The other day at work, I was listening to Pandora, and a song that struck all the right chords with me came on the radio. I have heard the song before and even own the album. It had always been a song that I really connected with, but for some reason, it really hit home for me this time. The song is "If You Could See me Now" by The Script. See below for the music video. The entire album is really inspiring and has gotten me through a lot.
Before I continue any further, it would be beneficial for me to preface my latter comments with some information into my past. In my senior year, something that is extremely difficult for me to speak about occurred. In my junior year of college, I had decided to complete my second study abroad session in Japan. My first session was purely recreational, it was a summer program and that is the real reason that I feel in love with Japan, but my second time was for actual credit. Being a double major, I was only required to study abroad for a semester, which was both convenient and troublesome at the same time. On one hand, I was able to finish both majors in four years, on the other hand, I did not gain as much as I wanted to from my studies.
The first semester I was abroad in Japan from September to the end of December. However, when I returned to the U.S., I found out that my parents had hidden something from me. My mom had become ill; she had a large red rash on the one side of her face. My parents told me that they did not want to tell me about this so that I would not worry while I was abroad. It was pretty shocking to come home and hear this, considering that at this time my aunt had passed away and I had also contracted mono, all at the same time. In other words, I was an emotional wreck; however, lucky for me, it was winter break (I think I would have died if I had to go back to class at the same time, lol). The doctors had diagnosed the rash as ambrosia. However, over the next few weeks, she began feeling fatigued, her muscles were aching, and she began to lose mobility. Finally, it was time for me to go back to school. (FYI: I live in Maryland and went to school in Pennsylvania) Right before I left, I asked her "Mom, are you sure you are fine?" She assured me she was and put a smile on her face, and told me "I will be fine." These words still haunt me to this day...
I usually called my mom every few days, just to let her now I was fine and not dead. However, in March, I found out that she was not fine. In fact, when she was trying to go to the doctors for a checkup, she had fallen and went to the hospital. The doctors decided that she needed to stay due to the amount of swelling she had in arms and legs. She had been in there for a few months, before she decided to tell me. After telling me this, I was quite shocked that what she had assured me was "fine," was not fine. Then I was angry that, once again, I was the last to find out. I understand why she had hid it from me. Me graduating from college with a degree was the only thing that she had wanted from me. I have been told that she was extremely proud of me and always spoke great things about me. Yet, I still found myself somewhat angry at my family for keeping this from.
My next year of college was the emotional roller coaster from the deepest parts of hell. There were days that I had to get up in class, grab some clothes, and go to the hospital. I was quite lucky, however, due to my professors being completely understanding of my situation. There would be days when she would ask for me because something was going wrong. I remember many drives home thinking that I was going to be too late or that I would never be able to tell her I loved her one last time. I shed many tears that year, which my friends and roommates can attest to. Life lesson: alcohol makes this worse, so do not drink when depressed, just don't do it...
In the end, there was not much medicine could do to help. On December 20, 2010, we lost her. My mother was 51 years old when she passed, and I still miss her dearly to this day. The next few days are kind of hazy in my memory. We had the funeral, and all the services that go along with it. I was in a really bad emotional state for the rest of that year. When I went back to college, I couldn't really focus too much. I had really great support there, though. My friends really helped my through a lot over the years. But it was still tough to resume everyday life as though nothing had happen. I also felt like somehow my graduation was not as special as I had wanted it to be. One of the few things I wanted was for my mom to see me walk across the stage, as the first college graduate in our family.
I regret a great deal when it comes to my mom. There would be days when I would not call her because I was "grown up" and independent. And she would call me and I would yell at her, saying, "you're ruining my life." Life lesson time: you will never outgrow your mother. She will always love you and take care of you no matter what. My mother was literally the center support of my life, and without her, I feel lost and unstable. If I could have one wish, I would wish to take everything negative back that I had said about her, and to tell her who I truly am: gay and proud. Right before she passed away, the doctor asked us if we wanted to tell her any last words. My father gave me a few minutes alone in the room, and the only thing that was coming to mind was to tell her I am gay. But like a moron, I stood there in silence. I said nothing, not even I love you. What kind of son am I? I would give anything just to say those words again.
But reality is cruel SOB. As I have stated before, I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming, but this is one my biggest regrets that will travel with me for the rest of my life. This situation is part of the reason I am writing this blog. If you are reading this, I hope that my mistakes might spark a flare somewhere deep inside of you. Don't ever let a chance pass you by, you never know where you will go. I have dedicated my life to making up for my mistake, and I hope that you will be somehow touched by my intentions.
With that said, lets return to my former thought. "If You Could See me Now" truly connected with my feelings. In the song, they start off with describing someone who has passed away. The singer wants to show the one who has passed away so much more than what he was able to. It turns out that the person that was lost was actually the singer's parents. The first lyric that really stood out to me was:
"I hope you're up there with God saying that's my kid."
I literally cry hearing this lyric. Although my mother could not be with me today, I know that she is somewhere watching over me. I live each day to make her proud of who I am becoming. Right before she passed, she gave me a look that said everything she wanted to say. They say that mother and child share a connection that can exceed the limits of normal communication. That one look told me everything that she wanted to communicate to me without speaking a single word. She told me she knew who I was, and that she would love me regardless. She said that she was proud and that I have made her life bright and fulfilling. She told me to always be true to who I am, and that I should not let anyone tell me how to live my life. She told me that she would always watch over me, and that I had no need to worry. At the time, I was a little oblivious to the look, but as I replay that moment in my mind, the message has become clear, as if it were burned into my memories for the entirety of time.
The next lyric, which really stopped me dead in my tracks, was:
"I still look for your face in the crowd.
Oh if you could see me now,
would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?"
This truly sums up my feeling and sentiments about losing my mother. I always think "what would Mom say to me here?" She was like my guidance counselor of life. She always knew that right thing to say and how to brighten my day. People often say I am intelligent, but if you really want to know true intelligence, you should have met my mother. I always wish I could hear my mom say "good job" to me one last time, as if she was telling me that you are on a great and righteous path and you are doing what you think is right. She would always be the first one who I told about any achievement or success I made. I knew that I could tell her anything and it would just make me feel right and great!
I challenge you to find a song in your life that makes you feel the same. When they say "music heals the soul," they are right. Post your comments below!
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