Well, it has certainly been a while since I last posted. Posting everyday seemed like a viable option at the time; however, life has become really hectic as of late. I promise you, who ever you are reading this, that I have been working on my goals for the past few months. My first goal has been completed for the most part, with the exception of telling my family. This is not due to my fear of my father or sister knowing, but an uncertainty of how our relationship will change. While I do think that our relation will change, I do not think it will be negatively impacted. Everyone who I have conversed with on the subject of me being gay has said that it gets better, and I can attest to this fact. In the few months that have passed since I have come out of the closet, I have been able to create a great deal of positive energy and change in my life.
I have discovered a new passion for being fit and healthy. I know that it is not much, but over the past two months, I have lost 30 pounds. For me, this has been a been a great accomplishment. When I began this blog I never imagined being able to accomplish this is such a small period of time. My original goal was 50 pounds, and I am over halfway there. While this weight loss has been a great gain, I am now more resolved to go further than my original goal. My new goal will be to lose 100 pounds by next spring! This is quite ambitious, and it will not be easy. I have already begun to see myself plateauing. It is for that very reason that I am upping my challenge. I am one who does not succeed unless I have a monumental task set before me.
These past few months have really been a great period of self discovery for me, especially the last few weeks. I have unearthed qualities and attributes that I never imagined defined me. I partly owe this to a great mentor in my life, my marketing professor from college. He has been a great inspiration in my life to always succeed and go further than what I give myself credit for. Over the past few weeks, I began the process of applying to graduate schools. Upon my professor's recommendation, I am applying to Stanford, Penn State University, Georgetown University, and University of Maryland.
Stanford, in particular, has been an extremely cathartic and introspective experience for me. The essays have forced me to meditate on myself and define my being. I originally believed that I knew me and what defined me. However, I have come to realize even more about my being, and have even been able to reach a sense of clarity in all the fog of my life. One of the questions for this year's application is, "What do you want to do-REALLY-and why Stanford?" Yeah, these are extremely difficult essays. But in meditating on this, I came to realize what I want to do in life. I have often been told that I should teach; however, I usually would just defer by stating I can't stand ignorance. But for this very fact, it makes sense to me. When I say teaching, I am referring to being a professor. But my objective in choosing to go to grad school is a bipartite goal. In the long term, I would like to go for my PhD, but my overarching goal is to gain the experience and knowledge in order to be able to do that. A great professor is not someone who only has a great deal of academia, but also someone who holds unequaled resume experience. These professors have worked at the best companies, taken their knowledge, and applied it to those companies in order to create prosperity for the company, but more importantly, the environments and communities the operate in.
If someone told me years ago that I would have the courage to apply to Stanford, I would have stared at them in disbelief. However, it is for this very reason that I am applying to some of the top MBA programs in the country. I am now holding myself to greater standards. As Julia Child would have said, "You have to have the courage of your convictions." This quote is quite inspirational to me. It says that you have to have the courage and audacity to believe in yourself, and this has really inspired me through my undergraduate experiences, but more so in the process of applying to graduate programs. While Stanford realistically may be out of my reach, I am not going to belittle myself in comparison to others. I have put down on paper my most vulnerable, personal, and greatest experiences for Stanford to evaluate. It is with this conviction that I am able to stand up to this test.
Monday, August 12, 2013
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A Mother's Intuition
When I was still an infant, and even as a young child, my mother would always say to me, "Who will be king someday?" This is one my most treasured memories of my mother. My parents told me that they named me after a great conqueror. It was not until recently that I have come to understand why they chose such a name. If you have ever read Freakonomics, then you will know that a name has quantitatively been proven to attribute to one's future. Ever since I can recall, I remember my mother standing me up, and reciting to me, "Who will be king someday?" Back when I was young, I always took it as I was special and I was the little prince who got what he wanted. Although, I never did really get what I wanted.
The reason that I have come to see why my mother would say these words to me everyday was not to boost my ego or give me some sense of a god complex; rather, it was to tell me that I can accomplish great things. The upper class and nobility of the medieval times were remembered for what they accomplished, and some of the greatest of them often started from nothing. In her own way, I believe that my mother was telling me to accomplish something great.
When I was in middle school, I did not do so well in class. In fact, I was on the verge of failing most of them. My teachers always repeated the same line to my parents, "He knows the material, but he just doesn't do the work." They would often tell my parents that I would probably end up failing out of school and not amounting to much. Well, something triggered in high school, because I went from getting failing grades, to being on honor roll for 4 years straight. I guess I finally had a goal to work towards, college, and that always pushed me ahead.
But until recently, I still had not really grasped what my mother was telling back then. Over the past couple of months, I have accomplished more than I could have foreseen I have made a complete 180 degree turnaround in my life. Through sheer determination and self resolve, I have changed. I used to not worry about anything but my mind, which is the complete antithesis of my teachers' early predictions, but now I focusing not only maintaining a sharp and witty mind, but also physical and emotional health. All three are needed to live, and I was only living 1/3 of my life up until now.
When I reflect back on the last few months, I see that I have accomplished a great deal of my goals. I have come out to all my friends, and even new people who I have met (full disclosure for all). I have started focusing not only on my intellectual health, but my physical health, too. I am looking closely at what I eat, and I have done a lot of research on different types of activities to stay healthy. I have also been able to focus on my heart. I came out to someone that I had an attraction to. While the feelings were not reciprocated, I at least allowed all of my emotional shields to come down and put my true, inner self out. Finally, I have clear direction on where my next career goal is. In a few months, I will begin filling out graduate school applications. I have come to realize, with some consoling from a close mentor, that I will not be able to achieve the type of career that I am looking for without completing my graduate studies.
When I reflect on all of this, I see that in four months, I have done a great deal. My goal of this blog was to inspire people, but I did not believe that I would inspire myself throughout the process. I am not sure what lies ahead of me, yet. However, I know that if set my mind to something, I can accomplish anything. In a way, I guess my mother does live on. I always think back to that one question and think, "How can I accomplish something great?"
The reason that I have come to see why my mother would say these words to me everyday was not to boost my ego or give me some sense of a god complex; rather, it was to tell me that I can accomplish great things. The upper class and nobility of the medieval times were remembered for what they accomplished, and some of the greatest of them often started from nothing. In her own way, I believe that my mother was telling me to accomplish something great.
When I was in middle school, I did not do so well in class. In fact, I was on the verge of failing most of them. My teachers always repeated the same line to my parents, "He knows the material, but he just doesn't do the work." They would often tell my parents that I would probably end up failing out of school and not amounting to much. Well, something triggered in high school, because I went from getting failing grades, to being on honor roll for 4 years straight. I guess I finally had a goal to work towards, college, and that always pushed me ahead.
