The Courage of Your Convictions

Well, it has certainly been a while since I last posted. Posting everyday seemed like a viable option at the time; however, life has become really hectic as of late. I promise you, who ever you are reading this, that I have been working on my goals for the past few months. My first goal has been completed for the most part, with the exception of telling my family. This is not due to my fear of my father or sister knowing, but an uncertainty of how our relationship will change. While I do think that our relation will change, I do not think it will be negatively impacted. Everyone who I have conversed with on the subject of me being gay has said that it gets better, and I can attest to this fact. In the few months that have passed since I have come out of the closet, I have been able to create a great deal of positive energy and change in my life. 

I have discovered a new passion for being fit and healthy. I know that it is not much, but over the past two months, I have lost 30 pounds. For me, this has been a been a great accomplishment. When I began this blog I never imagined being able to accomplish this is such a small period of time. My original goal was 50 pounds, and I am over halfway there. While this weight loss has been a great gain, I am now more resolved to go further than my original goal. My new goal will be to lose 100 pounds by next spring! This is quite ambitious, and it will not be easy. I have already begun to see myself plateauing. It is for that very reason that I am upping my challenge. I am one who does not succeed unless I have a monumental task set before me. 

These past few months have really been a great period of self discovery for me, especially the last few weeks. I have unearthed qualities and attributes that I never imagined defined me. I partly owe this to a great mentor in my life, my marketing professor from college. He has been a great inspiration in my life to always succeed and go further than what I give myself credit for. Over the past few weeks, I began the process of applying to graduate schools. Upon my professor's recommendation, I am applying to Stanford, Penn State University, Georgetown University, and University of Maryland. 

Stanford, in particular, has been an extremely cathartic and introspective experience for me. The essays have forced me to meditate on myself and define my being. I originally believed that I knew me and what defined me. However, I have come to realize even more about my being, and have even been able to reach a sense of clarity in all the fog of my life. One of the questions for this year's application is, "What do you want to do-REALLY-and why Stanford?" Yeah, these are extremely difficult essays. But in meditating on this, I came to realize what I want to do in life. I have often been told that I should teach; however, I usually would just defer by stating I can't stand ignorance. But for this very fact, it makes sense to me. When I say teaching, I am referring to being a professor. But my objective in choosing to go to grad school is a bipartite goal. In the long term, I would like to go for my PhD, but my overarching goal is to gain the experience and knowledge in order to be able to do that. A great professor is not someone who only has a great deal of academia, but also someone who holds unequaled resume experience. These professors have worked at the best companies, taken their knowledge, and applied it to those companies in order to create prosperity for the company, but more importantly, the environments and communities the operate in.

If someone told me years ago that I would have the courage to apply to Stanford, I would have stared at them in disbelief. However, it is for this very reason that I am applying to some of the top MBA programs in the country. I am now holding myself to greater standards. As Julia Child would have said, "You have to have the courage of your convictions." This quote is quite inspirational to me. It says that you have to have the courage and audacity to believe in yourself, and this has really inspired me through my undergraduate experiences, but more so in the process of applying to graduate programs. While Stanford realistically may be out of my reach, I am not going to belittle myself in comparison to others. I have put down on paper my most vulnerable, personal, and greatest experiences for Stanford to evaluate. It is with this conviction that I am able to stand up to this test. 
 

A Mother's Intuition

When I was still an infant, and even as a young child, my mother would always say to me, "Who will be king someday?" This is one my most treasured memories of my mother. My parents told me that they named me after a great conqueror. It was not until recently that I have come to understand why they chose such a name. If you have ever read Freakonomics, then you will know that a name has quantitatively been proven to attribute to one's future. Ever since I can recall, I remember my mother standing me up, and reciting to me, "Who will be king someday?" Back when I was young, I always took it as I was special and I was the little prince who got what he wanted. Although, I never did really get what I wanted.

The reason that I have come to see why my mother would say these words to me everyday was not to boost my ego or give me some sense of a god complex; rather, it was to tell me that I can accomplish great things. The upper class and nobility of the medieval times were remembered for what they accomplished, and some of the greatest of them often started from nothing. In her own way, I believe that my mother was telling me to accomplish something great.

When I was in middle school, I did not do so well in class. In fact, I was on the verge of failing most of them. My teachers always repeated the same line to my parents, "He knows the material, but he just doesn't do the work." They would often tell my parents that I would probably end up failing out of school and not amounting to much. Well, something triggered in high school, because I went from getting failing grades, to being on honor roll for 4 years straight. I guess I finally had a goal to work towards, college, and that always pushed me ahead.

But until recently, I still had not really grasped what my mother was telling back then. Over the past couple of months, I have accomplished more than I could have foreseen  I have made a complete 180 degree turnaround in my life. Through sheer determination and self resolve, I have changed. I used to not worry about anything but my mind, which is the complete antithesis of my teachers' early predictions, but now I focusing not only maintaining a sharp and witty mind, but also physical and emotional health. All three are needed to live, and I was only living 1/3 of my life up until now.

When I reflect back on the last few months, I see that I have accomplished a great deal of my goals. I have come out to all my friends, and even new people who I have met (full disclosure for all). I have started focusing not only on my intellectual health, but my physical health, too. I am looking closely at what I eat, and I have done a lot of research on different types of activities to stay healthy. I have also been able to focus on my heart. I came out to someone that I had an attraction to. While the feelings were not reciprocated, I at least allowed all of my emotional shields to come down and put my true, inner self out. Finally, I have clear direction on where my next career goal is. In a few months, I will begin filling out graduate school applications. I have come to realize, with some consoling from a close mentor, that I will not be able to achieve the type of career that I am looking for without completing my graduate studies.

When I reflect on all of this, I see that in four months, I have done a great deal. My goal of this blog was to inspire people, but I did not believe that I would inspire myself throughout the process. I am not sure what lies ahead of me, yet. However, I know that if set my mind to something, I can accomplish anything. In a way, I guess my mother does live on. I always think back to that one question and think, "How can I accomplish something great?"

Change for Yourself

Well, it has been a long time since I last posted. It's been a onerous past couple of months, and I am sorry that I have not posted anything for some time now. I have been really depressed lately, and it just took some time for me to get over it. When I started this journey, I knew it was going to be tough. Not that I was afraid, but I knew that I would have to keep on myself and always push myself to continue moving forward. I think that over the past couple of months, I somehow lost that vision. However, during lunch, I read an article that inspired me to do something that I have been preaching since the start of this blog. The article is:

http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20130606150641-658789-9-qualities-of-truly-confident-people?&affiliate=&

Although the article is about confidence, it also silently conveyed another theme to me. The theme is change. The author gives his opinion about which qualities define confidence. However, the author, in my opinion, would not have written the article, unless he wanted the audience to first understand what confidence is, but more importantly, to understand that they can change. Very few acts are committed without purpose. 

This article inspired me to change. For the past few months, I have not worked on many of my goals, but now I am going to change. I have preached from the beginning of this blog about change and improving yourself, but I have lost that spirit. It is because of that I would like to offer up my own personal view of change. 

Change is not a simple completion of one task or event. Change is constant. Change is not the mere occurrence of a singular event, but the culmination of the same event in repetition. Change is evolution. Evolution did not happen over one night, nor one month; evolution takes time. Therefore change will take time, and it will not be an instantaneous achievement that one can hope to obtain. Change is for yourself, and no other. Only you can change you.

I also would like to take the time to thank one of my dearest friends. She is the editor of this blog, Amy. She has always pushed me so that I would not fall off my path. For that, I am truly thankful to call her one of my best friends. Thank you, Amy!

A Different Path

One of my goals I set for myself was to find a new job, but this goal is quite important to me. It's not simply finding a job, but finding something more. I want to do something that is meaningful and something that will change the world. I have big ideas, but I feel that my voice is often lost when I voice these ideas. I know that there is some sort of untapped potential that is lying dormant within myself. Over the past few weeks, I have felt as though I have made significant progress in reaching this potential and possibly unlocking something more to myself, but I do know that the goals and objectives, that have not been set in this blog, will take more than what I am capable of doing now.

