Over the past few weeks, I have almost accomplished my goal of telling those who are really important to me. A few weeks ago, my friend Fleming moved from NJ to PA, and our group came together to help him out. I knew that this was going to be one of the few opportunities that most of the people who I had listed in my goals post were going to be together. Fleming had asked if I wanted to come help about a week before. I accepted and told him that I would see him that week. However, before I made the trip up, I had to decide on a few things.
Up to this point, I had only told two of my friends that I was gay. However, I knew that it was time to tell others. Once I knew I was going to be seeing the majority of my friends over the weekend, I texted one my closest and most dear friends in my life. Amy and I instantly knew that we were going to be best friends the day we meet. I really have to thank one my more crazier friends, Dave (a.k.a Bojangles), for introducing us. We met in our freshmen year of college, and some how I knew she was someone who I really liked. We agreed on so much, and to this day, we really understand what each other is thinking. We can just look at each other, and without a word, know exactly what the other one is going to say. When I sent her the text, I asked if we could speak on the side about "something." Well Amy is one of those people who if you leave anything open-ended, she is going to question it. I told her it was nothing big, but she would still have to talk to me about it. I explained to her that I was on personal journey through life to change some negative aspects of mine. I explained my journaling efforts, and that I am planning on possibly turning it into a blog or book. I also explained that I had set 4 goals, and one of them is to tell people in my life an aspect that I had hidden. I followed the explanation with "I am gay." My nerves were the same as usual, butterflies and shaking hands. And with no hesitation, she said back "I know and I love you. Thanks for being honest with me."
When I told her, I was sitting at my cubicle. After that message, I was literally in tears. That is all I have ever wanted to hear: for people just to accept me for being me. I know that this statement is getting a little repetitive now, but this really sums up how people who are viewed as "different" want to feel. I have been told I was different my entire life, but I really never understood what people meant or why they said such things. To me, I was me and they were who ever they wanted to be. So why was I different? Is that not what human existence is, to be viewed as a unique person from the other 6 billions humans that exist? I mean if your purpose in life is to be the same as every other person, then that is good for you. Take for example fashion. Everyone dresses completely differently. We use fashion as a means to express a multitude of things. Whether it be our mood, our profession, the group of fiends with associate with, or our interests, the act of dressing and wearing clothes is expressively unique in and of itself. So if I am different, then are you not different, too? Amy has always understood me to be me. Her message has humbled me infinitely.
It was a relief to finally tell her about who I was, although she had know for years. My friends had all had their own suspicions, but they were just waiting on me to be comfortable with them and myself. She had asked if I had told any of the guys of the group yet. I had told her I was thinking about doing so that weekend, but I wasn't sure. I was actually a little bit fearful of telling the guys. These were some of my best friends in the world, and I did not want to ruin that. Personally, I think it is harder to tell guys you are gay. They are harder to relate with about it. As men, we are not too great at sharing our feelings. I have always been in touch with my emotions, but most men are not. However, as my other good friend, Kristen, put it, as long as you don't come out and tell them you have a big man crush on them, you have nothing to worry about. After I came out to Amy, I also came out to Kristen on the same day. It was a big day for me.
Kristen, like Amy, was another person who shared the same views as me. In college, I was known as a compulsive cleaner. I lived with three other guys in one apartment, but you wouldn't be able to tell that. I had daily cleaning regimes, and Saturday was my biggest cleaning day. Whenever we had people over to our apartment, we always received top ratings. We also had two bathrooms. One I shared with my friend Tom, and the other was shared by my friend Dave and our international incognito roommate, Uri. The only way that you would be able to tell guys lived here was, one, you saw all four of us were male, and two, you went into the Uri and Dave's bathroom. I cleaned it twice the whole year, and I think those were the only times it was cleaned (Let's not go there...). So naturally everyone used my bathroom, which was cleaned and wiped down daily, and all the ladies loved it. Seriously men, if you want to find a girlfriend, learn how to clean stuff, you will be surprised how many women will appreciate you more.
Anyway the point of this was, Kristen always loved to come over because we were (well, me really) clean guys. I don't really remember meeting Kristen, but now I can't imagine my life with her. She is an extremely positive person, and knows how to make you feel better when you are down. I knew that it was time to tell her after I had told Amy. In the back of my mind, I knew that her reaction was going to be same as Amy's and knowing that gave me the confidence to tell her, too.
Like most of my friends, Kristen lives far away. I really prefer to tell people in person, since it is something that is extremely personal to me, but North Carolina is little bit far away. I saw that she was on Facebook. I sent her a message asking her if she had few minutes to talk. She did not respond, and I thought she was away and just left her Facebook. I had just gotten into bed, when I heard my iPad alert me to a new message on Facebook; it was Kristen. I immediately went over to my computer and responded. Just like with Amy I lead up to big statement by explaining my reasoning behind it and telling her that it will not be big news to her. And again, I said "I am gay." She said to me "I am not surprised and I am really glad that you told me." All of my girl friends knew me so well. I have never had anything to hide from them, so I am not sure why I was so nervous. They have all accepted me as me, nothing more or less than that. She told me that the next step is going to be loving me. For anyone who is thinking about coming out or has just started coming out, you will undergo a change. For me, I don't think I really loved myself, but I am slowly figuring out how to do this after 23 years of living. You think this would be easy, but it's not as easy as saying "Me, I love you." After you come out, you are not changed. However, you're thinking is changed. Instead of having to hid your thoughts, you are able to speak your mind. You are able to tell others how you feel, really. And you are able to finally love yourself. If you can't do this, you will never truly be happy.
Both Amy and Kristen have given me the strength to finally be able to love myself for who I am. They have both supported me, even when I was not truthful with them. They knew who I was and were accepting of me, regardless of how I opened I was with myself and others. They knew that I would be ready in the future, and at that time they would be there to support me and love me. This journey has been a truly humbling and eye-opening experience. I have realized that people are ready for change and that they are ready to accept people for being themselves. Despite all the terrible news we hear, I am able to see some glimmer of hope for the world. There are people, like Amy and Kristen, who are ready for change and greater acceptance of the people. They have gave me the strength to be me and I am not sure what I would do without their guidance in my life. Thank you, Amy and Kristen, for being an outstanding representation of what the world is truly capable of achieving. I was able to head into the weekend with confidence to tell my male friends the truth.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Lost in Processing
The more I begin to accept myself for who I am and not who the world labels me as, the more I find my perspective and outlook on life growing positive. Life has been pretty dark in the closet. I was fine with this while I had other goals to distract my attention. I can honestly say that I have accomplished a great deal with regards to school and my personal life. I have two college degrees, am bilingual, and have made some of the greatest friend anyone could have asked for, but after school ended and I moved back to MD, I had less to focus on. My job was not what I would call a "career," and I always had this looming thought that I would not be able unlock these chains that had bound my true self for so many years.
But now, this has all changed. I have finally been able to embrace someone who I had buried away so long ago. I have heard some pretty terrible coming out stories. Stories of people who came out to friends and family, and were rejected for being themselves. I have heard of whole towns banning people from having any form of contact with someone who is gay. Bullying has become much worse today. The internet is an extremely powerful tool and, when used by people who have no sense of morality, can be an extremely dangerous tool. Yet, I can honestly say that I have not encountered any negative reactions or criticism for being who I am. My friends have all supported me for being who I am, and often thanked me for being honest with them. The latter part of this always hits home. I think for the majority of the LGBT community, we just want to be accepted for being who we are. We do not want you look at us a being different, because the fact is that most of us have not changed, we are simply allowing you to see who we have been all of our lives.