But until recently, I still had not really grasped what my mother was telling back then. Over the past couple of months, I have accomplished more than I could have foreseen I have made a complete 180 degree turnaround in my life. Through sheer determination and self resolve, I have changed. I used to not worry about anything but my mind, which is the complete antithesis of my teachers' early predictions, but now I focusing not only maintaining a sharp and witty mind, but also physical and emotional health. All three are needed to live, and I was only living 1/3 of my life up until now.
When I reflect back on the last few months, I see that I have accomplished a great deal of my goals. I have come out to all my friends, and even new people who I have met (full disclosure for all). I have started focusing not only on my intellectual health, but my physical health, too. I am looking closely at what I eat, and I have done a lot of research on different types of activities to stay healthy. I have also been able to focus on my heart. I came out to someone that I had an attraction to. While the feelings were not reciprocated, I at least allowed all of my emotional shields to come down and put my true, inner self out. Finally, I have clear direction on where my next career goal is. In a few months, I will begin filling out graduate school applications. I have come to realize, with some consoling from a close mentor, that I will not be able to achieve the type of career that I am looking for without completing my graduate studies.
When I reflect on all of this, I see that in four months, I have done a great deal. My goal of this blog was to inspire people, but I did not believe that I would inspire myself throughout the process. I am not sure what lies ahead of me, yet. However, I know that if set my mind to something, I can accomplish anything. In a way, I guess my mother does live on. I always think back to that one question and think, "How can I accomplish something great?"
Monday, June 17, 2013
Change for Yourself
Well, it has been a long time since I last posted. It's been a onerous past couple of months, and I am sorry that I have not posted anything for some time now. I have been really depressed lately, and it just took some time for me to get over it. When I started this journey, I knew it was going to be tough. Not that I was afraid, but I knew that I would have to keep on myself and always push myself to continue moving forward. I think that over the past couple of months, I somehow lost that vision. However, during lunch, I read an article that inspired me to do something that I have been preaching since the start of this blog. The article is:
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130606150641-658789-9-qualities-of-truly-confident-people?&affiliate=&
Although the article is about confidence, it also silently conveyed another theme to me. The theme is change. The author gives his opinion about which qualities define confidence. However, the author, in my opinion, would not have written the article, unless he wanted the audience to first understand what confidence is, but more importantly, to understand that they can change. Very few acts are committed without purpose.
This article inspired me to change. For the past few months, I have not worked on many of my goals, but now I am going to change. I have preached from the beginning of this blog about change and improving yourself, but I have lost that spirit. It is because of that I would like to offer up my own personal view of change.
Change is not a simple completion of one task or event. Change is constant. Change is not the mere occurrence of a singular event, but the culmination of the same event in repetition. Change is evolution. Evolution did not happen over one night, nor one month; evolution takes time. Therefore change will take time, and it will not be an instantaneous achievement that one can hope to obtain. Change is for yourself, and no other. Only you can change you.
I also would like to take the time to thank one of my dearest friends. She is the editor of this blog, Amy. She has always pushed me so that I would not fall off my path. For that, I am truly thankful to call her one of my best friends. Thank you, Amy!
http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130606150641-658789-9-qualities-of-truly-confident-people?&affiliate=&
Although the article is about confidence, it also silently conveyed another theme to me. The theme is change. The author gives his opinion about which qualities define confidence. However, the author, in my opinion, would not have written the article, unless he wanted the audience to first understand what confidence is, but more importantly, to understand that they can change. Very few acts are committed without purpose.
This article inspired me to change. For the past few months, I have not worked on many of my goals, but now I am going to change. I have preached from the beginning of this blog about change and improving yourself, but I have lost that spirit. It is because of that I would like to offer up my own personal view of change.
Change is not a simple completion of one task or event. Change is constant. Change is not the mere occurrence of a singular event, but the culmination of the same event in repetition. Change is evolution. Evolution did not happen over one night, nor one month; evolution takes time. Therefore change will take time, and it will not be an instantaneous achievement that one can hope to obtain. Change is for yourself, and no other. Only you can change you.
I also would like to take the time to thank one of my dearest friends. She is the editor of this blog, Amy. She has always pushed me so that I would not fall off my path. For that, I am truly thankful to call her one of my best friends. Thank you, Amy!
Sunday, May 5, 2013
A Different Path
One of my goals I set for myself was to find a new job, but this goal is quite important to me. It's not simply finding a job, but finding something more. I want to do something that is meaningful and something that will change the world. I have big ideas, but I feel that my voice is often lost when I voice these ideas. I know that there is some sort of untapped potential that is lying dormant within myself. Over the past few weeks, I have felt as though I have made significant progress in reaching this potential and possibly unlocking something more to myself, but I do know that the goals and objectives, that have not been set in this blog, will take more than what I am capable of doing now.
Yesterday, I met my marketing professor in D.C. for dinner. In my last post, I stated that he was like mentor to me. He has often given me the knowledge and encouragement to succeed in life. He once again provided me with direction that I believe will allow me to go further than I had previously imagined. As we sat and talked, I had expressed to him that I was looking at possibly pursuing an MBA in marketing. He told me that, for me, that would be best. He told me that I am not going to be happy until I challenge myself. People often tell me that I need to be challenged in order to really put forth my full effort. When I was younger, I never really saw this, but now that I reflect back on that statement, I do see why people tell me that. I am the type of person who does not like doing repetitive tasks. Once I am good at doing it, I get bored, because I no longer have to try to to do it well. I then lose interest, and finally my productivity is negatively affected. I think, in some way, E has understood this about me from the start. He would always challenge my intelligence level, work ethic, and analytical skills. He would always provide new and interesting topics, so that I was not essentially bored in school. Our capstone marketing class was brutal. We had to effectively become the marketing manager of the top companies in the world. We were handed a case in which we were presented with a problem and all the information to solve it. We had to use our knowledge of business, and present the CEO (i.e. E) with the our qualitative and quantitative results. Easy right?
Easy, if and only if, we had to provide a qualitative answer. I mean anyone can put BS down on a piece of paper and call that a "marketing plan," but not everyone can prove that it is a viable plan that will not only effectively solve the issue the company is facing, but also provide the financial backing to show that it will be cost effective. Needless to say, these were not just your simple, everyday problems. These were complex, convoluted problems that could be solved in more than one way. There was often information presented within the case itself that would lead you astray. The ability to solve these cases not only tested your business prowess but more importantly your ability to logically think through issues, while under strict deadlines. When we were handed a case, we had 2-3 days to complete them. My first case, I attempted by myself. Well, that worked not so great. I really didn't know very many people in the class, so I just did it by myself. I remember banging my head against the table, thinking "this is impossible." And, it was. In business, the most important part to realize is that successful businesses are not great because of one person, but great because of teams of people who work collaboratively to accomplish what may have seemed impossible to one.