Yesterday, I met my marketing professor in D.C. for dinner. In my last post, I stated that he was like mentor to me. He has often given me the knowledge and encouragement to succeed in life. He once again provided me with direction that I believe will allow me to go further than I had previously imagined. As we sat and talked, I had expressed to him that I was looking at possibly pursuing an MBA in marketing. He told me that, for me, that would be best. He told me that I am not going to be happy until I challenge myself. People often tell me that I need to be challenged in order to really put forth my full effort. When I was younger, I never really saw this, but now that I reflect back on that statement, I do see why people tell me that. I am the type of person who does not like doing repetitive tasks. Once I am good at doing it, I get bored, because I no longer have to try to to do it well. I then lose interest, and finally my productivity is negatively affected. I think, in some way, E has understood this about me from the start. He would always challenge my intelligence level, work ethic, and analytical skills. He would always provide new and interesting topics, so that I was not essentially bored in school. Our capstone marketing class was brutal. We had to effectively become the marketing manager of the top companies in the world. We were handed a case in which we were presented with a problem and all the information to solve it. We had to use our knowledge of business, and present the CEO (i.e. E) with the our qualitative and quantitative results. Easy right?

Easy, if and only if, we had to provide a qualitative answer. I mean anyone can put BS down on a piece of paper and call that a "marketing plan," but not everyone can prove that it is a viable plan that will not only effectively solve the issue the company is facing, but also provide the financial backing to show that it will be cost effective. Needless to say, these were not just your simple, everyday problems. These were complex, convoluted problems that could be solved in more than one way. There was often information presented within the case itself that would lead you astray. The ability to solve these cases not only tested your business prowess  but more importantly your ability to logically think through issues, while under strict deadlines. When we were handed a case, we had 2-3 days to complete them. My first case, I attempted by myself. Well, that worked not so great. I really didn't know very many people in the class, so I just did it by myself. I remember banging my head against the table, thinking "this is impossible." And, it was. In business, the most important part to realize is that successful businesses are not great because of one person, but great because of teams of people who work collaboratively to accomplish what may have seemed impossible to one.

Somehow, I managed to put something together, and handed in an mediocre case. The next case was around the corner, and I had no idea how I was going to finish another 14 cases. I thought for sure, I was going to drop the class and become a management major. Luckily, after talking with a few girls in the class, I realized that I was not alone. Now E, tends to forget names a lot. If he doesn't know you or doesn't think you are important enough, he will not remember your name. Instead, he will give you his own name. And, that is how I earned my name Harrisa. The three girls who I had confided in would soon comprise one of the best groups that I have ever had the chance to be in. Our group consisted of me, Mayo, Heethan, and Laura, or as we referred to it, H.A.L.S. Yes after that first case, we formed a group that not only would work on 15 cases for 3 months, while staying up til 4 a.m. every night, but we also formed a group that was actually pretty feared in our business classes. After finishing marketing management, we also took other marketing classes for fun, in which we kept our group. When it came time for presentations, we literally set the bar. E would make assignments hard and difficult on purpose, not to make it impossible to succeed, but to challenge you and help you unlock potential that you might not have known about. He would weight exams and assignments so that not everyone would fail. However, H.A.L.S. would often make these weights nonexistent. We would usually have the top grades in the class, not just because E liked us, but because we worked the hardest.

This is the reason that I enjoyed having E as a professor. Not because his classes were easy, but because every day and every semester was a challenge. I always came out of class knowing that I was actually learning something useful and tangible. E has always challenged me to be more than I see myself being. He has shown me that I am capable of achieving great things with hard work and determination. He has also shown me that in order to do this, I need to be challenged and cannot do the same repetitive tasks. I am the person who needs change and stress in my life to succeed. When companies ask me what my weakness is, I say "stress." I tend to stress out easily, but I don't view this weakness a detriment; rather I see it as something that increases my productivity. When I am under stress, I tend to think more logically. I handle stress very well, and thrive in it. 

E has challenged me again, though. After telling him that I want to go back to school, he informed me that I should not look at middle or low tier schools. The only schools that I should look at are top tier MBA and MS programs. I was astonished to hear him say that. He said that I need to be challenged and that I am too intelligent to go to a school that will not be a challenge for me. He threw out a few schools that should apply to, including University of Maryland and Georgetown, but then he said that Stanford University should be one that I shoot for getting accepted to. I was really surprised to hear that school uttered. I had never really thought of me being qualified to enter such a prestigious school. I said to him, are you sure that I should apply to that school? He said yes, you are capable of so much more than you allow yourself to see. You need to be challenged and driven, and you will not be happy until you find work that will do that for you. 

All this time I had been on the path of finding a new job, but maybe that road is a little longer now. Maybe in order to find the correct job that will turn into my career, I need to consider a tangent of going back to school. The more we conversed about the subject, the more I began to see that this could be exactly what I have been searching for. With an undergrad degree, I will never truly be capable of doing what I want to do in life. Every year, there are about 200,000 undergrad degrees "earned" per year in the U.S. With online degree programs and continuing education programs, anyone can get a four year degree. Yet, these programs offer "four year degrees" in under two years? Yes, anyone can get a degree, but are all degrees the same? No, my education was vastly different than most college graduates out there. I was given one-on-one attention, formed great friendships with my professors and classmates  and was able to learn from highly esteemed faculty members. I spent four years studying, researching, and challenging myself. Yet, the same person who did not spend half the time I did learning and absorbing knowledge, have the same type of degree conferred upon them that I did?

All I am trying to say here is that, even though I have a four year degree, that does not mean that it is the same as a degree from an online college. I am not trying to bash the people who hold these degrees, nor am I trying to insult what they are doing. I think anyone who is earning some form of a degree should be applauded. Education is extremely vital, and America needs to change their way of thinking on this subject. However, the problem that were are facing in the job marketing is the dilution of degrees. Companies and employers have fallen prey to looking at a stack of papers as all being the same, rather than looking at where the paper came from and what that paper is made of. They see a four year degree and, regardless of the qualifications of that degree, lump them together as the same. So now I am compared with someone who is less intelligent and has less aptitude to complete the job. 

When I think about all this that I have described above, I think graduate school is my next step. So if I may amend my previous goal # 3, I would restate it as: get into a top tier graduate school. I do not think finding a job is the right answer anymore. Instead, I once again need to challenge myself to succeed at something that I once thought beyond my reach. Earlier I stated that this journey I am on is not going to be easy; I will not only have to overcome obstacles, but explode through them, in order to achieve my life's ambitions. I know that this will not be easy, both mentally and financially. However, where there is a will, there is a way. I have spoken to my father about this, and he agrees with everything that E and I spoke about. He is willing to support me in any way possible. I know that this is something that I want to do, and I am going to make this work. I will be in grad school next year. 

Everyone Needs a Mentor

"If you don’t wake up in the morning excited to pick up where you left your work yesterday, you haven’t found your calling yet." -Mike Wallace

Over the past several weeks, my interest and motivational levels to complete my work has decreased drastically. Every morning I wake up and think to myself "I should just take a personal day," but I somehow force myself out of bed, get a shower, and head off to waste eight hours of my life for 5 days a week. My work is extremely repetitive. Every week I do the same task over and over again. For some people, these type of tasks are great, but for me, I need change and something new that give me a challenge daily. I find that if I am not challenged, I often couldn't care less to give it 100% of my effort.

The quote above describes my current sentiments with respect to my career. I definitely agree that you will know when you have found your calling in life. Confucius once said "choose a job that you love, and you will never have to work a day in your life." Confucius hit the nail on the head with this one. We spend 1/3 of our lives working. With that in mind, a job should not be something that we have to do, but something that makes us happy to do it. Currently, I am not at all happy doing my job. I know that my calling is somewhere else.