In these past few weeks, I have felt a positive change in my presence, almost like a glow of change has enveloped me and begun radiating change to others. It is in my opinion that too often people become stuck in the monotony we mistakenly call "life." I see people everyday who have decide to give up and continue living the lives they hate. In doing so, they have not only denied themselves of living their lives to the fullest, but more importantly they have become complacent. You see, the problem with people who become complacent is they lose the passion for living. They see their lives as all that they are going to be, and forget that they once had some spark of passion to live. It's as if they have had life sucked out of them, and now exist as blank shells of a person who once had looked ahead to a bright future, but now only see fog and darkness. They have become submissive to life, and, instead of fighting against the current, they are on a direct path down monotony lane.
It has been two years since college. Those four years were some of the most memorable years of life. I discovered much about the world and who I was as a person. I was tested both scholastically and morally. My sense of being had changed and I was on a positive path, but after graduation, something changed. I lost my spark of life and was heading down the path I had described in my former thought. I was far away from my friends, and most of the friends I had back home had either moved or I just lost contact with them. My routine was simple: wake up early, get ready, sit in traffic, spend Monday-Friday doing useless, insignificant work, stay late to do said work, sit in more traffic, go to bed, rinse, and repeat. In these two years, I have lost my way in life. I always had planned my life to be perfect and easy: go to college, earn a degree, work at a large company, make a lot of money, live happily ever after, but somewhere, somehow, I lost the path and became disoriented in haze of thick fog.
Although, I am still unclear if my path is as clear cut as it once was, I do know that there is still a path somewhere out there. In my journey, thus far, I have discovered a great deal. I have found the true me that was once buried. I have embraced this being and begun a period of the metamorphosis and catharsis. This true being has lead me to find my resolve, again. Although I had always had goals and objectives and begun building a road that I thought would lead me to my success, I never really followed through with actually completing them. However, the new being that I am becoming is different. I have discovered that life does not always go the way that we had originally planned. Flexibility is the key to surviving. And in the discovery I have found sense of concrete being. Rather than mentally setting goals and objectives and hoping that would motivate me to achieve some greater calling in life, I have put these words down in stone. They are clear and concise with a strict timeline in which they must be completed.
I have learned that saying you are going to do something and actually doing that something is difficult, if not impossible to do. If you merely say you are going to complete something, there is nothing for you to benchmark your success against. However, by writing what I am going to do I am reminded everyday that I have goals and timelines, and that failure is not an option. They say that the average human only uses about 10% of their brain's capacity. In other words, we only tap into 10% of our true potential, while the other 90% is wasted on nothing. Humans can only remember as much as the mind allows them to. The average human is blasted with 20,000 different mental stimuli on a daily basis. If I were to ask you to name all the different brands, companies, people, smell, sounds, and acts you witnessed today, do you think you would be able to give me accurate account?
The answer is no. Our minds have mechanisms set in place to filter out all the useless junk that our minds are subjected to, and only allow the most important pieces of information through for memory processing. Our minds are constantly filtering, encoding, storing, retrieving, etc. large quantities of information everyday. Do you really think that your mind is going to allow something that you thought for an instant to enter your memory? For the majority of us, the answer will be no. Those thoughts that we think are important are actually lost in processing.
However, there are ways to overcome the mind's filters and bypass what the mind allows to enter into its memory. By writing down our goals and objectives, we are able to actually tell the mind that "hey this is important, and I want this saved." The process of forming a memory can be described in three stages: sensory, short-term, and long-term. Sensory memory is all the information the mind has received from all five senses. This part is like a giant fishbowl where all the information that is perceived is dumped and processed instantly. This memory has an extremely shot life span of about 3-7 seconds. If they memory is deemed passable through the filters, then it is sent to short-term memory. Short-term memory is extremely limited, only allowing 4-5 items into its holding tank at one time. These memories, too, have an limited life span of only a few minutes. Again if deemed passable, the memory is sent to long-term where it enters a state of encoding. Unlike short-term and sensory, these memories have an unlimited lifespan and the storage capacity is relatively unlimited. This explains why you should never cram for any sort of test. Short-term memory does not have the capacity or lifespan to allow you to successfully remember everything. The process of encoding is taxing and takes a long time, which is why only select memories are sent to the long-term. The memories held in long-term are much stronger and the access capabilities are much faster.
By journaling/blogging/writing down your goals and objectives, you are reminded on a daily basis what they are. By doing this you are able to successfully tell the mind that they are quite important and need to be coded to a longer term storage vessel. Thus, the memory stays with you as a guiding light. Although my path is still hazy, I do see that there is some sort of light showing me that a path does exist. It is for this reason that I am able push ahead and achieve my goals, little by little.
But now, this has all changed. I have finally been able to embrace someone who I had buried away so long ago. I have heard some pretty terrible coming out stories. Stories of people who came out to friends and family, and were rejected for being themselves. I have heard of whole towns banning people from having any form of contact with someone who is gay. Bullying has become much worse today. The internet is an extremely powerful tool and, when used by people who have no sense of morality, can be an extremely dangerous tool. Yet, I can honestly say that I have not encountered any negative reactions or criticism for being who I am. My friends have all supported me for being who I am, and often thanked me for being honest with them. The latter part of this always hits home. I think for the majority of the LGBT community, we just want to be accepted for being who we are. We do not want you look at us a being different, because the fact is that most of us have not changed, we are simply allowing you to see who we have been all of our lives.
In these past few weeks, I have felt a positive change in my presence, almost like a glow of change has enveloped me and begun radiating change to others. It is in my opinion that too often people become stuck in the monotony we mistakenly call "life." I see people everyday who have decide to give up and continue living the lives they hate. In doing so, they have not only denied themselves of living their lives to the fullest, but more importantly they have become complacent. You see, the problem with people who become complacent is they lose the passion for living. They see their lives as all that they are going to be, and forget that they once had some spark of passion to live. It's as if they have had life sucked out of them, and now exist as blank shells of a person who once had looked ahead to a bright future, but now only see fog and darkness. They have become submissive to life, and, instead of fighting against the current, they are on a direct path down monotony lane.
It has been two years since college. Those four years were some of the most memorable years of life. I discovered much about the world and who I was as a person. I was tested both scholastically and morally. My sense of being had changed and I was on a positive path, but after graduation, something changed. I lost my spark of life and was heading down the path I had described in my former thought. I was far away from my friends, and most of the friends I had back home had either moved or I just lost contact with them. My routine was simple: wake up early, get ready, sit in traffic, spend Monday-Friday doing useless, insignificant work, stay late to do said work, sit in more traffic, go to bed, rinse, and repeat. In these two years, I have lost my way in life. I always had planned my life to be perfect and easy: go to college, earn a degree, work at a large company, make a lot of money, live happily ever after, but somewhere, somehow, I lost the path and became disoriented in haze of thick fog.
Although, I am still unclear if my path is as clear cut as it once was, I do know that there is still a path somewhere out there. In my journey, thus far, I have discovered a great deal. I have found the true me that was once buried. I have embraced this being and begun a period of the metamorphosis and catharsis. This true being has lead me to find my resolve, again. Although I had always had goals and objectives and begun building a road that I thought would lead me to my success, I never really followed through with actually completing them. However, the new being that I am becoming is different. I have discovered that life does not always go the way that we had originally planned. Flexibility is the key to surviving. And in the discovery I have found sense of concrete being. Rather than mentally setting goals and objectives and hoping that would motivate me to achieve some greater calling in life, I have put these words down in stone. They are clear and concise with a strict timeline in which they must be completed.
