith and told someone that I was gay. Although I had ripped off the metaphorical band-aid that I had been using to mask my inner self, I felt no pain at all. In fact, I felt amazing!

Most of my friends from college live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or some other northern state. Needless to say, I do a lot of driving to meet up with them. My friend Tom usually has a party every few months at his house. Most of my friends, who were listed in my goals post, were going to be there. I knew I was going to tell one of them about who I am.

I do not believe that I have explained fully why I decided it was time for me to come out, and be true to myself. It was a few weeks before, and Tom had hosted another party for St. Patrick's Day. Yes, we drink a lot. I really do not understand how we made it through college, but we survived. At this party, Tom had some of his friends over to celebrate with us. Before this point, I was always able to hide my feelings, and really never felt any attraction to a guy. This partly due to not knowing many gay men and partly due to being extremely focused on other goals, but that night I did a complete 180 degree turnaround. Tom had invited one of his friends over named K. I am not sure if he is gay or not, but for his own personal reasons I have given him a one letter name. It is not up to other people to place a label on you. If he is not comfortable with being open, then it is just not his time, yet.

On this night, I felt a change. I felt a feeling that I had never once experienced in my life. I was crushing real hard on a guy. His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. They were blue, and I could tell he had deep story that was buried for his own reasons. I could look into them for hours. The whole night, we would exchange glances. Those type of glances where you would feel someone looking at you, then you would look up and see them turn their head or gaze somewhere else, and you would proceed to reciprocate. Now Tom and his friends are not big club or pop music fans, but I, my friend Amy, who you will find out about later, and K are huge pop fans, and we love to dance. Of course, we proceed to dance, and he danced with me. At the time, I was not out and the conception of this blog was unknown, but if there had been less people around, I would have reciprocated. My heart races now as I right this post. As the party was dying down, we had some pretty deep conversations. He was more than just a pretty face who could dance, he had actual substance to his personality. And my attraction grew greater and greater. Had I have been out that day, I know that I would have definitely made some sort of move. But so are the woes of being in the closet.

This one event in my life told me that it was time. I had never really experienced these types of feelings before. It was extremely difficult to have to feel this attraction and not be able to act upon it. And why you may ask? I asked myself the same question. I had allowed my own personal fears to affect how I act, and tell me who to like. I was tired of being in the dark, and finally I have taken the steps to change! Be yourself and do not let others tell you who you are! After I broke free of all the chains that were holding me back, I finally resolved to come out to the world, but more importantly, I came into myself.

With my new outlook in life, I headed back to Tom's ready to make my first step into the light. I wanted to tell a few people who were on my list, one in particular, Amy. However, due to health complications she could not make it that night, so I knew that it was just not the time to tell her. My friend Beth showed up, and I was relieved. I knew that it was time to tell her, and she would be first. Beth and I had always been close friends. She is someone who had experienced similar events in her life, and I have always felt comfortable around her. I had told her earlier that I was writing a potential book/blog. I explained the concept of it and what I had hoped to accomplish with my writing. I had also explained that I had four goals set in writing that I was working towards achieving. There were other people who were listening to our conversation, and everyone asked if I would share those goals. I politely declined, saying that they were personal and that I would share them latter. I also said to Beth on the side that I wanted to talk to her before she left, because I had something I had to tell her.

A few hours later, people began to leave, including Beth. I offered to escort her out, and that is when I told her about my true self. I walked her out to her car, and right before she went to get in, I said "I need to tell you something that I think you already know." With my heart racing, my palms sweating, and in a nervous voice, I came out and said "I am gay." The look on her face was a relief. At that instance I knew that it was going to be okay. Before she could say anything, I said "you already knew, didn't you?" It turns out that I was not good at hiding who I was. I had formed such great relationships with my friends that we just knew things about on another. She informed me that, yes, she did have her suspicions and that the others in our group of friends also had known. My friends had all known, but they were just waiting for me to tell them on my own terms. They did not want to out me or force me out. They knew that this was clearly something that I was struggling with internally, and when I was ready, I would let them know, too. If you think someone may be gay, please do not force it out of them. This is a extremely difficult reality that they must come to terms with before they allow you the privilege of knowing.

In this one instance, I discovered just how blessed I am to had made such great friends. I knew that just like I had told Beth, I would be able to tell the rest. And when I told them, I would be looked at as an unchanged person. I would be accepted for who I am, have always been, and will continue to be. I was truly humbled to have been in the presence of an amazing person, such as Beth. I have hidden who I was for 23 years. I would not choose to be to be gay, to be discriminated, to be labeled, to be bullied. I am gay and that is who I am. The fact that Beth accepted me for who I am, gave the strength and courage to continue in my journey of catharsis and metamorphosis.  Beth gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with her, and trusting her with something that was extremely personal to me. It is my opinion that your relationships with people are able to become true bonds when you are 100% honest with someone.

I was so relieved to have finally taken a step into the light. I had hidden who I was for so long. It was as if I had become numb to my true self. I have often wanted to tell people who I truly am in the past, but something would always hold me back. I was in a constant battle to deny these feelings. I always worried that if I drank too much that night, I might let something loose that I can not take back. However, these feelings are changing now. Thanks to Beth, I know that I am able to tell the world about who I am, and that I will be accepted by at least one person out there. As I have said before, I believe the biggest fear of coming out is rejection. I have now come to realize that even if I am rejected by the entire world for being me, I will at least be accepted by one.

I am lucky to have made such great friends who support me and offer me so much. I really have no way to repay them for their gratitude. It is my hope that I am able to live up to such greatness, and that we always continue to be friends. Coming out is an extremely difficult task. I know that there will be negativity in my experiences, but as long as long as I have my friends and family that support me, I know that I will accomplish much in life.