Most people go through life not realizing the actual reason that they are being held back is fear itself. Fear is an emotion that is not as easily realized as other emotions. However, Russel states that if we first realize that we are fearful and then train our minds to overcome this fear, we will have achieved some sort of realized intelligence that fear is present and we are able to overcome it. While I do still consider myself fearful in life, especially of the unknown, I do feel that I have achieved some form a self realization in that I am now finding myself with the ability to contest fear. As I headed to PA, I realized that what was holding me back was myself and only myself. For my fear was simply a part of me, that I had allowed to hold me back for far too long.
When I reached Etown, I met one of my friends for lunch. We were a little bit early, so we went back to the college and reminisced about the old days. Fleming finally called and said that they had just arrived, so we went over. At this point I still wasn't sure if I was going to tell the guys or not. I knew that this was a relatively large ordeal for Fleming. He was under a lot of stress from his parents to move out, and his lifestyle often clashed with theirs. For me, telling them was like the first step on the moon: "one small step for the gay community, one giant leap for Beowulf Harris." With that in mind, I didn't want to ruin anyone's day for them by stealing any lime light. So I just made myself as useful as possible, even if that meant washing every single dish that Fleming owned. Seriously, I washed dishes for like an hour and a half. But if that helped, then great.
We started at two and we were done around five or six I believe, at least with the moving part. At this time the only person who knew was Amy, but this would soon change. At this time, his apartment had a bed, dining room table, and a random assortment of bedroom furniture. Fleming wanted to get some additional things for his apartment, and we headed over to Target and Staples. Now let me explain Etown to everyone who has not heard of it (I highly doubt you have, too.) Etown is in the Middle of Nowhere, PA. We have a Giant, Kmart, Rita's, the Black Gryphon (our local bar), and the college. Therefore, if you need anything of good quality or want to go somewhere more fun, you must travel at least forty minutes. Which we did. Target and Staples were both a good forty minutes away. I had offered to drive, and Fleming drove as well. I had taken Tom and Pinto in my car.
Forty minutes is a very long time to think. While by no means was the drive there awkward, I still did have a lot on mind that night. I wanted to tell them I was gay, but the feeling was not right. For some reason, I was still afraid that I was going to be rejected. I knew from Amy and Kristen that they knew, but I was still holding myself back. Partly because of me, but partly because I didn't want how they viewed me to change. I really just wanted to stay bros with them. My guy friends and I considered ourselves pretty much like bros. Although we did not act like the typical sports bro, we did, on a deeper level, share the pact of the "bro." We knew each other pretty well and were able to share our emotions pretty causally with one another. It is rare for men to be able to share emotions with each other, and this is how we knew we had reach bro level. Seriously, any ladies, who want to good, kind hearted, single men, let me know, I will hook you up, with the exception of Fleming.
In order to save face, I did not tell them on the way there. However, the entire time we were out, the thought kept occurring, like a broken record player stuck on one line of a song. While at Target, Amy and Fleming went off to get what they needed, and Pinto, Tom, and I headed to the pillow department because we forgot pillows and wanted to sleep on something other than our arms. We picked up pillows and headed towards checkout, and yet again, the thought kept pushing on my mind. I kept thinking to myself "is now a good time, what about now, etc," but I kept holding myself back, the feeling still was not there. We waited for Fleming to finish up, and ordered some coffee to make it through the night. Again, I was sitting there contemplating telling them, but not being able to come to fruition with it.
Fleming finished up, and we head back to Etown. I do not really remember the first part of the drive back. It was at that time that my mind went on auto pilot; I was lost in really deep thought. The thought of telling Tom and Pinto kind of took over. I finally just resolved with myself, and finally told two of my closest guy friends "I am gay." My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I had prepared to hear the worst, but instead my friends did the complete opposite of what I had envisioned. They told me that they both knew and that this changes nothing. I have always been who I was, and that is who I am to them. I am the same person that they have become friends with, and this would not change.
Coming out to Tom and Pinto was a great a relief. I was not sure how I was going to be treated by guys when I came out them. However, I remembered what Kristen had told me, as long as I didn't confess a crazy man crush that I had on them, I should be okay. On the way back, I explained to them why I had waited and why I had decided to tell them now. They were very understanding and open to the fact that I was just being me. They did not tell me that I was wrong, that I was different, or that they thought that I was going through a phase. Just like everyone who I told before, they accepted me for me. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Fleming tonight, but they offered me some great advice. They told me that Fleming really would be fine with it, and that it would not change anything.
While I was still on the fence about telling Fleming, we headed back. We took our "loot" in, and headed back out to our favorite bar, The Black Gryphon. Amy and I used this time to talk about everything. Up to this point I had only told her via text, so it was nice to talk about everything in person. The liquor also helped, too. I told her that I was still on the fence about telling Fleming. She said that basically I will tell him when I was ready. Well, the fact was that I was ready to tell him. So I decided to tell him after we left the bar, because telling someone that in a bar really is not the time or place. Amy and I spoke about a lot. And it was really helpful to just talk some things out. Life advice: when you are feeling trapped, enclosed, or confused, talk to someone; it really helps you reorganize your thoughts. Talking to Amy really helped me realize that it was just me holding myself back.
After a few drinks, which the bartender, Dave, made with a heavy hand, we decided it was time for an FR. An FR is an acronym for food run. A food run is defined by 1) a state of inebriation or 2) a state of insomnia, in which said participants journey in the middle of the night to whatever late night food chain is open. When we were in college, the latter of the two conditions was quite prevalent, so FRs were quite frequent. However, since we were pretty tipsy, we decided that it was time to relive our college days. Amy knew I was going to tell him. I was just waiting for the right time. Well, that time did not present itself until I was about halfway through my chicken nuggets.
Somehow, we were on the subject of gay people. I do not quite remember how we managed our way to this, but it's not surprising seeing as we are quite random. By this point, I was done with keeping it in. Everyone that was there with the exception of Fleming knew. I said "since we are on the of subject of gay, Fleming, I am gay." Seriously there was no tact, no leading up to it, nothing but plain and simple. And then there was silence in the room, and all eyes on Fleming. He said something to the tune of "bro, that's cool and you are still my bro."
And with that, I had come out to everyone on my list, with the exception of Dave. Dave had left earlier that day, but I did come out to him via text the next day. He said the same as all the other guys, I am who I have always been and that is not going to change our friendship. But to me, my friendships with all of them changed, but in a positive way. To them, I was me, the me who I had always been. But they were different to me. I had never been able to be truthful about who I was to them, but now that had changed. I have been able to express my true feelings, and now they were no friends, but bros for life. I have stated on many occasions that my friends have truly humbled me during this journey, but on this day, I was more humbled than ever. College gave me more than vast amounts of knowledge, morals/ethics, and the capability of expanding my horizons. If it were not for me attending Etown College, I would have never had the chance to meet such exemplars of the good in humanity. I have always heard negative experiences of coming out. It was that which allowed my fears to form and grip me for so long. But my friends have shown me that there may be a glimmer of hope for humanity. Maybe someday being gay will not be consider negative, rather a part of life that is beautiful and normal.
I would like to end this with one of my favorite quotes from Latter Day's. In the beginning of the movie, Arron, the main character, says L.A. looked like a lot of dots that were not connected. Thinking back to those dots, he says:
"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know, um, and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this... it makes sense. It's not just dots. And instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now."
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