I have learned that saying you are going to do something and actually doing that something is difficult, if not impossible to do. If you merely say you are going to complete something, there is nothing for you to benchmark your success against. However, by writing what I am going to do I am reminded everyday that I have goals and timelines, and that failure is not an option. They say that the average human only uses about 10% of their brain's capacity. In other words, we only tap into 10% of our true potential, while the other 90% is wasted on nothing. Humans can only remember as much as the mind allows them to. The average human is blasted with 20,000 different mental stimuli on a daily basis. If I were to ask you to name all the different brands, companies, people, smell, sounds, and acts you witnessed today, do you think you would be able to give me accurate account?
The answer is no. Our minds have mechanisms set in place to filter out all the useless junk that our minds are subjected to, and only allow the most important pieces of information through for memory processing. Our minds are constantly filtering, encoding, storing, retrieving, etc. large quantities of information everyday. Do you really think that your mind is going to allow something that you thought for an instant to enter your memory? For the majority of us, the answer will be no. Those thoughts that we think are important are actually lost in processing.
However, there are ways to overcome the mind's filters and bypass what the mind allows to enter into its memory. By writing down our goals and objectives, we are able to actually tell the mind that "hey this is important, and I want this saved." The process of forming a memory can be described in three stages: sensory, short-term, and long-term. Sensory memory is all the information the mind has received from all five senses. This part is like a giant fishbowl where all the information that is perceived is dumped and processed instantly. This memory has an extremely shot life span of about 3-7 seconds. If they memory is deemed passable through the filters, then it is sent to short-term memory. Short-term memory is extremely limited, only allowing 4-5 items into its holding tank at one time. These memories, too, have an limited life span of only a few minutes. Again if deemed passable, the memory is sent to long-term where it enters a state of encoding. Unlike short-term and sensory, these memories have an unlimited lifespan and the storage capacity is relatively unlimited. This explains why you should never cram for any sort of test. Short-term memory does not have the capacity or lifespan to allow you to successfully remember everything. The process of encoding is taxing and takes a long time, which is why only select memories are sent to the long-term. The memories held in long-term are much stronger and the access capabilities are much faster.
By journaling/blogging/writing down your goals and objectives, you are reminded on a daily basis what they are. By doing this you are able to successfully tell the mind that they are quite important and need to be coded to a longer term storage vessel. Thus, the memory stays with you as a guiding light. Although my path is still hazy, I do see that there is some sort of light showing me that a path does exist. It is for this reason that I am able push ahead and achieve my goals, little by little.
Monday, April 22, 2013
One's True Self
As most of my friends know by now, I am a huge fan of Glee. That's correct, I do consider myself a "gleek." Glee has defied genres, revolutionizing modern T.V. They have set trends, changed opinions, and inspired the world to be themselves. Glee is more than music and dance. The underlying theme, throughout the entirety of the show, has always been acceptance. Glee has conveyed the importance of being who you are, and accepting yourself for that. They have shown that you are you, and that there is no one who can tell you otherwise. Eleanor Roosevelt once stated "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." In other words, society will always have something to say about everything. People will shout bigotry shamelessly at other people. However, you have a choice. The choice is whether you listen and allow it to affect you. They will try to make you feel inferior, if, and only, you allow them to.
Above is posted one Glee's original songs. I believe this sums up my experience, thus far, on coming out. What I have gained in my experience has been nothing but positive. My friends and family have accepted me for who I am. I have found out a lot about myself as a person, but more importantly, I have found out a great deal more about my friends as people. My friends have without a doubt accepted me for being me. This song really sums up my experience, and if you have not, I implore you to listen to it. I hope that it will not only inspire you to be true to yourself, but help you realize that we are on a constant journey of exploration of our lives and defining our existence in our own unique way. Life is not about the destination, but rather who you meet, how you get there, and what you learn along the way.
I came to this realization after I came out to a very close friend. I have known Maggie since freshmen year. Together, we studied Japanese and instantly clicked. I think she knew that I was gay pretty much since the start, but that is beside the point. Over the next couple of years, we bonded, like brother and sister. Her Japanese became worse, and mine forged ahead, but again, beside the point. She has always been someone who I could go to and talk with about anything. I knew telling her was going to be easy, but I still had butterflies and jitters the entire time leading up to me telling her. One thing that I have found out is that this feeling of nervousness never goes away. No matter how close or how well you know someone, you will always have some form of nerves.
Unfortunately, Maggie lives about 4.5 hours away. I usually like to tell people in person, but I was not about to drive that far. Luckily, with the help of "modern marvels," as some people still refer to them, I was able to accomplish this relatively hassle free (A.K.A. Facebook). I had told Maggie previously about my journaling efforts and the goals I had set for myself. I told her that one goal in particular involved telling people in my life a certain part of my life that I had hidden from them. This was the moment. With my fingers shaking, my stomach filled with fluttering butterflies, I typed "I am gay." Now take note that the time of me telling her was a few days after April 1st. Her response was "Is this a belated April fools joke or are you being serious?" Not exactly the reaction one expects to hear, but again the timing of it was all too perfect.
I followed along and explained I was being serious. She responded with "Good on you for coming out, why the fuck would you think I would not love you and accept you the way you are, and kind of already knew. Love you!" Maggie had accepted me for who I am. She told me that she would love me for who I am and that I was no different. The song above, "You have more friends than you know," is referring to the fact that the friends you have now are extremely important. You may not realize it, but who you consider friends could be more than that. These friends will support you, be by your side all the way, and accept you for who you are, no labels attached. If they do not accept at first, they will. True friends may not realize what just happened and may need additional time to grow and comprehend what just happened. Remember, it took me years to finally resolve and let my true self free. They might need additional time, so let them have it; they will come to you when they are ready. If you lose some on your way, there are other friends you are destined to meet. So always push ahead, but never forget the past. When I told Maggie who I was, I not only gained a renewed definition of a friend, but I redefined what my journey was in life.
I've always had a fear of being flat out rejected by the one's who I deemed important to me. However, I feel this fear is changing. Instead of fearing, I have gained perspective. Perspective that I no longer need to fear rejection. I am who I am and you are who you are. With this perspective I have gained additional resolve to be more open about who I am. I am gay, but that does not define me. Rather, it is a mere part of my existence that make me unique from others. Being gay is part of my true self. I define gay by being true to myself, and not the other way around. Our true selves are realized when we are able to internalize what our existence consist of. This may be several unique pieces of one's being that, when melded all together from within, form a new being. This new being is your true self. It not only encompasses your new journey that you will soon embark upon, but all the pieces from your past. History is the building blocks of the future. Without studying and understanding our pasts, we are not a fully realized true being. Your past allows you to learn from your mistakes and use them to forge you path ahead in your life journey. And throughout this journey, this process of the redefining and metamorphosing into one's true being occurs a multitude of times. We spin multiple cocoons that allow us to internalize these new parts of our true being, thus strengthening our true self's vessel of existence. And with this, our journey through out life is not just one single metamorphosis, but rather a culmination of multiple changes that create a single entity who has the ability to be true to themselves.
I think that I am finally on the path to figuring out who I truly am. I know that my friends and family will always support me. And with that support, I know that I will do great in life. I have never once forgotten my past, but rather I have built upon it in order to become a stronger person in life. I am who I am, have been, and will continue to be.
