Goals

3/26/2013  

Today, on the drive home from work, I got this crazy idea to start documenting my thoughts daily. I often do most of my thinking during my commute to and from work, so you might want to get used to it! I have a lot of stuff that I want to get off my mind, so I figured that journaling and blogging about it would at least be a start. It’s been hard these past couple of years, both emotionally and physically. I feel that I need to start letting some of it out before I explode!  

But first I think it would be a good idea to set some ground rules of what I want to accomplish in this journey. For the next year I will blog at least one entry per night. The subject will be my thoughts, experiences, and my two cents, if you will, on the world. I am hoping that you will be able to gain something from this. I also hope that I inspire you to start your memoirs and accomplish something that you never thought you could. This is a challenge, and challenges are not supposed to be easy or futile. They should have meaning and will come with a vast sea of obstacles that you not only must overcome, but explode as if you were a firecracker on steroids. Additionally, I have four goals that I hope to accomplish with in this journey: 

Goal # 1: I am gay…   

        

This is my deepest secret that I have revealed to two people at the time of writing this entry. I have not been able to share with many people this side of me, but I suspect that they know already. I am gay, and I have been for most of my life. I have never been ashamed of this. I simply was not comfortable enough with myself to tell it. In grade school, I was always the one who was bullied, made fun of, and picked on. I often remember hating middle school, where I was beat up physically, emotionally, and mentally. In high school, I would tend to keep my head low and really try not to stand out. And in college, I just wanted to focus on school, friends, and life. I hid it, not because I was ashamed of it, but because it was the easiest thing to do. But now, I tend to go against the tide. Instead of hiding, I want to be open about it. I want the world to know I am gay! So I have a list of friends and family that will be the first to know. They are as follows and in no particular order:    

1      Lyndsey: 4/15/2013  
2      Amy: 4/11/2013  
3      Beth: 3/30/2013  
4      Fleming: 4/13/2013  
5      Pinto: 4/13/2013  
6      Tom: 4/13/2013  
7      Dave: 4/15/2013  
8      Maggie: 4/04/2013  
9      Dad  
10   Ashley (sister)  
11   Kristen: 4/11/2013  
12   Mom
13   Second Mom (Kathy) 4/20/2013


Rules:  

• As each person is told said person’s name must be crossed off the list and.  

• Must construct a blog entry strictly about telling that person: memorable quotes, feelings from both sides, and any wisdom that was gained.  

Goal # 2: Hey, Cupid! Over here, please!!  

In conjunction with goal # 1, I want to find my piece of happiness with my significant other. My dad often asks me “do you like women?” I always proceed to cut him off with a quick and snide “yes,” going on about how I want to focus on my career, I am not in the right financial situation to date, and that I have very little time to do so, but the truth of the matter is that I do want to date. During college, the former was true. I was extremely focused on my schooling and just enjoying life. I had often seen relationships break up friendships and put great stress on the ones involved. I did not want this, so I just never pursued one. And there was also the fact that I was in the closet the whole time, so pursuing a relationship would have been pretty much impossible. 

But as time has progressed, I have come to see that being alone in the world is nothing that I would wish on even my worst enemies. At this point in my life, all of my friends have begun settling down, and marriage is pretty common. I, on the other hand, have not been able to enjoy in this. I am tired of being alone in life. I want to find someone who I can share my life with, the good and the bad. I want to be able to find someone who will be there for me and cheer me up when I am down. I want to find the man who will be my friend and love me for who I am and not for who the world says I should be. I want to experience love and find that one person who might just be Mr. Right. I know that in this year I will probably not find “the one,” but I at least want to experience in some way what it means to be in love with someone.  I have never once been in a relationship in my life. So my second goal is:  

To meet someone and experience some form of love: the good and bad. 

                
A relationship is hard and tiring work. I guess there’s a reason it is called a commitment. I by no means expect to find “the one” in a year; however, I do want to experience what it means to be in love. No more being my calculative self. It's time I get myself a man! Since I am lacking in this field, I will accept all the help I can get in this. If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to comment or email me. Maybe I will try them and blog about it.  
Rules:  

• Must journal about anyone who I meet.  