Recently, I was contacted by my old marketing professor about having dinner. E, as I call him, is quite the odd man. Brilliant professor when it comes to marketing. He has a lot of experience that he often combined in teachings. He used to head up China's marketing division for Mobil, which has now merged with Exxon. He also holds a doctoral degree in marketing, and is extremely caring and inspiring to his students. He also is legitimately insane. He drinks a case of diet coke and several cups of coffee everyday. He is always buying random, useless things online, and in order to hide his spending from his wife, he has everything shipped to his office. He once purchased a Canada Goose jacket, and had it sent to the office. He then proceeded to wait for a day when he knew his wife was going to be out of the house for the day, brought the jacket in, and hid it under another jacket in the closet so his wife would not find it. Needless to say, his wife is not stupid.  But back to my original thought, I had him for four years of marketing classes, and was able to learn a great deal from him. He has been very inspirational in my life and is the reason that I want to pursue marketing as my career.

E sent me message asking if I was living in the Baltimore area, which I replied that I was. He asked if I would like to have dinner with him. I told him that would be great, and we are meeting this Saturday for dinner. As I have stated beforehand, E is someone who I look up to as mentor. He started out with just a college degree and made a name for himself in the marketing community. He has great network and can offer a lot of assistance in steering you in the right direction. While at college, I was able to learn a lot from him, but I really never had the time to learn how he made his way in life. Although I have been lost in my career thus far, I feel that my meeting with E might just set me back on the right course for success.

The Pact of Bros

As the title suggests, it was time to tell my guy friends who I was. As I had already been informed by my friends who I had formerly conveyed my secret to, the four guys of our group already had guessed that I was gay. Yet, for some unknown reason, I was still nervous to tell them. If I reflect back on these feelings now, I would say that it was fear of the unknown. As I have stated in earlier blogs, the fear of the unknown can be quite burdensome to overcome. But as I have also stated before, the journey that I have embarked on should not and will not be easy to overcome. I recently read a quote from Bertrand Russel: "Fear is the main source of superstition, and one of the main sources of cruelty. To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom." What Russel is saying here is that fear is simply a piece of one's imagination; however, when we manifest this emotion, it can be detrimental to our lives. However, one cannot simply be free of fear. Rather the path to conquering fear is not overcome by brute strength, but it is up to one's mind to overcome. Fear is born from our imaginations, and in order to overcome it, we must first realize the emotion itself.

Most people go through life not realizing the actual reason that they are being held back is fear itself. Fear is an emotion that is not as easily realized as other emotions. However, Russel states that if we first realize that we are fearful and then train our minds to overcome this fear, we will have achieved some sort of realized intelligence that fear is present and we are able to overcome it. While I do still consider myself fearful in life, especially of the unknown, I do feel that I have achieved some form a self realization in that I am now finding myself with the ability to contest fear. As I headed to PA, I realized that what was holding me back was myself and only myself. For my fear was simply a part of me, that I had allowed to hold me back for far too long.

When I reached Etown, I met one of my friends for lunch. We were a little bit early, so we went back to the college and reminisced about the old days. Fleming finally called and said that they had just arrived, so we went over. At this point I still wasn't sure if I was going to tell the guys or not. I knew that this was a relatively large ordeal for Fleming. He was under a lot of stress from his parents to move out, and his lifestyle often clashed with theirs. For me, telling them was like the first step on the moon: "one small step for the gay community, one giant leap for Beowulf Harris." With that in mind, I didn't want to ruin anyone's day for them by stealing any lime light. So I just made myself as useful as possible, even if that meant washing every single dish that Fleming owned. Seriously, I washed dishes for like an hour and a half. But if that helped, then great.

We started at two and we were done around five or six I believe, at least with the moving part. At this time the only person who knew was Amy, but this would soon change. At this time, his apartment had a bed, dining room table, and a random assortment of bedroom furniture. Fleming wanted to get some additional things for his apartment, and we headed over to Target and Staples. Now let me explain Etown to everyone who  has not heard of it (I highly doubt you have, too.) Etown is in the Middle of Nowhere, PA. We have a Giant, Kmart, Rita's, the Black Gryphon (our local bar), and the college. Therefore, if you need anything of good quality or want to go somewhere more fun, you must travel at least forty minutes. Which we did. Target and Staples were both a good forty minutes away. I had offered to drive, and Fleming drove as well. I had taken Tom and Pinto in my car.

Forty minutes is a very long time to think. While by no means was the drive there awkward, I still did have a lot on mind that night. I wanted to tell them I was gay, but the feeling was not right. For some reason, I was still afraid that I was going to be rejected. I knew from Amy and Kristen that they knew, but I was still holding myself back. Partly because of me, but partly because I didn't want how they viewed me to change. I really just wanted to stay bros with them. My guy friends and I considered ourselves pretty much like bros. Although we did not act like the typical sports bro, we did, on a deeper level, share the pact of the "bro." We knew each other pretty well and were able to share our emotions pretty causally with one another. It is rare for men to be able to share emotions with each other, and this is how we knew we had reach bro level. Seriously, any ladies, who want to good, kind hearted, single men, let me know, I will hook you up, with the exception of Fleming.

In order to save face, I did not tell them on the way there. However, the entire time we were out, the thought kept occurring, like a broken record player stuck on one line of a song. While at Target, Amy and Fleming went off to get what they needed, and Pinto, Tom, and I headed to the pillow department because we forgot pillows and wanted to sleep on something other than our arms. We picked up pillows and headed towards checkout, and yet again, the thought kept pushing on my mind. I kept thinking to myself "is now a good time, what about now, etc," but I kept holding myself back, the feeling still was not there. We waited for Fleming to finish up, and ordered some coffee to make it through the night. Again, I was sitting there contemplating telling them, but not being able to come to fruition with it.

Fleming finished up, and we head back to Etown. I do not really remember the first part of the drive back. It was at that time that my mind went on auto pilot; I was lost in really deep thought. The thought of telling Tom and Pinto kind of took over. I finally just resolved with myself, and finally told two of my closest guy friends "I am gay." My heart was about to beat out of my chest. I had prepared to hear the worst, but instead my friends did the complete opposite of what I had envisioned. They told me that they both knew and that this changes nothing. I have always been who I was, and that is who I am to them. I am the same person that they have become friends with, and this would not change.

Coming out to Tom and Pinto was a great a relief. I was not sure how I was going to be treated by guys when I came out them. However, I remembered what Kristen had told me, as long as I didn't confess a crazy man crush that I had on them, I should be okay. On the way back, I explained to them why I had waited and why I had decided to tell them now. They were very understanding and open to the fact that I was just being me. They did not tell me that I was wrong, that I was different, or that they thought that I was going through a phase. Just like everyone who I told before, they accepted me for me. I also told them that I wasn't sure if I was going to tell Fleming tonight, but they offered me some great advice. They told me that Fleming really would be fine with it, and that it would not change anything.

While I was still on the fence about telling Fleming, we headed back. We took our "loot" in, and headed back out to our favorite bar, The Black Gryphon. Amy and I used this time to talk about everything. Up to this point I had only told her via text, so it was nice to talk about everything in person. The liquor also helped, too. I told her that I was still on the fence about telling Fleming. She said that basically I will tell him when I was ready. Well, the fact was that I was ready to tell him. So I decided to tell him after we left the bar, because telling someone that in a bar really is not the time or place. Amy and I spoke about a lot. And it was really helpful to just talk some things out. Life advice: when you are feeling trapped, enclosed, or confused, talk to someone; it really helps you reorganize your thoughts. Talking to Amy really helped me realize that it was just me holding myself back.

After a few drinks, which the bartender, Dave, made with a heavy hand, we decided it was time for an FR. An FR is an acronym for food run. A food run is defined by 1) a state of inebriation or 2) a state of insomnia, in which said participants journey in the middle of the night to whatever late night food chain is open. When we were in college, the latter of the two conditions was quite prevalent, so FRs were quite frequent. However, since we were pretty tipsy, we decided that it was time to relive our college days. Amy knew I was going to tell him. I was just waiting for the right time. Well, that time did not present itself until I was about halfway through my chicken nuggets.