Educate for Service
If you ask any Etown College student, alumni, or professor what is Etown's motto, everyone would say to you: Educate for Service. One of the main reasons, at least for me personally, why we attend Etown College is because we feel that we have some higher calling in life. Etown offers students not only the ability to learn about a particular field of study, but also the chance to do something of substance, whether it be our various community outreach programs, having the chance to do life altering research with faculty mentors, or traveling abroad and experiencing something new and different from everyday life. While at Etown, not only are we schooled with a rigorous academic curriculum, but we also take an intrinsic journey that not only allows us to define our own personal values, but also redefine them to accept new and different perspectives.
While at Etown, I can say I truly was able to complete all the above. Not only did Etown give me the knowledge and passion that I have called upon numerous times throughout my professional career, but my time at Etown also embedded something on a much deeper level. I have developed an unyielding, flaming passion to want to do something that matters in the world. However, for some reason, I can not wrap my head around how to do this yet. I have all this energy that I want to spend on doing something of paramount importance to the world, but I have absolutely no comprehension of how to do it.
I often spend hours thinking about what I have to offer the world. I am intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. I have many interests and hobbies. But I somehow cannot connect the dots in order to form some cohesive thought that might actually put me on the right path to doing something great. My current job is literally a flop. I feel that I have no upward movement capabilities, my opinion is not heard, and I am wasting valuable time doing something I do not care about. In reality, I have a decent job making an alright salary. I have good benefits, and the work atmosphere, for the most part, is good, but my problem is my lack of caring for the job. I thought that transition roles would help, but it did not. I am still unhappy with the job and my company. I do nothing that is important and have very little say in anything.
I think the problem is that I am tired of business. There are strict codes and rules that must be followed. You must conform to how the company and its "elites" say you must act. Most businesses are bureaucratic in nature, which means you are nothing but a small fish in a big sea. And herein is my problem with business: I feel as though I am being suffocated everyday at work. I have this passion that is pushing me somewhere else, but for some reason the fog over the path has not lifted.
For now, I will spend the next year thinking about what I would like to do. I know that I would definitely like to live closer to my friends in PA. As I have state in earlier posts, most of my friends live in PA. I am currently driving on average 2-3 hours each way to visit with them. However, I also know that I want to do something for the greater good of the world. Etown College is also know for being extremely international. Every incoming student is placed into a "peer group" which has 2-3 peer mentors, who are upperclassmen. They are there to act as mentors for incoming students helping them orient to college and provide support. For most students, this is the first time being away from their parents, and it is a very large life step. By having someone there who has gone through the same ordeal, it makes the transition much easier. However, in the case of the international student body, we have different, more specialized mentors. These mentors are known as International Peer Ambassadors, or IPAs for short.
IPAs are usually students who have traveled abroad, speak multiple languages, or have some sort of international experiences. Naturally, due to all the above, I was selected to become one of these mentors. Even before I was an IPA, I had always made quick friends with the international students, especially the Japanese students. In fact, one of my best friends from college is Vietnamese. Usually the Asian students were a lot easier for me to get along with, but I knew most of the international student body. I enjoyed working with international students. They often made me challenge my views on the world, and I can say that I would not be who I am today without the experience I gained from them. My professors had often complimented me on my international perspective.
With that in mind, I know that whatever I do, I want to it to be related internationally. Although, for now, I am going to take the time to slowly work on my goal 3. As I said previously, I had foolishly rushed into my past few jobs, without taking the time to look into the future. In closing I will leave you with a video. My friend Fleming posted this, I feel that it is extremely inspirational in finding what your path in life may be.
While at Etown, I can say I truly was able to complete all the above. Not only did Etown give me the knowledge and passion that I have called upon numerous times throughout my professional career, but my time at Etown also embedded something on a much deeper level. I have developed an unyielding, flaming passion to want to do something that matters in the world. However, for some reason, I can not wrap my head around how to do this yet. I have all this energy that I want to spend on doing something of paramount importance to the world, but I have absolutely no comprehension of how to do it.
I often spend hours thinking about what I have to offer the world. I am intelligent, caring, and thoughtful. I have many interests and hobbies. But I somehow cannot connect the dots in order to form some cohesive thought that might actually put me on the right path to doing something great. My current job is literally a flop. I feel that I have no upward movement capabilities, my opinion is not heard, and I am wasting valuable time doing something I do not care about. In reality, I have a decent job making an alright salary. I have good benefits, and the work atmosphere, for the most part, is good, but my problem is my lack of caring for the job. I thought that transition roles would help, but it did not. I am still unhappy with the job and my company. I do nothing that is important and have very little say in anything.
I think the problem is that I am tired of business. There are strict codes and rules that must be followed. You must conform to how the company and its "elites" say you must act. Most businesses are bureaucratic in nature, which means you are nothing but a small fish in a big sea. And herein is my problem with business: I feel as though I am being suffocated everyday at work. I have this passion that is pushing me somewhere else, but for some reason the fog over the path has not lifted.
For now, I will spend the next year thinking about what I would like to do. I know that I would definitely like to live closer to my friends in PA. As I have state in earlier posts, most of my friends live in PA. I am currently driving on average 2-3 hours each way to visit with them. However, I also know that I want to do something for the greater good of the world. Etown College is also know for being extremely international. Every incoming student is placed into a "peer group" which has 2-3 peer mentors, who are upperclassmen. They are there to act as mentors for incoming students helping them orient to college and provide support. For most students, this is the first time being away from their parents, and it is a very large life step. By having someone there who has gone through the same ordeal, it makes the transition much easier. However, in the case of the international student body, we have different, more specialized mentors. These mentors are known as International Peer Ambassadors, or IPAs for short.
IPAs are usually students who have traveled abroad, speak multiple languages, or have some sort of international experiences. Naturally, due to all the above, I was selected to become one of these mentors. Even before I was an IPA, I had always made quick friends with the international students, especially the Japanese students. In fact, one of my best friends from college is Vietnamese. Usually the Asian students were a lot easier for me to get along with, but I knew most of the international student body. I enjoyed working with international students. They often made me challenge my views on the world, and I can say that I would not be who I am today without the experience I gained from them. My professors had often complimented me on my international perspective.
With that in mind, I know that whatever I do, I want to it to be related internationally. Although, for now, I am going to take the time to slowly work on my goal 3. As I said previously, I had foolishly rushed into my past few jobs, without taking the time to look into the future. In closing I will leave you with a video. My friend Fleming posted this, I feel that it is extremely inspirational in finding what your path in life may be.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Ripping off the metaphorical band-aid
3/30/2013
As I have stated in earlier posts, I have set 4 objectives for myself to achieve. It is in my opinion that by actually writing down your goals/objectives, you are able to more effectively accomplish them. That is another reason that I am doing this blog series. I have always had these goals, but I never really accomplished them, or even worked towards accomplishing them. By writing down my goals and posting daily updates, I am reminded that I have these goals and I need to work towards achieving them. Today, I took a huge leap of faith and told someone that I was gay. Although I had ripped off the metaphorical band-aid that I had been using to mask my inner self, I felt no pain at all. In fact, I felt amazing!
Most of my friends from college live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or some other northern state. Needless to say, I do a lot of driving to meet up with them. My friend Tom usually has a party every few months at his house. Most of my friends, who were listed in my goals post, were going to be there. I knew I was going to tell one of them about who I am.
I do not believe that I have explained fully why I decided it was time for me to come out, and be true to myself. It was a few weeks before, and Tom had hosted another party for St. Patrick's Day. Yes, we drink a lot. I really do not understand how we made it through college, but we survived. At this party, Tom had some of his friends over to celebrate with us. Before this point, I was always able to hide my feelings, and really never felt any attraction to a guy. This partly due to not knowing many gay men and partly due to being extremely focused on other goals, but that night I did a complete 180 degree turnaround. Tom had invited one of his friends over named K. I am not sure if he is gay or not, but for his own personal reasons I have given him a one letter name. It is not up to other people to place a label on you. If he is not comfortable with being open, then it is just not his time, yet.