• If a relationship is formed, updates must be provided monthly about how I am feeling and how it is progressing.  

• Must experience love!  

Goal # 3: I hate my job!

Let this be a lesson to all recent college grads: do not expect to find your dream job out of college. I was the one who always had a plan: go to college, major in business, graduate, go to Wall Street, make bundles of money, and live happily ever after. Well I guess something went wrong with that plan and reality. Reality is like a woman on her period that you have poked and prodded one too many times. You have exploded an atomic bomb, and now you are going down in the most inhumane way she can possibly think of. (I really don’t think this way about women, but you can be kind of “catty” during that time of the month.)                  

What I have come to discover is that the job market is pretty rough. I had these whimsical dreams that I would be in a completely different place than I am today. However, employers could care less about you dreams, goals, and objectives. They care about getting people who they know can do the role and who have these great skills that they can use at any given time. I have seen people who have less education, fewer skills, and nowhere near the aptitude to grasp high level thinking earning a higher salary than I am. How is this possible you may ask? Well the reason is the length of time that they have worked for these companies. I have seen people, who have spent the better part of 5-10 years in these roles, in the roles that I want to be. The reason they are there is solely due to the length of time they have worked for the employer. 
                 
While this may be fine for them, I am not content with waiting 5-10 years to be in that role. I did not go to college to have to come out and wait more time to get ahead in life. Additionally, the problem that I have with my current position is that I foresee no real upward momentum. I want to make a difference at some point and somewhere. Whether it is from this blog or from doing something monumental in my professional career, I want to make difference in life.  I did not sign up in life to be someone who sits there and waste their life doing nothing of any significance (although, up to this point in my life, I feel that may be all that I have accomplished). Therefore, my next objective for this year is to:     

GET A CAREER でございる(degozairu)

                         
As I have informed you, I am fluent in the Japanese language. And while I would prefer to compose this journal in the Japanese language, I do not think that would beneficial at this time since this type of thinking goes directly against their way of thinking, and that’s another story. However, that will not stop me from sneaking a random bit of it into this blog every once and while. Muahahaha…  

Anyway, this is actually a quote that I once offered to a friend (Pinto, you know what I am speaking of right now). So this goal is quite simple. Rather than rush into a job, I am going to spend this next year thinking about where I want to go in life, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. My last two jobs were flops, to say the least. I had rushed into without thinking ahead. They have turned out to be miserable and unyielding in my personal growth. My coworkers often tease me about my level experience, intellect, and language abilities. They often say to me “you have all this experience, and yet you are here.” However, an important life lesson that I have learned well is sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, and in the end you will have the last word. My view on this is, although I am in the same position, I am still different. What separates me from these types of people is that I am not content. These coworkers have been at the same level in this company for 6-7 years.  Let me share one of my favorite quotes with you: “before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect.”  

Goal # 4 I’m big boned...                  

This is something that I have struggled with for a very long time: my weight. Ever since I was young, I was always more chunky than the other kids. Throughout grade school and even college, I really struggled with my weight. My parents both worked during the day and even at night just to provide for me and my sister. So usually breakfast, lunch, and dinner were whatever was the quickest and easiest to put on the table. As a child, I was not into sports, physical activity, or any of the sorts. It’s not like I did not try to be active. In fact, I played soccer, baseball, and football for several years. I enjoyed kayaking and canoeing so much, I went to camp for it. But most of it did not interest me. I would rather watch T.V. or play video games than be physically active.                  

Now that I am an adult, these bad habits seemed to have followed me. I work long hours, come home late, eat whatever is quick, and go to bed. Not exactly the best and most healthy routine to have. On the weekends, I usually find myself playing video games all day, again not healthy. So this goal is relatively straightforward:  

Lose 50 pounds, or more.  

I am tired of feeling like someone trapped in a body that is not mine. I know that I am better than the person I am now. I have resolved to start being more physically active and productive.