Somehow, we were on the subject of gay people. I do not quite remember how we managed our way to this, but it's not surprising seeing as we are quite random. By this point, I was done with keeping it in. Everyone that was there with the exception of Fleming knew. I said "since we are on the of subject of gay, Fleming, I am gay." Seriously there was no tact, no leading up to it, nothing but plain and simple. And then there was silence in the room, and all eyes on Fleming. He said something to the tune of "bro, that's cool and you are still my bro."

And with that, I had come out to everyone on my list, with the exception of Dave. Dave had left earlier that day, but I did come out to him via text the next day. He said the same as all the other guys, I am who I have always been and that is not going to change our friendship. But to me, my friendships with all of them changed, but in a positive way. To them, I was me, the me who I had always been. But they were different to me. I had never been able to be truthful about who I was to them, but now that had changed. I have been able to express my true feelings, and now they were no friends, but bros for life. I have stated on many occasions that my friends have truly humbled me during this journey, but on this day, I was more humbled than ever. College gave me more than vast amounts of knowledge, morals/ethics, and the capability of expanding my horizons. If it were not for me attending Etown College, I would have never had the chance to meet such exemplars of the good in humanity. I have always heard negative experiences of coming out. It was that which allowed my fears to form and grip me for so long. But my friends have shown me that there may be a glimmer of hope for humanity. Maybe someday being gay will not be consider negative, rather a part of life that is beautiful and normal.

I would like to end this with one of my favorite quotes from Latter Day's. In the beginning of the movie, Arron, the main character, says L.A. looked like a lot of dots that were not connected. Thinking back to those dots, he says:

"When I was a little kid, I use to put my face right up to them, you know, um, and I was just amazed because it was just this mass of dots, I think life is like that sometimes. But I like to think that, from God's perspective, life, everything - even this... it makes sense. It's not just dots. And instead we're all connected, and it's beautiful and it's funny and it's good. From this close we, we can't expect it to make sense, right now."

Lifetime Friends

Over the past few weeks, I have almost accomplished my goal of telling those who are really important to me. A few weeks ago, my friend Fleming moved from NJ to PA, and our group came together to help him out. I knew that this was going to be one of the few opportunities that most of the people who I had listed in my goals post were going to be together. Fleming had asked if I wanted to come help about a week before. I accepted and told him that I would see him that week. However, before I made the trip up, I had to decide on a few things.

Up to this point, I had only told two of my friends that I was gay. However, I knew that it was time to tell others. Once I knew I was going to be seeing the majority of my friends over the weekend, I texted one my closest and most dear friends in my life. Amy and I instantly knew that we were going to be best friends the day we meet. I really have to thank one my more crazier friends, Dave (a.k.a Bojangles), for introducing us. We met in our freshmen year of college, and some how I knew she was someone who I really liked. We agreed on so much, and to this day, we really understand what each other is thinking. We can just look at each other, and without a word, know exactly what the other one is going to say. When I sent her the text, I asked if we could speak on the side about "something." Well Amy is one of those people who if you leave anything open-ended, she is going to question it. I told her it was nothing big, but she would still have to talk to me about it. I explained to her that I was on personal journey through life to change some negative aspects of mine. I explained my journaling efforts, and that I am planning on possibly turning it into a blog or book. I also explained that I had set 4 goals, and one of them is to tell people in my life an aspect that I had hidden. I followed the explanation with "I am gay." My nerves were the same as usual, butterflies and shaking hands. And with no hesitation, she said back "I know and I love you. Thanks for being honest with me."

When I told her, I was sitting at my cubicle. After that message, I was literally in tears. That is all I have ever wanted to hear: for people just to accept me for being me. I know that this statement is getting a little repetitive now, but this really sums up how people who are viewed as "different" want to feel. I have been told I was different my entire life, but I really never understood what people meant or why they said such things. To me, I was me and they were who ever they wanted to be. So why was I different? Is that not what human existence is, to be viewed as a unique person from the other 6 billions humans that exist? I mean if your purpose in life is to be the same as every other person, then that is good for you. Take for example fashion. Everyone dresses completely differently. We use fashion as a means to express a multitude of things. Whether it be our mood, our profession, the group of fiends with associate with, or our interests, the act of dressing and wearing clothes is expressively unique in and of itself. So if I am different, then are you not different, too? Amy has always understood me to be me. Her message has humbled me infinitely.

It was a relief to finally tell her about who I was, although she had know for years. My friends had all had their own suspicions, but they were just waiting on me to be comfortable with them and myself. She had asked if I had told any of the guys of the group yet. I had told her I was thinking about doing so that weekend, but I wasn't sure. I was actually a little bit fearful of telling the guys. These were some of my best friends in the world, and I did not want to ruin that. Personally, I think it is harder to tell guys you are gay. They are harder to relate with about it. As men, we are not too great at sharing our feelings. I have always been in touch with my emotions, but most men are not. However, as my other good friend, Kristen, put it, as long as you don't come out and tell them you have a big man crush on them, you have nothing to worry about. After I came out to Amy, I also came out to Kristen on the same day. It was a big day for me.

Kristen, like Amy, was another person who shared the same views as me. In college, I was known as a compulsive cleaner. I lived with three other guys in one apartment, but you wouldn't be able to tell that. I had daily cleaning regimes, and Saturday was my biggest cleaning day. Whenever we had people over to our apartment, we always received top ratings. We also had two bathrooms. One I shared with my friend Tom, and the other was shared by my friend Dave and our international incognito roommate, Uri. The only way that you would be able to tell guys lived here was, one, you saw all four of us were male, and two, you went into the Uri and Dave's bathroom. I cleaned it twice the whole year, and I think those were the only times it was cleaned (Let's not go there...). So naturally everyone used my bathroom, which was cleaned and wiped down daily, and all the ladies loved it. Seriously men, if you want to find a girlfriend, learn how to clean stuff, you will be surprised how many women will appreciate you more.

Anyway the point of this was, Kristen always loved to come over because we were (well, me really) clean guys. I don't really remember meeting Kristen, but now I can't imagine my life with her. She is an extremely positive person, and knows how to make you feel better when you are down. I knew that it was time to tell her after I had told Amy. In the back of my mind, I knew that her reaction was going to be same as Amy's and knowing that gave me the confidence to tell her, too.

Like most of my friends, Kristen lives far away. I really prefer to tell people in person, since it is something that is extremely personal to me, but North Carolina is little bit far away. I saw that she was on Facebook. I sent her a message asking her if she had few minutes to talk. She did not respond, and I thought she was away and just left her Facebook. I had just gotten into bed, when I heard my iPad alert me to a new message on Facebook; it was Kristen. I immediately went over to my computer and responded. Just like with Amy I lead up to big statement by explaining my reasoning behind it and telling her that it will not be big news to her. And again, I said "I am gay." She said to me "I am not surprised and I am really glad that you told me." All of my girl friends knew me so well. I have never had anything to hide from them, so I am not sure why I was so nervous. They have all accepted me as me, nothing more or less than that. She told me that the next step is going to be loving me. For anyone who is thinking about coming out or has just started coming out, you will undergo a change. For me, I don't think I really loved myself, but I am slowly figuring out how to do this after 23 years of living. You think this would be easy, but it's not as easy as saying "Me, I love you." After you come out, you are not changed. However, you're thinking is changed. Instead of having to hid your thoughts, you are able to speak your mind. You are able to tell others how you feel, really. And you are able to finally love yourself. If you can't do this, you will never truly be happy.

Both Amy and Kristen have given me the strength to finally be able to love myself for who I am. They have both supported me, even when I was not truthful with them. They knew who I was and were accepting of me, regardless of how I opened I was with myself and others. They knew that I would be ready in the future, and at that time they would be there to support me and love me. This journey has been a truly humbling and eye-opening experience. I have realized that people are ready for change and that they are ready to accept people for being themselves. Despite all the terrible news we hear, I am able to see some glimmer of hope for the world. There are people, like Amy and Kristen, who are ready for change and greater acceptance of the people. They have gave me the strength to be me and I am not sure what I would do without their guidance in my life. Thank you, Amy and Kristen, for being an outstanding representation of what the world is truly capable of achieving. I was able to head into the weekend with confidence to tell my male friends the truth.