On this night, I felt a change. I felt a feeling that I had never once experienced in my life. I was crushing real hard on a guy. His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. They were blue, and I could tell he had deep story that was buried for his own reasons. I could look into them for hours. The whole night, we would exchange glances. Those type of glances where you would feel someone looking at you, then you would look up and see them turn their head or gaze somewhere else, and you would proceed to reciprocate. Now Tom and his friends are not big club or pop music fans, but I, my friend Amy, who you will find out about later, and K are huge pop fans, and we love to dance. Of course, we proceed to dance, and he danced with me. At the time, I was not out and the conception of this blog was unknown, but if there had been less people around, I would have reciprocated. My heart races now as I right this post. As the party was dying down, we had some pretty deep conversations. He was more than just a pretty face who could dance, he had actual substance to his personality. And my attraction grew greater and greater. Had I have been out that day, I know that I would have definitely made some sort of move. But so are the woes of being in the closet.
This one event in my life told me that it was time. I had never really experienced these types of feelings before. It was extremely difficult to have to feel this attraction and not be able to act upon it. And why you may ask? I asked myself the same question. I had allowed my own personal fears to affect how I act, and tell me who to like. I was tired of being in the dark, and finally I have taken the steps to change! Be yourself and do not let others tell you who you are! After I broke free of all the chains that were holding me back, I finally resolved to come out to the world, but more importantly, I came into myself.
With my new outlook in life, I headed back to Tom's ready to make my first step into the light. I wanted to tell a few people who were on my list, one in particular, Amy. However, due to health complications she could not make it that night, so I knew that it was just not the time to tell her. My friend Beth showed up, and I was relieved. I knew that it was time to tell her, and she would be first. Beth and I had always been close friends. She is someone who had experienced similar events in her life, and I have always felt comfortable around her. I had told her earlier that I was writing a potential book/blog. I explained the concept of it and what I had hoped to accomplish with my writing. I had also explained that I had four goals set in writing that I was working towards achieving. There were other people who were listening to our conversation, and everyone asked if I would share those goals. I politely declined, saying that they were personal and that I would share them latter. I also said to Beth on the side that I wanted to talk to her before she left, because I had something I had to tell her.
A few hours later, people began to leave, including Beth. I offered to escort her out, and that is when I told her about my true self. I walked her out to her car, and right before she went to get in, I said "I need to tell you something that I think you already know." With my heart racing, my palms sweating, and in a nervous voice, I came out and said "I am gay." The look on her face was a relief. At that instance I knew that it was going to be okay. Before she could say anything, I said "you already knew, didn't you?" It turns out that I was not good at hiding who I was. I had formed such great relationships with my friends that we just knew things about on another. She informed me that, yes, she did have her suspicions and that the others in our group of friends also had known. My friends had all known, but they were just waiting for me to tell them on my own terms. They did not want to out me or force me out. They knew that this was clearly something that I was struggling with internally, and when I was ready, I would let them know, too. If you think someone may be gay, please do not force it out of them. This is a extremely difficult reality that they must come to terms with before they allow you the privilege of knowing.
In this one instance, I discovered just how blessed I am to had made such great friends. I knew that just like I had told Beth, I would be able to tell the rest. And when I told them, I would be looked at as an unchanged person. I would be accepted for who I am, have always been, and will continue to be. I was truly humbled to have been in the presence of an amazing person, such as Beth. I have hidden who I was for 23 years. I would not choose to be to be gay, to be discriminated, to be labeled, to be bullied. I am gay and that is who I am. The fact that Beth accepted me for who I am, gave the strength and courage to continue in my journey of catharsis and metamorphosis. Beth gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with her, and trusting her with something that was extremely personal to me. It is my opinion that your relationships with people are able to become true bonds when you are 100% honest with someone.
I was so relieved to have finally taken a step into the light. I had hidden who I was for so long. It was as if I had become numb to my true self. I have often wanted to tell people who I truly am in the past, but something would always hold me back. I was in a constant battle to deny these feelings. I always worried that if I drank too much that night, I might let something loose that I can not take back. However, these feelings are changing now. Thanks to Beth, I know that I am able to tell the world about who I am, and that I will be accepted by at least one person out there. As I have said before, I believe the biggest fear of coming out is rejection. I have now come to realize that even if I am rejected by the entire world for being me, I will at least be accepted by one.
I am lucky to have made such great friends who support me and offer me so much. I really have no way to repay them for their gratitude. It is my hope that I am able to live up to such greatness, and that we always continue to be friends. Coming out is an extremely difficult task. I know that there will be negativity in my experiences, but as long as long as I have my friends and family that support me, I know that I will accomplish much in life.
As I have stated in earlier posts, I have set 4 objectives for myself to achieve. It is in my opinion that by actually writing down your goals/objectives, you are able to more effectively accomplish them. That is another reason that I am doing this blog series. I have always had these goals, but I never really accomplished them, or even worked towards accomplishing them. By writing down my goals and posting daily updates, I am reminded that I have these goals and I need to work towards achieving them. Today, I took a huge leap of faith and told someone that I was gay. Although I had ripped off the metaphorical band-aid that I had been using to mask my inner self, I felt no pain at all. In fact, I felt amazing!
Most of my friends from college live in Pennsylvania, New Jersey, or some other northern state. Needless to say, I do a lot of driving to meet up with them. My friend Tom usually has a party every few months at his house. Most of my friends, who were listed in my goals post, were going to be there. I knew I was going to tell one of them about who I am.
I do not believe that I have explained fully why I decided it was time for me to come out, and be true to myself. It was a few weeks before, and Tom had hosted another party for St. Patrick's Day. Yes, we drink a lot. I really do not understand how we made it through college, but we survived. At this party, Tom had some of his friends over to celebrate with us. Before this point, I was always able to hide my feelings, and really never felt any attraction to a guy. This partly due to not knowing many gay men and partly due to being extremely focused on other goals, but that night I did a complete 180 degree turnaround. Tom had invited one of his friends over named K. I am not sure if he is gay or not, but for his own personal reasons I have given him a one letter name. It is not up to other people to place a label on you. If he is not comfortable with being open, then it is just not his time, yet.
On this night, I felt a change. I felt a feeling that I had never once experienced in my life. I was crushing real hard on a guy. His eyes were the first thing I noticed about him. They were blue, and I could tell he had deep story that was buried for his own reasons. I could look into them for hours. The whole night, we would exchange glances. Those type of glances where you would feel someone looking at you, then you would look up and see them turn their head or gaze somewhere else, and you would proceed to reciprocate. Now Tom and his friends are not big club or pop music fans, but I, my friend Amy, who you will find out about later, and K are huge pop fans, and we love to dance. Of course, we proceed to dance, and he danced with me. At the time, I was not out and the conception of this blog was unknown, but if there had been less people around, I would have reciprocated. My heart races now as I right this post. As the party was dying down, we had some pretty deep conversations. He was more than just a pretty face who could dance, he had actual substance to his personality. And my attraction grew greater and greater. Had I have been out that day, I know that I would have definitely made some sort of move. But so are the woes of being in the closet.