Somehow, I managed to put something together, and handed in an mediocre case. The next case was around the corner, and I had no idea how I was going to finish another 14 cases. I thought for sure, I was going to drop the class and become a management major. Luckily, after talking with a few girls in the class, I realized that I was not alone. Now E, tends to forget names a lot. If he doesn't know you or doesn't think you are important enough, he will not remember your name. Instead, he will give you his own name. And, that is how I earned my name Harrisa. The three girls who I had confided in would soon comprise one of the best groups that I have ever had the chance to be in. Our group consisted of me, Mayo, Heethan, and Laura, or as we referred to it, H.A.L.S. Yes after that first case, we formed a group that not only would work on 15 cases for 3 months, while staying up til 4 a.m. every night, but we also formed a group that was actually pretty feared in our business classes. After finishing marketing management, we also took other marketing classes for fun, in which we kept our group. When it came time for presentations, we literally set the bar. E would make assignments hard and difficult on purpose, not to make it impossible to succeed, but to challenge you and help you unlock potential that you might not have known about. He would weight exams and assignments so that not everyone would fail. However, H.A.L.S. would often make these weights nonexistent. We would usually have the top grades in the class, not just because E liked us, but because we worked the hardest.
This is the reason that I enjoyed having E as a professor. Not because his classes were easy, but because every day and every semester was a challenge. I always came out of class knowing that I was actually learning something useful and tangible. E has always challenged me to be more than I see myself being. He has shown me that I am capable of achieving great things with hard work and determination. He has also shown me that in order to do this, I need to be challenged and cannot do the same repetitive tasks. I am the person who needs change and stress in my life to succeed. When companies ask me what my weakness is, I say "stress." I tend to stress out easily, but I don't view this weakness a detriment; rather I see it as something that increases my productivity. When I am under stress, I tend to think more logically. I handle stress very well, and thrive in it.
E has challenged me again, though. After telling him that I want to go back to school, he informed me that I should not look at middle or low tier schools. The only schools that I should look at are top tier MBA and MS programs. I was astonished to hear him say that. He said that I need to be challenged and that I am too intelligent to go to a school that will not be a challenge for me. He threw out a few schools that should apply to, including University of Maryland and Georgetown, but then he said that Stanford University should be one that I shoot for getting accepted to. I was really surprised to hear that school uttered. I had never really thought of me being qualified to enter such a prestigious school. I said to him, are you sure that I should apply to that school? He said yes, you are capable of so much more than you allow yourself to see. You need to be challenged and driven, and you will not be happy until you find work that will do that for you.
All this time I had been on the path of finding a new job, but maybe that road is a little longer now. Maybe in order to find the correct job that will turn into my career, I need to consider a tangent of going back to school. The more we conversed about the subject, the more I began to see that this could be exactly what I have been searching for. With an undergrad degree, I will never truly be capable of doing what I want to do in life. Every year, there are about 200,000 undergrad degrees "earned" per year in the U.S. With online degree programs and continuing education programs, anyone can get a four year degree. Yet, these programs offer "four year degrees" in under two years? Yes, anyone can get a degree, but are all degrees the same? No, my education was vastly different than most college graduates out there. I was given one-on-one attention, formed great friendships with my professors and classmates and was able to learn from highly esteemed faculty members. I spent four years studying, researching, and challenging myself. Yet, the same person who did not spend half the time I did learning and absorbing knowledge, have the same type of degree conferred upon them that I did?
All I am trying to say here is that, even though I have a four year degree, that does not mean that it is the same as a degree from an online college. I am not trying to bash the people who hold these degrees, nor am I trying to insult what they are doing. I think anyone who is earning some form of a degree should be applauded. Education is extremely vital, and America needs to change their way of thinking on this subject. However, the problem that were are facing in the job marketing is the dilution of degrees. Companies and employers have fallen prey to looking at a stack of papers as all being the same, rather than looking at where the paper came from and what that paper is made of. They see a four year degree and, regardless of the qualifications of that degree, lump them together as the same. So now I am compared with someone who is less intelligent and has less aptitude to complete the job.
When I think about all this that I have described above, I think graduate school is my next step. So if I may amend my previous goal # 3, I would restate it as: get into a top tier graduate school. I do not think finding a job is the right answer anymore. Instead, I once again need to challenge myself to succeed at something that I once thought beyond my reach. Earlier I stated that this journey I am on is not going to be easy; I will not only have to overcome obstacles, but explode through them, in order to achieve my life's ambitions. I know that this will not be easy, both mentally and financially. However, where there is a will, there is a way. I have spoken to my father about this, and he agrees with everything that E and I spoke about. He is willing to support me in any way possible. I know that this is something that I want to do, and I am going to make this work. I will be in grad school next year.
Yesterday, I met my marketing professor in D.C. for dinner. In my last post, I stated that he was like mentor to me. He has often given me the knowledge and encouragement to succeed in life. He once again provided me with direction that I believe will allow me to go further than I had previously imagined. As we sat and talked, I had expressed to him that I was looking at possibly pursuing an MBA in marketing. He told me that, for me, that would be best. He told me that I am not going to be happy until I challenge myself. People often tell me that I need to be challenged in order to really put forth my full effort. When I was younger, I never really saw this, but now that I reflect back on that statement, I do see why people tell me that. I am the type of person who does not like doing repetitive tasks. Once I am good at doing it, I get bored, because I no longer have to try to to do it well. I then lose interest, and finally my productivity is negatively affected. I think, in some way, E has understood this about me from the start. He would always challenge my intelligence level, work ethic, and analytical skills. He would always provide new and interesting topics, so that I was not essentially bored in school. Our capstone marketing class was brutal. We had to effectively become the marketing manager of the top companies in the world. We were handed a case in which we were presented with a problem and all the information to solve it. We had to use our knowledge of business, and present the CEO (i.e. E) with the our qualitative and quantitative results. Easy right?
Easy, if and only if, we had to provide a qualitative answer. I mean anyone can put BS down on a piece of paper and call that a "marketing plan," but not everyone can prove that it is a viable plan that will not only effectively solve the issue the company is facing, but also provide the financial backing to show that it will be cost effective. Needless to say, these were not just your simple, everyday problems. These were complex, convoluted problems that could be solved in more than one way. There was often information presented within the case itself that would lead you astray. The ability to solve these cases not only tested your business prowess but more importantly your ability to logically think through issues, while under strict deadlines. When we were handed a case, we had 2-3 days to complete them. My first case, I attempted by myself. Well, that worked not so great. I really didn't know very many people in the class, so I just did it by myself. I remember banging my head against the table, thinking "this is impossible." And, it was. In business, the most important part to realize is that successful businesses are not great because of one person, but great because of teams of people who work collaboratively to accomplish what may have seemed impossible to one.