Lost in Processing

The more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not who the world labels me as, the more I find my perspective and outlook on life growing positive. Life has been pretty dark in the closet. I was fine with this while I had other goals to distract my attention. I can honestly say that I have accomplished a great deal with regards to school and my personal life. I have two college degrees, am bilingual, and have made some of the greatest friend anyone could have asked for, but after school ended and I moved back to MD, I had less to focus on. My job was not what I would call a "career," and I always had this looming thought that I would not be able unlock these chains that had bound my true self for so many years. 

But now, this has all changed. I have finally been able to embrace someone who I had buried away so long ago. I have heard some pretty terrible coming out stories. Stories of people who came out to friends and family, and were rejected for being themselves. I have heard of whole towns banning people from having any form of contact with someone who is gay. Bullying has become much worse today. The internet is an extremely powerful tool and, when used by people who have no sense of morality, can be an extremely dangerous tool. Yet, I can honestly say that I have not encountered any negative reactions or criticism for being who I am. My friends have all supported me for being who I am, and often thanked me for being honest with them. The latter part of this always hits home. I think for the majority of the LGBT community, we just want to be accepted for being who we are. We do not want you look at us a being different, because the fact is that most of us have not changed, we are simply allowing you to see who we have been all of our lives.

In these past few weeks, I have felt a positive change in my presence, almost like a glow of change has enveloped me and begun radiating change to others. It is in my opinion that too often people become stuck in the monotony we mistakenly call "life." I see people everyday who have decide to give up and continue living the lives they hate. In doing so, they have not only denied themselves of living their lives to the fullest, but more importantly they have become complacent. You see, the problem with people who become complacent is they lose the passion for living. They see their lives as all that they are going to be, and forget that they once had some spark of passion to live. It's as if they have had life sucked out of them, and now exist as blank shells of a person who once had looked ahead to a bright future, but now only see fog and darkness. They have become submissive to life, and, instead of fighting against the current, they are on a direct path down monotony lane. 

It has been two years since college. Those four years were some of the most memorable years of life. I discovered much about the world and who I was as a person. I was tested both scholastically and morally. My sense of being had changed and I was on a positive path, but after graduation, something changed. I lost my spark of life and was heading down the path I had described in my former thought. I was far away from my friends, and most of the friends I had back home had either moved or I just lost contact with them. My routine was simple: wake up early, get ready, sit in traffic, spend Monday-Friday doing useless, insignificant work, stay late to do said work, sit in more traffic, go to bed, rinse, and repeat. In these two years, I have lost my way in life. I always had planned my life to be perfect and easy: go to college, earn a degree, work at a large company, make a lot of money, live happily ever after, but somewhere, somehow, I lost the path and became disoriented in haze of thick fog.

Although, I am still unclear if my path is as clear cut as it once was, I do know that there is still a path somewhere out there. In my journey, thus far, I have discovered a great deal. I have found the true me that was once buried. I have embraced this being and begun a period of the metamorphosis and catharsis. This true being has lead me to find my resolve, again. Although I had always had goals and objectives and begun building a road that I thought would lead me to my success, I never really followed through with actually completing them. However, the new being that I am becoming is different. I have discovered that life does not always go the way that we had originally planned. Flexibility is the key to surviving. And in the discovery I have found sense of concrete being. Rather than mentally setting goals and objectives and hoping that would motivate me to achieve some greater calling in life, I have put these words down in stone. They are clear and concise with a strict timeline in which they must be completed.

I have learned that saying you are going to do something and actually doing that something is difficult, if not impossible to do. If you merely say you are going to complete something, there is nothing for you to benchmark your success against. However, by writing what I am going to do I am  reminded everyday that I have goals and timelines, and that failure is not an option. They say that the average human only uses about 10% of their brain's capacity. In other words, we only tap into 10% of our true potential, while the other 90% is wasted on nothing. Humans can only remember as much as the mind allows them to. The average human is blasted with 20,000 different mental stimuli on a daily basis. If I were to ask you to name all the different brands, companies, people, smell, sounds, and acts you witnessed today, do you think you would be able to give me accurate account? 

The answer is no. Our minds have mechanisms set in place to filter out all the useless junk that our minds are subjected to, and only allow the most important pieces of information through for memory processing. Our minds are constantly filtering, encoding, storing, retrieving, etc. large quantities of information everyday. Do you really think that your mind is going to allow something that you thought for an instant to enter your memory? For the majority of us, the answer will be no. Those thoughts that we think are important are actually lost in processing. 

However, there are ways to overcome the mind's filters and bypass what the mind allows to enter into its memory. By writing down our goals and objectives, we are able to actually tell the mind that "hey this is important, and I want this saved." The process of forming a memory can be described in three stages: sensory, short-term, and long-term. Sensory memory is all the information the mind has received from all five senses. This part is like a giant fishbowl where all the information that is perceived is dumped and processed instantly. This memory has an extremely shot life span of about 3-7 seconds. If they memory is deemed passable through the filters, then it is sent to short-term memory. Short-term memory is extremely limited, only allowing 4-5 items into its holding tank at one time. These memories, too, have an limited life span of only a few minutes. Again if deemed passable, the memory is sent to long-term where it enters a state of encoding. Unlike short-term and sensory, these memories have an unlimited lifespan and the storage capacity is relatively unlimited. This explains why you should never cram for any sort of test. Short-term memory does not have the capacity or lifespan to allow you to successfully remember everything. The process of encoding is taxing and takes a long time, which is why only select memories are sent to the long-term. The memories held in long-term are much stronger and the access capabilities are much faster. 

By journaling/blogging/writing down your goals and objectives, you are reminded on a daily basis what they are. By doing this you are able to successfully tell the mind that they are quite important and need to be coded to a longer term storage vessel. Thus, the memory stays with you as a guiding light. Although my path is still hazy, I do see that there is some sort of light showing me that a path does exist. It is for this reason that I am able push ahead and achieve my goals, little by little. 

One's True Self

As most of my friends know by now, I am a huge fan of Glee. That's correct, I do consider myself a "gleek." Glee has defied genres, revolutionizing modern T.V. They have set trends, changed opinions, and inspired the world to be themselves. Glee is more than music and dance. The underlying theme, throughout the entirety of the show, has always been acceptance. Glee has conveyed the importance of being who you are, and accepting yourself for that. They have shown that you are you, and that there is no one who can tell you otherwise. Eleanor Roosevelt once stated "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." In other words, society will always have something to say about everything. People will shout bigotry shamelessly at other people. However, you have a choice. The choice is whether you listen and allow it to affect you. They will try to make you feel inferior, if, and only, you allow them to.

Above is posted one Glee's original songs. I believe this sums up my experience, thus far, on coming out. What I have gained in my experience has been nothing but positive. My friends and family have accepted me for who I am. I have found out a lot about myself as a person, but more importantly, I have found out a great deal more about my friends as people. My friends have without a doubt accepted me for being me. This song really sums up my experience, and if you have not, I implore you to listen to it. I hope that it will not only inspire you to be true to yourself, but help you realize that we are on a constant journey of exploration of our lives and defining our existence in our own unique way. Life is not about the destination, but rather who you meet, how you get there, and what you learn along the way.

I came to this realization after I came out to a very close friend. I have known Maggie since freshmen year. Together, we studied Japanese and instantly clicked. I think she knew that I was gay pretty much since the start, but that is beside the point. Over the next couple of years, we bonded, like brother and sister. Her Japanese became worse, and mine forged ahead, but again, beside the point. She has always been someone who I could go to and talk with about anything. I knew telling her was going to be easy, but I still had butterflies and jitters the entire time leading up to me telling her. One thing that I have found out is that this feeling of nervousness never goes away. No matter how close or how well you know someone, you will always have some form of nerves.

