Today, while checking my daily YouTube subscriptions, I found a really inspiring video on Mallow610's channel. While this may seem cliche, before I came out, I had searched "how to come out" on YouTube. In my search, I was inspired by another one of Mallow's videos: his own coming out story.
What his mother said really reminded me of what I think my mother would say to me. When you are coming out for the first time to anyone, it can be extremely difficult, stressful, and sometimes painful. There are tons of variables to consider and factor in, and if you are like me, calculative and controlling, this only adds to the stress. These factors can be unpredictable and volatile in nature, and not knowing is a killer. This fear of the unknown can cause a great amount of disparity, and often is the reason people detour from letting it out. However, this video really sent a message to me, telling me that it was okay and that I am being who I am.
However the video the I was formerly referencing (in the title) is about love. The video is titled "Love is Love," and can be found here:
In this video, there are several couples, single people, and YouTubers, who have come together to offer their own interpretation of the word "love." While I by no means would even begin to call myself an expert of the subject of love, I would like to offer my own opinions and interpretations of this word. Love is a subjective word that manifests different values, rules and level of importance for each individual. Love is not easily definable due to its erratic nature and ever changing meaning. It has several different contexts and uses.
One of the contributors pointed out that "love is learning to love yourself." The more I reflect on that statement, the more it harmonizes with me. Up until now, I was hardly able to admit to myself who I am as a person, much less the people around me, who I deem to be important in my life. I believe that in order to love, you must first love yourself. While at this point in my life I have only begun to do the former, I feel that I am discovering who I am as person, again. The point of this blog, and my new path that I am creating for myself in life, is to finally love myself for who I am, and not some irrational, colorless, dull being that the world says I should be. If I love another man, is that really wrong? Is that really going against the nature of being a human being?
It is my belief that in order to experience love, you must first learn to love yourself. Not as who someone tells you to love yourself as, but as the person that you believe you should love yourself for. Only after this act, will you finally be able to open your heart to someone else, and reciprocate that same feelings to them. There is a journey that we must all experience in our lives. That journey is to find our hearts. Underneath all the emotional layers we build up to protect ourselves from the harshness of reality is buried something that we could have long forgotten about. The heart is capable of so much, and all you have to do is know where it is and how to access it. Our hearts allow us to feel the warmth that someone just might be able to give us. They allow us to truly live for ourselves. Yes, they are quite fragile, and can be broken in an instant. But, one thing about hearts I think we have forgotten is they are unbreakable. Even though we may experience a broken heart, that does not mean it will not mend itself again; but the only way that a heart can mend itself is through love.
Although, I have just begun my journey, I am hopeful that over the next year, I may get the rare chance to share my heart with myself and friends, and on a much deeper level, someone significant to me. I have always told myself relationships are messy, complicated, and extremely difficult to navigate, but is this not essentially life itself? In denying my heart the chance to love, I have also deprived myself of living. One of the over-arching goals of my journey is to begin to actually live. We are all living, but how many of us are actually living? Over the past 23 years, I have worked extremely hard to make a living, but never have I once lived. All throughout high school, I was a hermit, to say the least. I was laser focused on one goal, and that was school. While this did pay off and I do not regret any my decisions, I do feel I could have accomplished more in these years had I taken the chance to live.
Yet, I did make significant progress in my college years. When they say college is the best four years of your life, I can attest to their validity. I made some of the most important and cherished connections in my four years of tenure at Etown (Elizabethtown College), both professionally and personally. I finally found a support network, which I have called upon over the past few years, that really has helped me improve vastly as a person. My friends have been there for me through it all, good and bad. Without them, I do not think I would be here passing along my experiences to you. I am truly humbled to have been able to meet such amazing people. Yet, to these friends, who I coveted so dearly, I had been living a farce for more than four years. My heart was never truly open to accepting what I had seen countless others find so easily. I am now at the point in my life, where my friends are starting to settle down and create their own families. I have seen these people grow close to their significant others, forming a bond that will last an eternity. Yet, I am still alone, never having experience what I have seen so commonly.
My point with all this is that love is to be shared. In all religions, beliefs, and customs,, there is some saying for love. Whether it be ying and yang or two peas in a pod, love is vital for everyone to live, so we do not simply exist in life. Love is love. Love happens regardless of orientation, gender, or societal beliefs. Love is not something that can be calculated or have an equation written to solve its many variables. Love is meant to be shared. Love is not simply a common feeling, but more an act or way of living. If you cut your heart off to accepting love, you are not only denying yourself the right to live, but the rights of others who are sending it to you. Love is not defined. Love is a subjective word that is retrospective to each individual. Therefore, I would perhaps amend my former statement to: "Love is you." Love is not something that can be defined for you. You must define it yourself. It does not start with someone else; rather, it starts with you. In order to open your heart to love, you must first meet your heart and love it for its true self. So I will end this post with a simple question:
Love is....?
I have defined what love is to me, but love will not be the same for you. You must look inside your heart and learn what that definition is for yourself. Only then will you be able to truly love yourself and love others. To Dan (Mallow610): Thank you for inspiring me. I truly do not think I would have the courage to come to terms with myself, without a push from you.
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