This one event in my life told me that it was time. I had never really experienced these types of feelings before. It was extremely difficult to have to feel this attraction and not be able to act upon it. And why you may ask? I asked myself the same question. I had allowed my own personal fears to affect how I act, and tell me who to like. I was tired of being in the dark, and finally I have taken the steps to change! Be yourself and do not let others tell you who you are! After I broke free of all the chains that were holding me back, I finally resolved to come out to the world, but more importantly, I came into myself.
With my new outlook in life, I headed back to Tom's ready to make my first step into the light. I wanted to tell a few people who were on my list, one in particular, Amy. However, due to health complications she could not make it that night, so I knew that it was just not the time to tell her. My friend Beth showed up, and I was relieved. I knew that it was time to tell her, and she would be first. Beth and I had always been close friends. She is someone who had experienced similar events in her life, and I have always felt comfortable around her. I had told her earlier that I was writing a potential book/blog. I explained the concept of it and what I had hoped to accomplish with my writing. I had also explained that I had four goals set in writing that I was working towards achieving. There were other people who were listening to our conversation, and everyone asked if I would share those goals. I politely declined, saying that they were personal and that I would share them latter. I also said to Beth on the side that I wanted to talk to her before she left, because I had something I had to tell her.
A few hours later, people began to leave, including Beth. I offered to escort her out, and that is when I told her about my true self. I walked her out to her car, and right before she went to get in, I said "I need to tell you something that I think you already know." With my heart racing, my palms sweating, and in a nervous voice, I came out and said "I am gay." The look on her face was a relief. At that instance I knew that it was going to be okay. Before she could say anything, I said "you already knew, didn't you?" It turns out that I was not good at hiding who I was. I had formed such great relationships with my friends that we just knew things about on another. She informed me that, yes, she did have her suspicions and that the others in our group of friends also had known. My friends had all known, but they were just waiting for me to tell them on my own terms. They did not want to out me or force me out. They knew that this was clearly something that I was struggling with internally, and when I was ready, I would let them know, too. If you think someone may be gay, please do not force it out of them. This is a extremely difficult reality that they must come to terms with before they allow you the privilege of knowing.
In this one instance, I discovered just how blessed I am to had made such great friends. I knew that just like I had told Beth, I would be able to tell the rest. And when I told them, I would be looked at as an unchanged person. I would be accepted for who I am, have always been, and will continue to be. I was truly humbled to have been in the presence of an amazing person, such as Beth. I have hidden who I was for 23 years. I would not choose to be to be gay, to be discriminated, to be labeled, to be bullied. I am gay and that is who I am. The fact that Beth accepted me for who I am, gave the strength and courage to continue in my journey of catharsis and metamorphosis. Beth gave me a hug and thanked me for being honest with her, and trusting her with something that was extremely personal to me. It is my opinion that your relationships with people are able to become true bonds when you are 100% honest with someone.
I was so relieved to have finally taken a step into the light. I had hidden who I was for so long. It was as if I had become numb to my true self. I have often wanted to tell people who I truly am in the past, but something would always hold me back. I was in a constant battle to deny these feelings. I always worried that if I drank too much that night, I might let something loose that I can not take back. However, these feelings are changing now. Thanks to Beth, I know that I am able to tell the world about who I am, and that I will be accepted by at least one person out there. As I have said before, I believe the biggest fear of coming out is rejection. I have now come to realize that even if I am rejected by the entire world for being me, I will at least be accepted by one.
I am lucky to have made such great friends who support me and offer me so much. I really have no way to repay them for their gratitude. It is my hope that I am able to live up to such greatness, and that we always continue to be friends. Coming out is an extremely difficult task. I know that there will be negativity in my experiences, but as long as long as I have my friends and family that support me, I know that I will accomplish much in life.
Love is Love
3/29/2013
Today, while checking my daily YouTube subscriptions, I found a really inspiring video on Mallow610's channel. While this may seem cliche, before I came out, I had searched "how to come out" on YouTube. In my search, I was inspired by another one of Mallow's videos: his own coming out story.
What his mother said really reminded me of what I think my mother would say to me. When you are coming out for the first time to anyone, it can be extremely difficult, stressful, and sometimes painful. There are tons of variables to consider and factor in, and if you are like me, calculative and controlling, this only adds to the stress. These factors can be unpredictable and volatile in nature, and not knowing is a killer. This fear of the unknown can cause a great amount of disparity, and often is the reason people detour from letting it out. However, this video really sent a message to me, telling me that it was okay and that I am being who I am.
However the video the I was formerly referencing (in the title) is about love. The video is titled "Love is Love," and can be found here:
In this video, there are several couples, single people, and YouTubers, who have come together to offer their own interpretation of the word "love." While I by no means would even begin to call myself an expert of the subject of love, I would like to offer my own opinions and interpretations of this word. Love is a subjective word that manifests different values, rules and level of importance for each individual. Love is not easily definable due to its erratic nature and ever changing meaning. It has several different contexts and uses.
One of the contributors pointed out that "love is learning to love yourself." The more I reflect on that statement, the more it harmonizes with me. Up until now, I was hardly able to admit to myself who I am as a person, much less the people around me, who I deem to be important in my life. I believe that in order to love, you must first love yourself. While at this point in my life I have only begun to do the former, I feel that I am discovering who I am as person, again. The point of this blog, and my new path that I am creating for myself in life, is to finally love myself for who I am, and not some irrational, colorless, dull being that the world says I should be. If I love another man, is that really wrong? Is that really going against the nature of being a human being?
It is my belief that in order to experience love, you must first learn to love yourself. Not as who someone tells you to love yourself as, but as the person that you believe you should love yourself for. Only after this act, will you finally be able to open your heart to someone else, and reciprocate that same feelings to them. There is a journey that we must all experience in our lives. That journey is to find our hearts. Underneath all the emotional layers we build up to protect ourselves from the harshness of reality is buried something that we could have long forgotten about. The heart is capable of so much, and all you have to do is know where it is and how to access it. Our hearts allow us to feel the warmth that someone just might be able to give us. They allow us to truly live for ourselves. Yes, they are quite fragile, and can be broken in an instant. But, one thing about hearts I think we have forgotten is they are unbreakable. Even though we may experience a broken heart, that does not mean it will not mend itself again; but the only way that a heart can mend itself is through love.
Although, I have just begun my journey, I am hopeful that over the next year, I may get the rare chance to share my heart with myself and friends, and on a much deeper level, someone significant to me. I have always told myself relationships are messy, complicated, and extremely difficult to navigate, but is this not essentially life itself? In denying my heart the chance to love, I have also deprived myself of living. One of the over-arching goals of my journey is to begin to actually live. We are all living, but how many of us are actually living? Over the past 23 years, I have worked extremely hard to make a living, but never have I once lived. All throughout high school, I was a hermit, to say the least. I was laser focused on one goal, and that was school. While this did pay off and I do not regret any my decisions, I do feel I could have accomplished more in these years had I taken the chance to live.
Yet, I did make significant progress in my college years. When they say college is the best four years of your life, I can attest to their validity. I made some of the most important and cherished connections in my four years of tenure at Etown (Elizabethtown College), both professionally and personally. I finally found a support network, which I have called upon over the past few years, that really has helped me improve vastly as a person. My friends have been there for me through it all, good and bad. Without them, I do not think I would be here passing along my experiences to you. I am truly humbled to have been able to meet such amazing people. Yet, to these friends, who I coveted so dearly, I had been living a farce for more than four years. My heart was never truly open to accepting what I had seen countless others find so easily. I am now at the point in my life, where my friends are starting to settle down and create their own families. I have seen these people grow close to their significant others, forming a bond that will last an eternity. Yet, I am still alone, never having experience what I have seen so commonly.