Somehow, I managed to put something together, and handed in an mediocre case. The next case was around the corner, and I had no idea how I was going to finish another 14 cases. I thought for sure, I was going to drop the class and become a management major. Luckily, after talking with a few girls in the class, I realized that I was not alone. Now E, tends to forget names a lot. If he doesn't know you or doesn't think you are important enough, he will not remember your name. Instead, he will give you his own name. And, that is how I earned my name Harrisa. The three girls who I had confided in would soon comprise one of the best groups that I have ever had the chance to be in. Our group consisted of me, Mayo, Heethan, and Laura, or as we referred to it, H.A.L.S. Yes after that first case, we formed a group that not only would work on 15 cases for 3 months, while staying up til 4 a.m. every night, but we also formed a group that was actually pretty feared in our business classes. After finishing marketing management, we also took other marketing classes for fun, in which we kept our group. When it came time for presentations, we literally set the bar. E would make assignments hard and difficult on purpose, not to make it impossible to succeed, but to challenge you and help you unlock potential that you might not have known about. He would weight exams and assignments so that not everyone would fail. However, H.A.L.S. would often make these weights nonexistent. We would usually have the top grades in the class, not just because E liked us, but because we worked the hardest.
This is the reason that I enjoyed having E as a professor. Not because his classes were easy, but because every day and every semester was a challenge. I always came out of class knowing that I was actually learning something useful and tangible. E has always challenged me to be more than I see myself being. He has shown me that I am capable of achieving great things with hard work and determination. He has also shown me that in order to do this, I need to be challenged and cannot do the same repetitive tasks. I am the person who needs change and stress in my life to succeed. When companies ask me what my weakness is, I say "stress." I tend to stress out easily, but I don't view this weakness a detriment; rather I see it as something that increases my productivity. When I am under stress, I tend to think more logically. I handle stress very well, and thrive in it.
E has challenged me again, though. After telling him that I want to go back to school, he informed me that I should not look at middle or low tier schools. The only schools that I should look at are top tier MBA and MS programs. I was astonished to hear him say that. He said that I need to be challenged and that I am too intelligent to go to a school that will not be a challenge for me. He threw out a few schools that should apply to, including University of Maryland and Georgetown, but then he said that Stanford University should be one that I shoot for getting accepted to. I was really surprised to hear that school uttered. I had never really thought of me being qualified to enter such a prestigious school. I said to him, are you sure that I should apply to that school? He said yes, you are capable of so much more than you allow yourself to see. You need to be challenged and driven, and you will not be happy until you find work that will do that for you.
All this time I had been on the path of finding a new job, but maybe that road is a little longer now. Maybe in order to find the correct job that will turn into my career, I need to consider a tangent of going back to school. The more we conversed about the subject, the more I began to see that this could be exactly what I have been searching for. With an undergrad degree, I will never truly be capable of doing what I want to do in life. Every year, there are about 200,000 undergrad degrees "earned" per year in the U.S. With online degree programs and continuing education programs, anyone can get a four year degree. Yet, these programs offer "four year degrees" in under two years? Yes, anyone can get a degree, but are all degrees the same? No, my education was vastly different than most college graduates out there. I was given one-on-one attention, formed great friendships with my professors and classmates and was able to learn from highly esteemed faculty members. I spent four years studying, researching, and challenging myself. Yet, the same person who did not spend half the time I did learning and absorbing knowledge, have the same type of degree conferred upon them that I did?
All I am trying to say here is that, even though I have a four year degree, that does not mean that it is the same as a degree from an online college. I am not trying to bash the people who hold these degrees, nor am I trying to insult what they are doing. I think anyone who is earning some form of a degree should be applauded. Education is extremely vital, and America needs to change their way of thinking on this subject. However, the problem that were are facing in the job marketing is the dilution of degrees. Companies and employers have fallen prey to looking at a stack of papers as all being the same, rather than looking at where the paper came from and what that paper is made of. They see a four year degree and, regardless of the qualifications of that degree, lump them together as the same. So now I am compared with someone who is less intelligent and has less aptitude to complete the job.
When I think about all this that I have described above, I think graduate school is my next step. So if I may amend my previous goal # 3, I would restate it as: get into a top tier graduate school. I do not think finding a job is the right answer anymore. Instead, I once again need to challenge myself to succeed at something that I once thought beyond my reach. Earlier I stated that this journey I am on is not going to be easy; I will not only have to overcome obstacles, but explode through them, in order to achieve my life's ambitions. I know that this will not be easy, both mentally and financially. However, where there is a will, there is a way. I have spoken to my father about this, and he agrees with everything that E and I spoke about. He is willing to support me in any way possible. I know that this is something that I want to do, and I am going to make this work. I will be in grad school next year.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Everyone Needs a Mentor
"If you don’t wake up in the morning excited to pick up where you left your work yesterday, you haven’t found your calling yet." -Mike Wallace
Over the past several weeks, my interest and motivational levels to complete my work has decreased drastically. Every morning I wake up and think to myself "I should just take a personal day," but I somehow force myself out of bed, get a shower, and head off to waste eight hours of my life for 5 days a week. My work is extremely repetitive. Every week I do the same task over and over again. For some people, these type of tasks are great, but for me, I need change and something new that give me a challenge daily. I find that if I am not challenged, I often couldn't care less to give it 100% of my effort.
The quote above describes my current sentiments with respect to my career. I definitely agree that you will know when you have found your calling in life. Confucius once said "choose a job that you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Confucius hit the nail on the head with this one. We spend 1/3 of our lives working. With that in mind, a job should not be something that we have to do, but something that makes us happy to do it. Currently, I am not at all happy doing my job. I know that my calling is somewhere else.
Recently, I was contacted by my old marketing professor about having dinner. E, as I call him, is quite the odd man. Brilliant professor when it comes to marketing. He has a lot of experience that he often combined in teachings. He used to head up China's marketing division for Mobil, which has now merged with Exxon. He also holds a doctoral degree in marketing, and is extremely caring and inspiring to his students. He also is legitimately insane. He drinks a case of diet coke and several cups of coffee everyday. He is always buying random, useless things online, and in order to hide his spending from his wife, he has everything shipped to his office. He once purchased a Canada Goose jacket, and had it sent to the office. He then proceeded to wait for a day when he knew his wife was going to be out of the house for the day, brought the jacket in, and hid it under another jacket in the closet so his wife would not find it. Needless to say, his wife is not stupid. But back to my original thought, I had him for four years of marketing classes, and was able to learn a great deal from him. He has been very inspirational in my life and is the reason that I want to pursue marketing as my career.
E sent me message asking if I was living in the Baltimore area, which I replied that I was. He asked if I would like to have dinner with him. I told him that would be great, and we are meeting this Saturday for dinner. As I have stated beforehand, E is someone who I look up to as mentor. He started out with just a college degree and made a name for himself in the marketing community. He has great network and can offer a lot of assistance in steering you in the right direction. While at college, I was able to learn a lot from him, but I really never had the time to learn how he made his way in life. Although I have been lost in my career thus far, I feel that my meeting with E might just set me back on the right course for success.