Unfortunately, Maggie lives about 4.5 hours away. I usually like to tell people in person, but I was not about to drive that far. Luckily, with the help of "modern marvels," as some people still refer to them,  I was able to accomplish this relatively hassle free (A.K.A. Facebook). I had told Maggie previously about my journaling efforts and the goals I had set for myself. I told her that one goal in particular involved telling people in my life a certain part of my life that I had hidden from them. This was the moment. With my fingers shaking, my stomach filled with fluttering butterflies, I typed "I am gay." Now take note that the time of me telling her was a few days after April 1st. Her response was "Is this a belated April fools joke or are you being serious?" Not exactly the reaction one expects to hear, but again the timing of it was all too perfect.

I followed along and explained I was being serious. She responded with "Good on you for coming out, why the fuck would you think I would not love you and accept you the way you are, and kind of already knew. Love you!" Maggie had accepted me for who I am. She told me that she would love me for who I am and that I was no different. The song above, "You have more friends than you know," is referring to the fact that the friends you have now are extremely important. You may not realize it, but who you consider friends could be more than that. These friends will support you, be by your side all the way, and accept you for who you are, no labels attached. If they do not accept at first, they will. True friends may not realize what just happened and may need additional time to grow and comprehend what just happened. Remember, it took me years to finally resolve and let my true self free. They might need additional time, so let them have it; they will come to you when they are ready. If you lose some on your way, there are other friends you are destined to meet. So always push ahead, but never forget the past. When I told Maggie who I was, I not only gained a renewed definition of a friend, but I redefined what my journey was in life.

I've always had a fear of being flat out rejected by the one's who I deemed important to me. However, I feel this fear is changing. Instead of fearing, I have gained perspective. Perspective that I no longer need to fear rejection. I am who I am and you are who you are. With this perspective I have gained additional resolve to be more open about who I am. I am gay, but that does not define me. Rather, it is a mere part of my existence that make me unique from others. Being gay is part of my true self. I define gay by being true to myself, and not the other way around. Our true selves are realized when we are able to internalize what our existence consist of. This may be several unique pieces of one's being that, when melded all together from within, form a new being. This new being is your true self. It not only encompasses your new journey that you will soon embark upon, but all the pieces from your past. History is the building blocks of the future. Without studying and understanding our pasts, we are not a fully realized true being. Your past allows you to learn from your mistakes and use them to forge you path ahead in your life journey. And throughout this journey, this process of the redefining and metamorphosing into one's true being occurs a multitude of times. We spin multiple cocoons that allow us to internalize these new parts of our true being, thus strengthening our true self's vessel of existence.  And with this, our journey through out life is not just one single metamorphosis, but rather a culmination of multiple changes that create a single entity who has the ability to be true to themselves.

I think that I am finally on the path to figuring out who I truly am. I know that my friends and family will always support me. And with that support, I know that I will do great in life. I have never once forgotten my past, but rather I have built upon it in order to become a stronger person in life. I am who I am, have been, and will continue to be.

Educate for Service

If you ask any Etown College student, alumni, or professor what is Etown's motto, everyone would say to you: Educate for Service. One of the main reasons, at least for me personally, why we attend Etown College is because we feel that we have some higher calling in life. Etown offers students not only the ability to learn about a particular field of study, but also the chance to do something of substance, whether it be our various community outreach programs, having the chance to do life altering research with faculty mentors, or traveling abroad and experiencing something new and different from everyday life. While at Etown, not only are we schooled with a rigorous academic curriculum, but we also take an intrinsic journey that not only allows us to define our own personal values, but also redefine them to accept new and different perspectives.

While at Etown, I can say I truly was able to complete all the above. Not only did Etown give me the knowledge and passion that I have called upon numerous times throughout my professional career, but my time at Etown also embedded something on a much deeper level. I have developed an unyielding, flaming passion to want to do something that matters in the world. However, for some reason, I can not wrap my head around how to do this yet. I have all this energy that I want to spend on doing something of paramount importance to the world, but I have absolutely no comprehension of how to do it. 

I often spend hours thinking about what I have to offer the world. I am intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. I have many interests and hobbies. But I somehow cannot connect the dots in order to form some cohesive thought that might actually put me on the right path to doing something great. My current job is literally a flop. I feel that I have no upward movement capabilities, my opinion is not heard, and I am wasting valuable time doing something I do not care about. In reality, I have a decent job making an alright salary. I have good benefits, and the work atmosphere, for the most part, is good, but my problem is my lack of caring for the job. I thought that transition roles would help, but it did not. I am still unhappy with the job and my company. I do nothing that is important and have very little say in anything.

I think the problem is that I am tired of business. There are strict codes and rules that must be followed. You must conform to how the company and its "elites" say you must act. Most businesses are bureaucratic in nature, which means you are nothing but a small fish in a big sea. And herein is my problem with business: I feel as though I am being suffocated everyday at work. I have this passion that is pushing me somewhere else, but for some reason the fog over the path has not lifted. 

For now, I will spend the next year thinking about what I would like to do. I know that I would definitely like to live closer to my friends in PA. As I have state in earlier posts, most of my friends live in PA. I am currently driving on average 2-3 hours each way to visit with them. However, I also know that I want to do something for the greater good of the world. Etown College is also know for being extremely international. Every incoming student is placed into a "peer group" which has 2-3 peer mentors, who are upperclassmen. They are there to act as mentors for incoming students helping them orient to college and provide support. For most students, this is the first time being away from their parents, and it is a very large life step. By having someone there who has gone through the same ordeal, it makes the transition much easier. However, in the case of the international student body, we have different, more specialized mentors. These mentors are known as International Peer Ambassadors, or IPAs for short. 

IPAs are usually students who have traveled abroad, speak multiple languages, or have some sort of international experiences. Naturally, due to all the above, I was selected to become one of these mentors. Even before I was an IPA, I had always made quick friends with the international students, especially the Japanese students. In fact, one of my best friends from college is Vietnamese. Usually the Asian students were a lot easier for me to get along with, but I knew most of the international student body. I enjoyed working with international students. They often made me challenge my views on the world, and I can say that I would not be who I am today without the experience I gained from them. My professors had often complimented me on my international perspective. 

With that in mind, I know that whatever I do, I want to it to be related internationally. Although, for now, I am going to take the time to slowly work on my goal 3. As I said previously, I had foolishly rushed into my past few jobs, without taking the time to look into the future. In closing I will leave you with a video. My friend Fleming posted this, I feel that it is extremely inspirational in finding what your path in life may be. 

Ripping off the metaphorical band-aid

3/30/2013  

As I have stated in earlier posts, I have set 4 objectives for myself to achieve. It is in my opinion that by actually writing down your goals/objectives, you are able to more effectively accomplish them. That is another reason that I am doing this blog series. I have always had these goals, but I never really accomplished them, or even worked towards accomplishing them. By writing down my goals and posting daily updates, I am reminded that I have these goals and I need to work towards achieving them. Today, I took a huge leap of faith and told someone that I was gay. Although I had ripped off the metaphorical band-aid that I had been using to mask my inner self, I felt no pain at all. In fact, I felt amazing!

Most of my friends from college live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or some other northern state. Needless to say, I do a lot of driving to meet up with them. My friend Tom usually has a party every few months at his house. Most of my friends, who were listed in my goals post, were going to be there. I knew I was going to tell one of them about who I am.

I do not believe that I have explained fully why I decided it was time for me to come out, and be true to myself. It was a few weeks before, and Tom had hosted another party for St. Patrick's Day. Yes, we drink a lot. I really do not understand how we made it through college, but we survived. At this party, Tom had some of his friends over to celebrate with us. Before this point, I was always able to hide my feelings, and really never felt any attraction to a guy. This partly due to not knowing many gay men and partly due to being extremely focused on other goals, but that night I did a complete 180 degree turnaround. Tom had invited one of his friends over named K. I am not sure if he is gay or not, but for his own personal reasons I have given him a one letter name. It is not up to other people to place a label on you. If he is not comfortable with being open, then it is just not his time, yet.