My point with all this is that love is to be shared. In all religions, beliefs, and customs,, there is some saying for love. Whether it be ying and yang or two peas in a pod, love is vital for everyone to live, so we do not simply exist in life. Love is love. Love happens regardless of orientation, gender, or societal beliefs. Love is not something that can be calculated or have an equation written to solve its many variables. Love is meant to be shared. Love is not simply a common feeling, but more an act or way of living. If you cut your heart off to accepting love, you are not only denying yourself the right to live, but the rights of others who are sending it to you. Love is not defined. Love is a subjective word that is retrospective to each individual. Therefore, I would perhaps amend my former statement to: "Love is you." Love is not something that can be defined for you. You must define it yourself. It does not start with someone else; rather, it starts with you. In order to open your heart to love, you must first meet your heart and love it for its true self. So I will end this post with a simple question:
To Dan (Mallow610): Thank you for inspiring me. I truly do not think I would have the courage to come to terms with myself, without a push from you.
Today, while checking my daily YouTube subscriptions, I found a really inspiring video on Mallow610's channel. While this may seem cliche, before I came out, I had searched "how to come out" on YouTube. In my search, I was inspired by another one of Mallow's videos: his own coming out story.
What his mother said really reminded me of what I think my mother would say to me. When you are coming out for the first time to anyone, it can be extremely difficult, stressful, and sometimes painful. There are tons of variables to consider and factor in, and if you are like me, calculative and controlling, this only adds to the stress. These factors can be unpredictable and volatile in nature, and not knowing is a killer. This fear of the unknown can cause a great amount of disparity, and often is the reason people detour from letting it out. However, this video really sent a message to me, telling me that it was okay and that I am being who I am.
However the video the I was formerly referencing (in the title) is about love. The video is titled "Love is Love," and can be found here:
In this video, there are several couples, single people, and YouTubers, who have come together to offer their own interpretation of the word "love." While I by no means would even begin to call myself an expert of the subject of love, I would like to offer my own opinions and interpretations of this word. Love is a subjective word that manifests different values, rules and level of importance for each individual. Love is not easily definable due to its erratic nature and ever changing meaning. It has several different contexts and uses.
One of the contributors pointed out that "love is learning to love yourself." The more I reflect on that statement, the more it harmonizes with me. Up until now, I was hardly able to admit to myself who I am as a person, much less the people around me, who I deem to be important in my life. I believe that in order to love, you must first love yourself. While at this point in my life I have only begun to do the former, I feel that I am discovering who I am as person, again. The point of this blog, and my new path that I am creating for myself in life, is to finally love myself for who I am, and not some irrational, colorless, dull being that the world says I should be. If I love another man, is that really wrong? Is that really going against the nature of being a human being?
It is my belief that in order to experience love, you must first learn to love yourself. Not as who someone tells you to love yourself as, but as the person that you believe you should love yourself for. Only after this act, will you finally be able to open your heart to someone else, and reciprocate that same feelings to them. There is a journey that we must all experience in our lives. That journey is to find our hearts. Underneath all the emotional layers we build up to protect ourselves from the harshness of reality is buried something that we could have long forgotten about. The heart is capable of so much, and all you have to do is know where it is and how to access it. Our hearts allow us to feel the warmth that someone just might be able to give us. They allow us to truly live for ourselves. Yes, they are quite fragile, and can be broken in an instant. But, one thing about hearts I think we have forgotten is they are unbreakable. Even though we may experience a broken heart, that does not mean it will not mend itself again; but the only way that a heart can mend itself is through love.
Although, I have just begun my journey, I am hopeful that over the next year, I may get the rare chance to share my heart with myself and friends, and on a much deeper level, someone significant to me. I have always told myself relationships are messy, complicated, and extremely difficult to navigate, but is this not essentially life itself? In denying my heart the chance to love, I have also deprived myself of living. One of the over-arching goals of my journey is to begin to actually live. We are all living, but how many of us are actually living? Over the past 23 years, I have worked extremely hard to make a living, but never have I once lived. All throughout high school, I was a hermit, to say the least. I was laser focused on one goal, and that was school. While this did pay off and I do not regret any my decisions, I do feel I could have accomplished more in these years had I taken the chance to live.
Yet, I did make significant progress in my college years. When they say college is the best four years of your life, I can attest to their validity. I made some of the most important and cherished connections in my four years of tenure at Etown (Elizabethtown College), both professionally and personally. I finally found a support network, which I have called upon over the past few years, that really has helped me improve vastly as a person. My friends have been there for me through it all, good and bad. Without them, I do not think I would be here passing along my experiences to you. I am truly humbled to have been able to meet such amazing people. Yet, to these friends, who I coveted so dearly, I had been living a farce for more than four years. My heart was never truly open to accepting what I had seen countless others find so easily. I am now at the point in my life, where my friends are starting to settle down and create their own families. I have seen these people grow close to their significant others, forming a bond that will last an eternity. Yet, I am still alone, never having experience what I have seen so commonly.
My point with all this is that love is to be shared. In all religions, beliefs, and customs,, there is some saying for love. Whether it be ying and yang or two peas in a pod, love is vital for everyone to live, so we do not simply exist in life. Love is love. Love happens regardless of orientation, gender, or societal beliefs. Love is not something that can be calculated or have an equation written to solve its many variables. Love is meant to be shared. Love is not simply a common feeling, but more an act or way of living. If you cut your heart off to accepting love, you are not only denying yourself the right to live, but the rights of others who are sending it to you. Love is not defined. Love is a subjective word that is retrospective to each individual. Therefore, I would perhaps amend my former statement to: "Love is you." Love is not something that can be defined for you. You must define it yourself. It does not start with someone else; rather, it starts with you. In order to open your heart to love, you must first meet your heart and love it for its true self. So I will end this post with a simple question:
Love is....?
I have defined what love is to me, but love will not be the same for you. You must look inside your heart and learn what that definition is for yourself. Only then will you be able to truly love yourself and love others. To Dan (Mallow610): Thank you for inspiring me. I truly do not think I would have the courage to come to terms with myself, without a push from you.
Friday, April 19, 2013
"If You Could See me Now"
3/28/2013
The other day at work, I was listening to Pandora, and a song that struck all the right chords with me came on the radio. I have heard the song before and even own the album. It had always been a song that I really connected with, but for some reason, it really hit home for me this time. The song is "If You Could See me Now" by The Script. See below for the music video. The entire album is really inspiring and has gotten me through a lot.
Before I continue any further, it would be beneficial for me to preface my latter comments with some information into my past. In my senior year, something that is extremely difficult for me to speak about occurred. In my junior year of college, I had decided to complete my second study abroad session in Japan. My first session was purely recreational, it was a summer program and that is the real reason that I feel in love with Japan, but my second time was for actual credit. Being a double major, I was only required to study abroad for a semester, which was both convenient and troublesome at the same time. On one hand, I was able to finish both majors in four years, on the other hand, I did not gain as much as I wanted to from my studies.
The first semester I was abroad in Japan from September to the end of December. However, when I returned to the U.S., I found out that my parents had hidden something from me. My mom had become ill; she had a large red rash on the one side of her face. My parents told me that they did not want to tell me about this so that I would not worry while I was abroad. It was pretty shocking to come home and hear this, considering that at this time my aunt had passed away and I had also contracted mono, all at the same time. In other words, I was an emotional wreck; however, lucky for me, it was winter break (I think I would have died if I had to go back to class at the same time, lol). The doctors had diagnosed the rash as ambrosia. However, over the next few weeks, she began feeling fatigued, her muscles were aching, and she began to lose mobility. Finally, it was time for me to go back to school. (FYI: I live in Maryland and went to school in Pennsylvania) Right before I left, I asked her "Mom, are you sure you are fine?" She assured me she was and put a smile on her face, and told me "I will be fine." These words still haunt me to this day...