The Pact of Bros
As the title suggests, it was time to tell my guy friends who I was. As I had already been informed by my friends who I had formerly conveyed my secret to, the four guys of our group already had guessed that I was gay. Yet, for some unknown reason, I was still nervous to tell them. If I reflect back on these feelings now, I would say that it was fear of the unknown. As I have stated in earlier blogs, the fear of the unknown can be quite burdensome to overcome. But as I have also stated before, the journey that I have embarked on should not and will not be easy to overcome. I recently read a quote from Bertrand Russel: "Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." What Russel is saying here is that fear is simply a piece of one's imagination; however, when we manifest this emotion, it can be detrimental to our lives. However, one cannot simply be free of fear. Rather the path to conquering fear is not overcome by brute strength, but it is up to one's mind to overcome. Fear is born from our imaginations, and in order to overcome it, we must first realize the emotion itself.
Most people go through life not realizing the actual reason that they are being held back is fear itself. Fear is an emotion that is not as easily realized as other emotions. However, Russel states that if we first realize that we are fearful and then train our minds to overcome this fear, we will have achieved some sort of realized intelligence that fear is present and we are able to overcome it. While I do still consider myself fearful in life, especially of the unknown, I do feel that I have achieved some form a self realization in that I am now finding myself with the ability to contest fear. As I headed to PA, I realized that what was holding me back was myself and only myself. For my fear was simply a part of me, that I had allowed to hold me back for far too long.
When I reached Etown, I met one of my friends for lunch. We were a little bit early, so we went back to the college and reminisced about the old days. Fleming finally called and said that they had just arrived, so we went over. At this point I still wasn't sure if I was going to tell the guys or not. I knew that this was a relatively large ordeal for Fleming. He was under a lot of stress from his parents to move out, and his lifestyle often clashed with theirs. For me, telling them was like the first step on the moon: "one small step for the gay community, one giant leap for Beowulf Harris." With that in mind, I didn't want to ruin anyone's day for them by stealing any lime light. So I just made myself as useful as possible, even if that meant washing every single dish that Fleming owned. Seriously, I washed dishes for like an hour and a half. But if that helped, then great.
We started at two and we were done around five or six I believe, at least with the moving part. At this time the only person who knew was Amy, but this would soon change. At this time, his apartment had a bed, dining room table, and a random assortment of bedroom furniture. Fleming wanted to get some additional things for his apartment, and we headed over to Target and Staples. Now let me explain Etown to everyone who has not heard of it (I highly doubt you have, too.) Etown is in the Middle of Nowhere, PA. We have a Giant, Kmart, Rita's, the Black Gryphon (our local bar), and the college. Therefore, if you need anything of good quality or want to go somewhere more fun, you must travel at least forty minutes. Which we did. Target and Staples were both a good forty minutes away. I had offered to drive, and Fleming drove as well. I had taken Tom and Pinto in my car.
Forty minutes is a very long time to think. While by no means was the drive there awkward, I still did have a lot on mind that night. I wanted to tell them I was gay, but the feeling was not right. For some reason, I was still afraid that I was going to be rejected. I knew from Amy and Kristen that they knew, but I was still holding myself back. Partly because of me, but partly because I didn't want how they viewed me to change. I really just wanted to stay bros with them. My guy friends and I considered ourselves pretty much like bros. Although we did not act like the typical sports bro, we did, on a deeper level, share the pact of the "bro." We knew each other pretty well and were able to share our emotions pretty causally with one another. It is rare for men to be able to share emotions with each other, and this is how we knew we had reach bro level. Seriously, any ladies, who want to good, kind hearted, single men, let me know, I will hook you up, with the exception of Fleming.
In order to save face, I did not tell them on the way there. However, the entire time we were out, the thought kept occurring, like a broken record player stuck on one line of a song. While at Target, Amy and Fleming went off to get what they needed, and Pinto, Tom, and I headed to the pillow department because we forgot pillows and wanted to sleep on something other than our arms. We picked up pillows and headed towards checkout, and yet again, the thought kept pushing on my mind. I kept thinking to myself "is now a good time, what about now, etc," but I kept holding myself back, the feeling still was not there. We waited for Fleming to finish up, and ordered some coffee to make it through the night. Again, I was sitting there contemplating telling them, but not being able to come to fruition with it.
Fleming finished up, and we head back to Etown. I do not really remember the first part of the drive back. It was at that time that my mind went on auto pilot; I was lost in really deep thought. The thought of telling Tom and Pinto kind of took over. I finally just resolved with myself, and finally told two of my closest guy friends "I am gay." My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I had prepared to hear the worst, but instead my friends did the complete opposite of what I had envisioned. They told me that they both knew and that this changes nothing. I have always been who I was, and that is who I am to them. I am the same person that they have become friends with, and this would not change.
Coming out to Tom and Pinto was a great a relief. I was not sure how I was going to be treated by guys when I came out them. However, I remembered what Kristen had told me, as long as I didn't confess a crazy man crush that I had on them, I should be okay. On the way back, I explained to them why I had waited and why I had decided to tell them now. They were very understanding and open to the fact that I was just being me. They did not tell me that I was wrong, that I was different, or that they thought that I was going through a phase. Just like everyone who I told before, they accepted me for me. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Fleming tonight, but they offered me some great advice. They told me that Fleming really would be fine with it, and that it would not change anything.
While I was still on the fence about telling Fleming, we headed back. We took our "loot" in, and headed back out to our favorite bar, The Black Gryphon. Amy and I used this time to talk about everything. Up to this point I had only told her via text, so it was nice to talk about everything in person. The liquor also helped, too. I told her that I was still on the fence about telling Fleming. She said that basically I will tell him when I was ready. Well, the fact was that I was ready to tell him. So I decided to tell him after we left the bar, because telling someone that in a bar really is not the time or place. Amy and I spoke about a lot. And it was really helpful to just talk some things out. Life advice: when you are feeling trapped, enclosed, or confused, talk to someone; it really helps you reorganize your thoughts. Talking to Amy really helped me realize that it was just me holding myself back.
After a few drinks, which the bartender, Dave, made with a heavy hand, we decided it was time for an FR. An FR is an acronym for food run. A food run is defined by 1) a state of inebriation or 2) a state of insomnia, in which said participants journey in the middle of the night to whatever late night food chain is open. When we were in college, the latter of the two conditions was quite prevalent, so FRs were quite frequent. However, since we were pretty tipsy, we decided that it was time to relive our college days. Amy knew I was going to tell him. I was just waiting for the right time. Well, that time did not present itself until I was about halfway through my chicken nuggets.
Somehow, we were on the subject of gay people. I do not quite remember how we managed our way to this, but it's not surprising seeing as we are quite random. By this point, I was done with keeping it in. Everyone that was there with the exception of Fleming knew. I said "since we are on the of subject of gay, Fleming, I am gay." Seriously there was no tact, no leading up to it, nothing but plain and simple. And then there was silence in the room, and all eyes on Fleming. He said something to the tune of "bro, that's cool and you are still my bro."