On this night, I felt a change. I felt a feeling that I had never once experienced in my life. I was crushing real hard on a guy. His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. They were blue, and I could tell he had deep story that was buried for his own reasons. I could look into them for hours. The whole night, we would exchange glances. Those type of glances where you would feel someone looking at you, then you would look up and see them turn their head or gaze somewhere else, and you would proceed to reciprocate. Now Tom and his friends are not big club or pop music fans, but I, my friend Amy, who you will find out about later, and K are huge pop fans, and we love to dance. Of course, we proceed to dance, and he danced with me. At the time, I was not out and the conception of this blog was unknown, but if there had been less people around, I would have reciprocated. My heart races now as I right this post. As the party was dying down, we had some pretty deep conversations. He was more than just a pretty face who could dance, he had actual substance to his personality. And my attraction grew greater and greater. Had I have been out that day, I know that I would have definitely made some sort of move. But so are the woes of being in the closet.

This one event in my life told me that it was time. I had never really experienced these types of feelings before. It was extremely difficult to have to feel this attraction and not be able to act upon it. And why you may ask? I asked myself the same question. I had allowed my own personal fears to affect how I act, and tell me who to like. I was tired of being in the dark, and finally I have taken the steps to change! Be yourself and do not let others tell you who you are! After I broke free of all the chains that were holding me back, I finally resolved to come out to the world, but more importantly, I came into myself.

With my new outlook in life, I headed back to Tom's ready to make my first step into the light. I wanted to tell a few people who were on my list, one in particular, Amy. However, due to health complications she could not make it that night, so I knew that it was just not the time to tell her. My friend Beth showed up, and I was relieved. I knew that it was time to tell her, and she would be first. Beth and I had always been close friends. She is someone who had experienced similar events in her life, and I have always felt comfortable around her. I had told her earlier that I was writing a potential book/blog. I explained the concept of it and what I had hoped to accomplish with my writing. I had also explained that I had four goals set in writing that I was working towards achieving. There were other people who were listening to our conversation, and everyone asked if I would share those goals. I politely declined, saying that they were personal and that I would share them latter. I also said to Beth on the side that I wanted to talk to her before she left, because I had something I had to tell her.

A few hours later, people began to leave, including Beth. I offered to escort her out, and that is when I told her about my true self. I walked her out to her car, and right before she went to get in, I said "I need to tell you something that I think you already know." With my heart racing, my palms sweating, and in a nervous voice, I came out and said "I am gay." The look on her face was a relief. At that instance I knew that it was going to be okay. Before she could say anything, I said "you already knew, didn't you?" It turns out that I was not good at hiding who I was. I had formed such great relationships with my friends that we just knew things about on another. She informed me that, yes, she did have her suspicions and that the others in our group of friends also had known. My friends had all known, but they were just waiting for me to tell them on my own terms. They did not want to out me or force me out. They knew that this was clearly something that I was struggling with internally, and when I was ready, I would let them know, too. If you think someone may be gay, please do not force it out of them. This is a extremely difficult reality that they must come to terms with before they allow you the privilege of knowing.

In this one instance, I discovered just how blessed I am to had made such great friends. I knew that just like I had told Beth, I would be able to tell the rest. And when I told them, I would be looked at as an unchanged person. I would be accepted for who I am, have always been, and will continue to be. I was truly humbled to have been in the presence of an amazing person, such as Beth. I have hidden who I was for 23 years. I would not choose to be to be gay, to be discriminated, to be labeled, to be bullied. I am gay and that is who I am. The fact that Beth accepted me for who I am, gave the strength and courage to continue in my journey of catharsis and metamorphosis.  Beth gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with her, and trusting her with something that was extremely personal to me. It is my opinion that your relationships with people are able to become true bonds when you are 100% honest with someone.

I was so relieved to have finally taken a step into the light. I had hidden who I was for so long. It was as if I had become numb to my true self. I have often wanted to tell people who I truly am in the past, but something would always hold me back. I was in a constant battle to deny these feelings. I always worried that if I drank too much that night, I might let something loose that I can not take back. However, these feelings are changing now. Thanks to Beth, I know that I am able to tell the world about who I am, and that I will be accepted by at least one person out there. As I have said before, I believe the biggest fear of coming out is rejection. I have now come to realize that even if I am rejected by the entire world for being me, I will at least be accepted by one.

I am lucky to have made such great friends who support me and offer me so much. I really have no way to repay them for their gratitude. It is my hope that I am able to live up to such greatness, and that we always continue to be friends. Coming out is an extremely difficult task. I know that there will be negativity in my experiences, but as long as long as I have my friends and family that support me, I know that I will accomplish much in life.

Love is Love

3/29/2013  

Today, while checking my daily YouTube subscriptions, I found a really inspiring video on Mallow610's channel. While this may seem cliche, before I came out, I had searched "how to come out" on YouTube. In my search, I was inspired by another one of Mallow's videos: his own coming out story.

 
What his mother said really reminded me of what I think my mother would say to me. When you are coming out for the first time to anyone, it can be extremely difficult, stressful, and sometimes painful. There are tons of variables to consider and factor in, and if you are like me, calculative and controlling, this only adds to the stress. These factors can be unpredictable and volatile in nature, and not knowing is a killer. This fear of the unknown can cause a great amount of disparity, and often is the reason people detour from letting it out. However, this video really sent a message to me, telling me that it was okay and that I am being who I am.

However the video the I was formerly referencing (in the title) is about love. The video is titled "Love is Love," and can be found here:

 
In this video, there are several couples, single people, and YouTubers, who have come together to offer their own interpretation of the word "love." While I by no means would even begin to call myself an expert of the subject of love, I would like to offer my own opinions and interpretations of this word. Love is a subjective word that manifests different values, rules and level of importance for each individual. Love is not easily definable due to its erratic nature and ever changing meaning. It has several different contexts and uses. 

One of the contributors pointed out that "love is learning to love yourself." The more I reflect on that statement, the more it harmonizes with me. Up until now, I was hardly able to admit to myself who I am as a person, much less the people around me, who I deem to be important in my life. I believe that in order to love, you must first love yourself. While at this point in my life I have only begun to do the former, I feel that I am discovering who I am as person, again. The point of this blog, and my new path that I am creating for myself in life, is to finally love myself for who I am, and not some irrational, colorless, dull being that the world says I should be. If I love another man, is that really wrong? Is that really going against the nature of being a human being? 

It is my belief that in order to experience love, you must first learn to love yourself. Not as who someone tells you to love yourself as, but as the person that you believe you should love yourself for. Only after this act, will you finally be able to open your heart to someone else, and reciprocate that same feelings to them. There is a journey that we must all experience in our lives. That journey is to find our hearts. Underneath all the emotional layers we build up to protect ourselves from the harshness of reality is buried something that we could have long forgotten about. The heart is capable of so much, and all you have to do is know where it is and how to access it. Our hearts allow us to feel the warmth that someone just might be able to give us. They allow us to truly live for ourselves. Yes, they are quite fragile, and can be broken in an instant. But, one thing about hearts I think we have forgotten is they are unbreakable. Even though we may experience a broken heart, that does not mean it will not mend itself again; but the only way that a heart can mend itself is through love. 

Although, I have just begun my journey, I am hopeful that over the next year, I may get the rare chance to share my heart with myself and friends, and on a much deeper level, someone significant to me. I have always told myself relationships are messy, complicated, and extremely difficult to navigate, but is this not essentially life itself? In denying my heart the chance to love, I have also deprived myself of living. One of the over-arching goals of my journey is to begin to actually live. We are all living, but how many of us are actually living? Over the past 23 years, I have worked extremely hard to make a living, but never have I once lived. All throughout high school, I was a hermit, to say the least. I was laser focused on one goal, and that was school. While this did pay off and I do not regret any my decisions, I do feel I could have accomplished more in these years had I taken the chance to live. 