And with that, I had come out to everyone on my list, with the exception of Dave. Dave had left earlier that day, but I did come out to him via text the next day. He said the same as all the other guys, I am who I have always been and that is not going to change our friendship. But to me, my friendships with all of them changed, but in a positive way. To them, I was me, the me who I had always been. But they were different to me. I had never been able to be truthful about who I was to them, but now that had changed. I have been able to express my true feelings, and now they were no friends, but bros for life. I have stated on many occasions that my friends have truly humbled me during this journey, but on this day, I was more humbled than ever. College gave me more than vast amounts of knowledge, morals/ethics, and the capability of expanding my horizons. If it were not for me attending Etown College, I would have never had the chance to meet such exemplars of the good in humanity. I have always heard negative experiences of coming out. It was that which allowed my fears to form and grip me for so long. But my friends have shown me that there may be a glimmer of hope for humanity. Maybe someday being gay will not be consider negative, rather a part of life that is beautiful and normal.
I would like to end this with one of my favorite quotes from Latter Day's. In the beginning of the movie, Arron, the main character, says L.A. looked like a lot of dots that were not connected. Thinking back to those dots, he says:
Most people go through life not realizing the actual reason that they are being held back is fear itself. Fear is an emotion that is not as easily realized as other emotions. However, Russel states that if we first realize that we are fearful and then train our minds to overcome this fear, we will have achieved some sort of realized intelligence that fear is present and we are able to overcome it. While I do still consider myself fearful in life, especially of the unknown, I do feel that I have achieved some form a self realization in that I am now finding myself with the ability to contest fear. As I headed to PA, I realized that what was holding me back was myself and only myself. For my fear was simply a part of me, that I had allowed to hold me back for far too long.
When I reached Etown, I met one of my friends for lunch. We were a little bit early, so we went back to the college and reminisced about the old days. Fleming finally called and said that they had just arrived, so we went over. At this point I still wasn't sure if I was going to tell the guys or not. I knew that this was a relatively large ordeal for Fleming. He was under a lot of stress from his parents to move out, and his lifestyle often clashed with theirs. For me, telling them was like the first step on the moon: "one small step for the gay community, one giant leap for Beowulf Harris." With that in mind, I didn't want to ruin anyone's day for them by stealing any lime light. So I just made myself as useful as possible, even if that meant washing every single dish that Fleming owned. Seriously, I washed dishes for like an hour and a half. But if that helped, then great.
We started at two and we were done around five or six I believe, at least with the moving part. At this time the only person who knew was Amy, but this would soon change. At this time, his apartment had a bed, dining room table, and a random assortment of bedroom furniture. Fleming wanted to get some additional things for his apartment, and we headed over to Target and Staples. Now let me explain Etown to everyone who has not heard of it (I highly doubt you have, too.) Etown is in the Middle of Nowhere, PA. We have a Giant, Kmart, Rita's, the Black Gryphon (our local bar), and the college. Therefore, if you need anything of good quality or want to go somewhere more fun, you must travel at least forty minutes. Which we did. Target and Staples were both a good forty minutes away. I had offered to drive, and Fleming drove as well. I had taken Tom and Pinto in my car.
Forty minutes is a very long time to think. While by no means was the drive there awkward, I still did have a lot on mind that night. I wanted to tell them I was gay, but the feeling was not right. For some reason, I was still afraid that I was going to be rejected. I knew from Amy and Kristen that they knew, but I was still holding myself back. Partly because of me, but partly because I didn't want how they viewed me to change. I really just wanted to stay bros with them. My guy friends and I considered ourselves pretty much like bros. Although we did not act like the typical sports bro, we did, on a deeper level, share the pact of the "bro." We knew each other pretty well and were able to share our emotions pretty causally with one another. It is rare for men to be able to share emotions with each other, and this is how we knew we had reach bro level. Seriously, any ladies, who want to good, kind hearted, single men, let me know, I will hook you up, with the exception of Fleming.
In order to save face, I did not tell them on the way there. However, the entire time we were out, the thought kept occurring, like a broken record player stuck on one line of a song. While at Target, Amy and Fleming went off to get what they needed, and Pinto, Tom, and I headed to the pillow department because we forgot pillows and wanted to sleep on something other than our arms. We picked up pillows and headed towards checkout, and yet again, the thought kept pushing on my mind. I kept thinking to myself "is now a good time, what about now, etc," but I kept holding myself back, the feeling still was not there. We waited for Fleming to finish up, and ordered some coffee to make it through the night. Again, I was sitting there contemplating telling them, but not being able to come to fruition with it.
Fleming finished up, and we head back to Etown. I do not really remember the first part of the drive back. It was at that time that my mind went on auto pilot; I was lost in really deep thought. The thought of telling Tom and Pinto kind of took over. I finally just resolved with myself, and finally told two of my closest guy friends "I am gay." My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I had prepared to hear the worst, but instead my friends did the complete opposite of what I had envisioned. They told me that they both knew and that this changes nothing. I have always been who I was, and that is who I am to them. I am the same person that they have become friends with, and this would not change.
Coming out to Tom and Pinto was a great a relief. I was not sure how I was going to be treated by guys when I came out them. However, I remembered what Kristen had told me, as long as I didn't confess a crazy man crush that I had on them, I should be okay. On the way back, I explained to them why I had waited and why I had decided to tell them now. They were very understanding and open to the fact that I was just being me. They did not tell me that I was wrong, that I was different, or that they thought that I was going through a phase. Just like everyone who I told before, they accepted me for me. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Fleming tonight, but they offered me some great advice. They told me that Fleming really would be fine with it, and that it would not change anything.
While I was still on the fence about telling Fleming, we headed back. We took our "loot" in, and headed back out to our favorite bar, The Black Gryphon. Amy and I used this time to talk about everything. Up to this point I had only told her via text, so it was nice to talk about everything in person. The liquor also helped, too. I told her that I was still on the fence about telling Fleming. She said that basically I will tell him when I was ready. Well, the fact was that I was ready to tell him. So I decided to tell him after we left the bar, because telling someone that in a bar really is not the time or place. Amy and I spoke about a lot. And it was really helpful to just talk some things out. Life advice: when you are feeling trapped, enclosed, or confused, talk to someone; it really helps you reorganize your thoughts. Talking to Amy really helped me realize that it was just me holding myself back.
After a few drinks, which the bartender, Dave, made with a heavy hand, we decided it was time for an FR. An FR is an acronym for food run. A food run is defined by 1) a state of inebriation or 2) a state of insomnia, in which said participants journey in the middle of the night to whatever late night food chain is open. When we were in college, the latter of the two conditions was quite prevalent, so FRs were quite frequent. However, since we were pretty tipsy, we decided that it was time to relive our college days. Amy knew I was going to tell him. I was just waiting for the right time. Well, that time did not present itself until I was about halfway through my chicken nuggets.
Somehow, we were on the subject of gay people. I do not quite remember how we managed our way to this, but it's not surprising seeing as we are quite random. By this point, I was done with keeping it in. Everyone that was there with the exception of Fleming knew. I said "since we are on the of subject of gay, Fleming, I am gay." Seriously there was no tact, no leading up to it, nothing but plain and simple. And then there was silence in the room, and all eyes on Fleming. He said something to the tune of "bro, that's cool and you are still my bro."
And with that, I had come out to everyone on my list, with the exception of Dave. Dave had left earlier that day, but I did come out to him via text the next day. He said the same as all the other guys, I am who I have always been and that is not going to change our friendship. But to me, my friendships with all of them changed, but in a positive way. To them, I was me, the me who I had always been. But they were different to me. I had never been able to be truthful about who I was to them, but now that had changed. I have been able to express my true feelings, and now they were no friends, but bros for life. I have stated on many occasions that my friends have truly humbled me during this journey, but on this day, I was more humbled than ever. College gave me more than vast amounts of knowledge, morals/ethics, and the capability of expanding my horizons. If it were not for me attending Etown College, I would have never had the chance to meet such exemplars of the good in humanity. I have always heard negative experiences of coming out. It was that which allowed my fears to form and grip me for so long. But my friends have shown me that there may be a glimmer of hope for humanity. Maybe someday being gay will not be consider negative, rather a part of life that is beautiful and normal.
I would like to end this with one of my favorite quotes from Latter Day's. In the beginning of the movie, Arron, the main character, says L.A. looked like a lot of dots that were not connected. Thinking back to those dots, he says:
"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know, um, and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this... it makes sense. It's not just dots. And instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now."
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Lifetime Friends
Over the past few weeks, I have almost accomplished my goal of telling those who are really important to me. A few weeks ago, my friend Fleming moved from NJ to PA, and our group came together to help him out. I knew that this was going to be one of the few opportunities that most of the people who I had listed in my goals post were going to be together. Fleming had asked if I wanted to come help about a week before. I accepted and told him that I would see him that week. However, before I made the trip up, I had to decide on a few things.
Up to this point, I had only told two of my friends that I was gay. However, I knew that it was time to tell others. Once I knew I was going to be seeing the majority of my friends over the weekend, I texted one my closest and most dear friends in my life. Amy and I instantly knew that we were going to be best friends the day we meet. I really have to thank one my more crazier friends, Dave (a.k.a Bojangles), for introducing us. We met in our freshmen year of college, and some how I knew she was someone who I really liked. We agreed on so much, and to this day, we really understand what each other is thinking. We can just look at each other, and without a word, know exactly what the other one is going to say. When I sent her the text, I asked if we could speak on the side about "something." Well Amy is one of those people who if you leave anything open-ended, she is going to question it. I told her it was nothing big, but she would still have to talk to me about it. I explained to her that I was on personal journey through life to change some negative aspects of mine. I explained my journaling efforts, and that I am planning on possibly turning it into a blog or book. I also explained that I had set 4 goals, and one of them is to tell people in my life an aspect that I had hidden. I followed the explanation with "I am gay." My nerves were the same as usual, butterflies and shaking hands. And with no hesitation, she said back "I know and I love you. Thanks for being honest with me."
When I told her, I was sitting at my cubicle. After that message, I was literally in tears. That is all I have ever wanted to hear: for people just to accept me for being me. I know that this statement is getting a little repetitive now, but this really sums up how people who are viewed as "different" want to feel. I have been told I was different my entire life, but I really never understood what people meant or why they said such things. To me, I was me and they were who ever they wanted to be. So why was I different? Is that not what human existence is, to be viewed as a unique person from the other 6 billions humans that exist? I mean if your purpose in life is to be the same as every other person, then that is good for you. Take for example fashion. Everyone dresses completely differently. We use fashion as a means to express a multitude of things. Whether it be our mood, our profession, the group of fiends with associate with, or our interests, the act of dressing and wearing clothes is expressively unique in and of itself. So if I am different, then are you not different, too? Amy has always understood me to be me. Her message has humbled me infinitely.
It was a relief to finally tell her about who I was, although she had know for years. My friends had all had their own suspicions, but they were just waiting on me to be comfortable with them and myself. She had asked if I had told any of the guys of the group yet. I had told her I was thinking about doing so that weekend, but I wasn't sure. I was actually a little bit fearful of telling the guys. These were some of my best friends in the world, and I did not want to ruin that. Personally, I think it is harder to tell guys you are gay. They are harder to relate with about it. As men, we are not too great at sharing our feelings. I have always been in touch with my emotions, but most men are not. However, as my other good friend, Kristen, put it, as long as you don't come out and tell them you have a big man crush on them, you have nothing to worry about. After I came out to Amy, I also came out to Kristen on the same day. It was a big day for me.
Kristen, like Amy, was another person who shared the same views as me. In college, I was known as a compulsive cleaner. I lived with three other guys in one apartment, but you wouldn't be able to tell that. I had daily cleaning regimes, and Saturday was my biggest cleaning day. Whenever we had people over to our apartment, we always received top ratings. We also had two bathrooms. One I shared with my friend Tom, and the other was shared by my friend Dave and our international incognito roommate, Uri. The only way that you would be able to tell guys lived here was, one, you saw all four of us were male, and two, you went into the Uri and Dave's bathroom. I cleaned it twice the whole year, and I think those were the only times it was cleaned (Let's not go there...). So naturally everyone used my bathroom, which was cleaned and wiped down daily, and all the ladies loved it. Seriously men, if you want to find a girlfriend, learn how to clean stuff, you will be surprised how many women will appreciate you more.
Anyway the point of this was, Kristen always loved to come over because we were (well, me really) clean guys. I don't really remember meeting Kristen, but now I can't imagine my life with her. She is an extremely positive person, and knows how to make you feel better when you are down. I knew that it was time to tell her after I had told Amy. In the back of my mind, I knew that her reaction was going to be same as Amy's and knowing that gave me the confidence to tell her, too.
Like most of my friends, Kristen lives far away. I really prefer to tell people in person, since it is something that is extremely personal to me, but North Carolina is little bit far away. I saw that she was on Facebook. I sent her a message asking her if she had few minutes to talk. She did not respond, and I thought she was away and just left her Facebook. I had just gotten into bed, when I heard my iPad alert me to a new message on Facebook; it was Kristen. I immediately went over to my computer and responded. Just like with Amy I lead up to big statement by explaining my reasoning behind it and telling her that it will not be big news to her. And again, I said "I am gay." She said to me "I am not surprised and I am really glad that you told me." All of my girl friends knew me so well. I have never had anything to hide from them, so I am not sure why I was so nervous. They have all accepted me as me, nothing more or less than that. She told me that the next step is going to be loving me. For anyone who is thinking about coming out or has just started coming out, you will undergo a change. For me, I don't think I really loved myself, but I am slowly figuring out how to do this after 23 years of living. You think this would be easy, but it's not as easy as saying "Me, I love you." After you come out, you are not changed. However, you're thinking is changed. Instead of having to hid your thoughts, you are able to speak your mind. You are able to tell others how you feel, really. And you are able to finally love yourself. If you can't do this, you will never truly be happy.