Yet, I did make significant progress in my college years. When they say college is the best four years of your life, I can attest to their validity. I made some of the most important and cherished connections in my four years of tenure at Etown (Elizabethtown College), both professionally and personally. I finally found a support network, which I have called upon over the past few years, that really has helped me improve vastly as a person. My friends have been there for me through it all, good and bad. Without them, I do not think I would be here passing along my experiences to you. I am truly humbled to have been able to meet such amazing people. Yet, to these friends, who I coveted so dearly, I had been living a farce for more than four years. My heart was never truly open to accepting what I had seen countless others find so easily. I am now at the point in my life, where my friends are starting to settle down and create their own families. I have seen these people grow close to their significant others, forming a bond that will last an eternity. Yet, I am still alone, never having experience what I have seen so commonly.   

My point with all this is that love is to be shared. In all religions, beliefs, and customs,, there is some saying for love. Whether it be ying and yang or two peas in a pod, love is vital for everyone to live, so we do not simply exist in life. Love is love. Love happens regardless of orientation, gender, or societal beliefs. Love is not something that can be calculated or have an equation written to solve its many variables. Love is meant to be shared. Love is not simply a common feeling, but more an act or way of living. If you cut your heart off to accepting love, you are not only denying yourself the right to live, but the rights of others who are sending it to you. Love is not defined. Love is a subjective word that is retrospective to each individual. Therefore, I would perhaps amend my former statement to: "Love is you." Love is not something that can be defined for you. You must define it yourself. It does not start with someone else; rather, it starts with you. In order to open your heart to love, you must first meet your heart and love it for its true self. So I will end this post with a simple question: 

Love is....?

I have defined what love is to me, but love will not be the same for you. You must look inside your heart and learn what that definition is for yourself. Only then will you be able to truly love yourself and love others. 

To Dan (Mallow610): Thank you for inspiring me. I truly do not think I would have the courage to come to terms with myself, without a push from you. 

"If You Could See me Now"

3/28/2013  

The other day at work, I was listening to Pandora, and a song that struck all the right chords with me came on the radio. I have heard the song before and even own the album. It had always been a song that I really connected with, but for some reason, it really hit home for me this time. The song is "If You Could See me Now" by The Script. See below for the music video. The entire album is really inspiring and has gotten me through a lot. 

Before I continue any further, it would be beneficial for me to preface my latter comments with some information into my past. In my senior year, something that is extremely difficult for me to speak about occurred. In my junior year of college, I had decided to complete my second study abroad session in Japan. My first session was purely recreational, it was a summer program and that is the real reason that I feel in love with Japan, but my second time was for actual credit. Being a double major, I was only required to study abroad for a semester, which was both convenient and troublesome at the same time. On one hand, I was able to finish both majors in four years, on the other hand, I did not gain as much as I wanted to from my studies.

The first semester I was abroad in Japan from September to the end of December. However, when I returned to the U.S., I found out that my parents had hidden something from me. My mom had become ill; she had a large red rash on the one side of her face. My parents told me that they did not want to tell me about this so that I would not worry while I was abroad. It was pretty shocking to come home and hear this, considering that at this time my aunt had passed away and I had also contracted mono, all at the same time. In other words, I was an emotional wreck; however, lucky for me, it was winter break (I think I would have died if I had to go back to class at the same time, lol). The doctors had diagnosed the rash as ambrosia. However, over the next few weeks, she began feeling fatigued, her muscles were aching, and she began to lose mobility. Finally, it was time for me to go back to school. (FYI: I live in Maryland and went to school in Pennsylvania) Right before I left, I asked her "Mom, are you sure you are fine?" She assured me she was and put a smile on her face, and told me "I will be fine." These words still haunt me to this day...

I usually called my mom every few days, just to let her now I was fine and not dead. However, in March, I found out that she was not fine. In fact, when she was trying to go to the doctors for a checkup, she had fallen and went to the hospital. The doctors decided that she needed to stay due to the amount of swelling she had in arms and legs. She had been in there for a few months, before she decided to tell me. After telling me this, I was quite shocked that what she had assured me was "fine," was not fine. Then I was angry that, once again, I was the last to find out. I understand why she had hid it from me. Me graduating from college with a degree was the only thing that she had wanted from me. I have been told that she was extremely proud of me and always spoke great things about me. Yet, I still found myself somewhat angry at my family for keeping this from. 

My next year of college was the emotional roller coaster from the deepest parts of hell. There were days that I had to get up in class, grab some clothes, and go to the hospital. I was quite lucky, however, due to my professors being completely understanding of my situation. There would be days when she would ask for me because something was going wrong. I remember many drives home thinking that I was going to be too late or that I would never be able to tell her I loved her one last time. I shed many tears that year, which my friends and roommates can attest to. Life lesson: alcohol makes this worse, so do not drink when depressed, just don't do it...

In the end, there was not much medicine could do to help. On December 20, 2010, we lost her. My mother was 51 years old when she passed, and I still miss her dearly to this day. The next few days are kind of hazy in my memory. We had the funeral, and all the services that go along with it. I was in a really bad emotional state for the rest of that year. When I went back to college, I couldn't really focus too much. I had really great support there, though. My friends really helped my through a lot over the years. But it was still tough to resume everyday life as though nothing had happen. I also felt like somehow my graduation was not as special as I had wanted it to be. One of the few things I wanted was for my mom to see me walk across the stage, as the first college graduate in our family. 

I regret a great deal when it comes to my mom. There would be days when I would not call her because I was "grown up" and independent. And she would call me and I would yell at her, saying, "you're ruining my life." Life lesson time: you will never outgrow your mother. She will always love you and take care of you no matter what. My mother was literally the center support of my life, and without her, I feel lost and unstable. If I could have one wish, I would wish to take everything negative back that I had said about her, and to tell her who I truly am: gay and proud. Right before she passed away, the doctor asked us if we wanted to tell her any last words. My father gave me a few minutes alone in the room, and the only thing that was coming to mind was to tell her I am gay. But like a moron, I stood there in silence. I said nothing, not even I love you. What kind of son am I? I would give anything just to say those words again. 

But reality is cruel SOB. As I have stated before, I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming, but this is one my biggest regrets that will travel with me for the rest of my life. This situation is part of the reason I am writing this blog. If you are reading this, I hope that my mistakes might spark a flare somewhere deep inside of you. Don't ever let a chance pass you by, you never know where you will go. I have dedicated my life to making up for my mistake, and I hope that you will be somehow touched by my intentions.

With that said, lets return to my former thought. "If You Could See me Now" truly connected with my feelings. In the song, they start off with describing someone who has passed away. The singer wants to show the one who has passed away so much more than what he was able to. It turns out that the person that was lost was actually the singer's parents. The first lyric that really stood out to me was:

"I hope you're up there with God saying that's my kid."

I literally cry hearing this lyric. Although my mother could not be with me today, I know that she is somewhere watching over me. I live each day to make her proud of who I am becoming. Right before she passed, she gave me a look that said everything she wanted to say. They say that mother and child share a connection that can exceed the limits of normal communication. That one look told me everything that she wanted to communicate to me without speaking a single word. She told me she knew who I was, and that she would love me regardless. She said that she was proud and that I have made her life bright and fulfilling. She told me to always be true to who I am, and that I should not let anyone tell me how to live my life. She told me that she would always watch over me, and that I had no need to worry. At the time, I was a little oblivious to the look, but as I replay that moment in my mind, the message has become clear, as if it were burned into my memories for the entirety of time. 

The next lyric, which really stopped me dead in my tracks, was:

"I still look for your face in the crowd.

Oh if you could see me now,

would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?"

This truly sums up my feeling and sentiments about losing my mother. I always think "what would Mom say to me here?" She was like my guidance counselor of life. She always knew that right thing to say and how to brighten my day. People often say I am intelligent, but if you really want to know true intelligence, you should have met my mother. I always wish I could hear my mom say "good job" to me one last time, as if she was telling me that you are on a great and righteous path and you are doing what you think is right. She would always be the first one who I told about any achievement or success I made. I knew that I could tell her anything and it would just make me feel right and great!

I challenge you to find a song in your life that makes you feel the same. When they say "music heals the soul," they are right. Post your comments below!