Both Amy and Kristen have given me the strength to finally be able to love myself for who I am. They have both supported me, even when I was not truthful with them. They knew who I was and were accepting of me, regardless of how I opened I was with myself and others. They knew that I would be ready in the future, and at that time they would be there to support me and love me. This journey has been a truly humbling and eye-opening experience. I have realized that people are ready for change and that they are ready to accept people for being themselves. Despite all the terrible news we hear, I am able to see some glimmer of hope for the world. There are people, like Amy and Kristen, who are ready for change and greater acceptance of the people. They have gave me the strength to be me and I am not sure what I would do without their guidance in my life. Thank you, Amy and Kristen, for being an outstanding representation of what the world is truly capable of achieving. I was able to head into the weekend with confidence to tell my male friends the truth.
Up to this point, I had only told two of my friends that I was gay. However, I knew that it was time to tell others. Once I knew I was going to be seeing the majority of my friends over the weekend, I texted one my closest and most dear friends in my life. Amy and I instantly knew that we were going to be best friends the day we meet. I really have to thank one my more crazier friends, Dave (a.k.a Bojangles), for introducing us. We met in our freshmen year of college, and some how I knew she was someone who I really liked. We agreed on so much, and to this day, we really understand what each other is thinking. We can just look at each other, and without a word, know exactly what the other one is going to say. When I sent her the text, I asked if we could speak on the side about "something." Well Amy is one of those people who if you leave anything open-ended, she is going to question it. I told her it was nothing big, but she would still have to talk to me about it. I explained to her that I was on personal journey through life to change some negative aspects of mine. I explained my journaling efforts, and that I am planning on possibly turning it into a blog or book. I also explained that I had set 4 goals, and one of them is to tell people in my life an aspect that I had hidden. I followed the explanation with "I am gay." My nerves were the same as usual, butterflies and shaking hands. And with no hesitation, she said back "I know and I love you. Thanks for being honest with me."
When I told her, I was sitting at my cubicle. After that message, I was literally in tears. That is all I have ever wanted to hear: for people just to accept me for being me. I know that this statement is getting a little repetitive now, but this really sums up how people who are viewed as "different" want to feel. I have been told I was different my entire life, but I really never understood what people meant or why they said such things. To me, I was me and they were who ever they wanted to be. So why was I different? Is that not what human existence is, to be viewed as a unique person from the other 6 billions humans that exist? I mean if your purpose in life is to be the same as every other person, then that is good for you. Take for example fashion. Everyone dresses completely differently. We use fashion as a means to express a multitude of things. Whether it be our mood, our profession, the group of fiends with associate with, or our interests, the act of dressing and wearing clothes is expressively unique in and of itself. So if I am different, then are you not different, too? Amy has always understood me to be me. Her message has humbled me infinitely.
It was a relief to finally tell her about who I was, although she had know for years. My friends had all had their own suspicions, but they were just waiting on me to be comfortable with them and myself. She had asked if I had told any of the guys of the group yet. I had told her I was thinking about doing so that weekend, but I wasn't sure. I was actually a little bit fearful of telling the guys. These were some of my best friends in the world, and I did not want to ruin that. Personally, I think it is harder to tell guys you are gay. They are harder to relate with about it. As men, we are not too great at sharing our feelings. I have always been in touch with my emotions, but most men are not. However, as my other good friend, Kristen, put it, as long as you don't come out and tell them you have a big man crush on them, you have nothing to worry about. After I came out to Amy, I also came out to Kristen on the same day. It was a big day for me.
Kristen, like Amy, was another person who shared the same views as me. In college, I was known as a compulsive cleaner. I lived with three other guys in one apartment, but you wouldn't be able to tell that. I had daily cleaning regimes, and Saturday was my biggest cleaning day. Whenever we had people over to our apartment, we always received top ratings. We also had two bathrooms. One I shared with my friend Tom, and the other was shared by my friend Dave and our international incognito roommate, Uri. The only way that you would be able to tell guys lived here was, one, you saw all four of us were male, and two, you went into the Uri and Dave's bathroom. I cleaned it twice the whole year, and I think those were the only times it was cleaned (Let's not go there...). So naturally everyone used my bathroom, which was cleaned and wiped down daily, and all the ladies loved it. Seriously men, if you want to find a girlfriend, learn how to clean stuff, you will be surprised how many women will appreciate you more.
Anyway the point of this was, Kristen always loved to come over because we were (well, me really) clean guys. I don't really remember meeting Kristen, but now I can't imagine my life with her. She is an extremely positive person, and knows how to make you feel better when you are down. I knew that it was time to tell her after I had told Amy. In the back of my mind, I knew that her reaction was going to be same as Amy's and knowing that gave me the confidence to tell her, too.
Like most of my friends, Kristen lives far away. I really prefer to tell people in person, since it is something that is extremely personal to me, but North Carolina is little bit far away. I saw that she was on Facebook. I sent her a message asking her if she had few minutes to talk. She did not respond, and I thought she was away and just left her Facebook. I had just gotten into bed, when I heard my iPad alert me to a new message on Facebook; it was Kristen. I immediately went over to my computer and responded. Just like with Amy I lead up to big statement by explaining my reasoning behind it and telling her that it will not be big news to her. And again, I said "I am gay." She said to me "I am not surprised and I am really glad that you told me." All of my girl friends knew me so well. I have never had anything to hide from them, so I am not sure why I was so nervous. They have all accepted me as me, nothing more or less than that. She told me that the next step is going to be loving me. For anyone who is thinking about coming out or has just started coming out, you will undergo a change. For me, I don't think I really loved myself, but I am slowly figuring out how to do this after 23 years of living. You think this would be easy, but it's not as easy as saying "Me, I love you." After you come out, you are not changed. However, you're thinking is changed. Instead of having to hid your thoughts, you are able to speak your mind. You are able to tell others how you feel, really. And you are able to finally love yourself. If you can't do this, you will never truly be happy.
Both Amy and Kristen have given me the strength to finally be able to love myself for who I am. They have both supported me, even when I was not truthful with them. They knew who I was and were accepting of me, regardless of how I opened I was with myself and others. They knew that I would be ready in the future, and at that time they would be there to support me and love me. This journey has been a truly humbling and eye-opening experience. I have realized that people are ready for change and that they are ready to accept people for being themselves. Despite all the terrible news we hear, I am able to see some glimmer of hope for the world. There are people, like Amy and Kristen, who are ready for change and greater acceptance of the people. They have gave me the strength to be me and I am not sure what I would do without their guidance in my life. Thank you, Amy and Kristen, for being an outstanding representation of what the world is truly capable of achieving. I was able to head into the weekend with confidence to tell my male friends the truth.
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