I usually called my mom every few days, just to let her now I was fine and not dead. However, in March, I found out that she was not fine. In fact, when she was trying to go to the doctors for a checkup, she had fallen and went to the hospital. The doctors decided that she needed to stay due to the amount of swelling she had in arms and legs. She had been in there for a few months, before she decided to tell me. After telling me this, I was quite shocked that what she had assured me was "fine," was not fine. Then I was angry that, once again, I was the last to find out. I understand why she had hid it from me. Me graduating from college with a degree was the only thing that she had wanted from me. I have been told that she was extremely proud of me and always spoke great things about me. Yet, I still found myself somewhat angry at my family for keeping this from.
My next year of college was the emotional roller coaster from the deepest parts of hell. There were days that I had to get up in class, grab some clothes, and go to the hospital. I was quite lucky, however, due to my professors being completely understanding of my situation. There would be days when she would ask for me because something was going wrong. I remember many drives home thinking that I was going to be too late or that I would never be able to tell her I loved her one last time. I shed many tears that year, which my friends and roommates can attest to. Life lesson: alcohol makes this worse, so do not drink when depressed, just don't do it...
In the end, there was not much medicine could do to help. On December 20, 2010, we lost her. My mother was 51 years old when she passed, and I still miss her dearly to this day. The next few days are kind of hazy in my memory. We had the funeral, and all the services that go along with it. I was in a really bad emotional state for the rest of that year. When I went back to college, I couldn't really focus too much. I had really great support there, though. My friends really helped my through a lot over the years. But it was still tough to resume everyday life as though nothing had happen. I also felt like somehow my graduation was not as special as I had wanted it to be. One of the few things I wanted was for my mom to see me walk across the stage, as the first college graduate in our family.
I regret a great deal when it comes to my mom. There would be days when I would not call her because I was "grown up" and independent. And she would call me and I would yell at her, saying, "you're ruining my life." Life lesson time: you will never outgrow your mother. She will always love you and take care of you no matter what. My mother was literally the center support of my life, and without her, I feel lost and unstable. If I could have one wish, I would wish to take everything negative back that I had said about her, and to tell her who I truly am: gay and proud. Right before she passed away, the doctor asked us if we wanted to tell her any last words. My father gave me a few minutes alone in the room, and the only thing that was coming to mind was to tell her I am gay. But like a moron, I stood there in silence. I said nothing, not even I love you. What kind of son am I? I would give anything just to say those words again.
But reality is cruel SOB. As I have stated before, I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming, but this is one my biggest regrets that will travel with me for the rest of my life. This situation is part of the reason I am writing this blog. If you are reading this, I hope that my mistakes might spark a flare somewhere deep inside of you. Don't ever let a chance pass you by, you never know where you will go. I have dedicated my life to making up for my mistake, and I hope that you will be somehow touched by my intentions.
With that said, lets return to my former thought. "If You Could See me Now" truly connected with my feelings. In the song, they start off with describing someone who has passed away. The singer wants to show the one who has passed away so much more than what he was able to. It turns out that the person that was lost was actually the singer's parents. The first lyric that really stood out to me was:
The other day at work, I was listening to Pandora, and a song that struck all the right chords with me came on the radio. I have heard the song before and even own the album. It had always been a song that I really connected with, but for some reason, it really hit home for me this time. The song is "If You Could See me Now" by The Script. See below for the music video. The entire album is really inspiring and has gotten me through a lot.
Before I continue any further, it would be beneficial for me to preface my latter comments with some information into my past. In my senior year, something that is extremely difficult for me to speak about occurred. In my junior year of college, I had decided to complete my second study abroad session in Japan. My first session was purely recreational, it was a summer program and that is the real reason that I feel in love with Japan, but my second time was for actual credit. Being a double major, I was only required to study abroad for a semester, which was both convenient and troublesome at the same time. On one hand, I was able to finish both majors in four years, on the other hand, I did not gain as much as I wanted to from my studies.
The first semester I was abroad in Japan from September to the end of December. However, when I returned to the U.S., I found out that my parents had hidden something from me. My mom had become ill; she had a large red rash on the one side of her face. My parents told me that they did not want to tell me about this so that I would not worry while I was abroad. It was pretty shocking to come home and hear this, considering that at this time my aunt had passed away and I had also contracted mono, all at the same time. In other words, I was an emotional wreck; however, lucky for me, it was winter break (I think I would have died if I had to go back to class at the same time, lol). The doctors had diagnosed the rash as ambrosia. However, over the next few weeks, she began feeling fatigued, her muscles were aching, and she began to lose mobility. Finally, it was time for me to go back to school. (FYI: I live in Maryland and went to school in Pennsylvania) Right before I left, I asked her "Mom, are you sure you are fine?" She assured me she was and put a smile on her face, and told me "I will be fine." These words still haunt me to this day...
I usually called my mom every few days, just to let her now I was fine and not dead. However, in March, I found out that she was not fine. In fact, when she was trying to go to the doctors for a checkup, she had fallen and went to the hospital. The doctors decided that she needed to stay due to the amount of swelling she had in arms and legs. She had been in there for a few months, before she decided to tell me. After telling me this, I was quite shocked that what she had assured me was "fine," was not fine. Then I was angry that, once again, I was the last to find out. I understand why she had hid it from me. Me graduating from college with a degree was the only thing that she had wanted from me. I have been told that she was extremely proud of me and always spoke great things about me. Yet, I still found myself somewhat angry at my family for keeping this from.
My next year of college was the emotional roller coaster from the deepest parts of hell. There were days that I had to get up in class, grab some clothes, and go to the hospital. I was quite lucky, however, due to my professors being completely understanding of my situation. There would be days when she would ask for me because something was going wrong. I remember many drives home thinking that I was going to be too late or that I would never be able to tell her I loved her one last time. I shed many tears that year, which my friends and roommates can attest to. Life lesson: alcohol makes this worse, so do not drink when depressed, just don't do it...
In the end, there was not much medicine could do to help. On December 20, 2010, we lost her. My mother was 51 years old when she passed, and I still miss her dearly to this day. The next few days are kind of hazy in my memory. We had the funeral, and all the services that go along with it. I was in a really bad emotional state for the rest of that year. When I went back to college, I couldn't really focus too much. I had really great support there, though. My friends really helped my through a lot over the years. But it was still tough to resume everyday life as though nothing had happen. I also felt like somehow my graduation was not as special as I had wanted it to be. One of the few things I wanted was for my mom to see me walk across the stage, as the first college graduate in our family.
I regret a great deal when it comes to my mom. There would be days when I would not call her because I was "grown up" and independent. And she would call me and I would yell at her, saying, "you're ruining my life." Life lesson time: you will never outgrow your mother. She will always love you and take care of you no matter what. My mother was literally the center support of my life, and without her, I feel lost and unstable. If I could have one wish, I would wish to take everything negative back that I had said about her, and to tell her who I truly am: gay and proud. Right before she passed away, the doctor asked us if we wanted to tell her any last words. My father gave me a few minutes alone in the room, and the only thing that was coming to mind was to tell her I am gay. But like a moron, I stood there in silence. I said nothing, not even I love you. What kind of son am I? I would give anything just to say those words again.
But reality is cruel SOB. As I have stated before, I am proud of who I am and who I am becoming, but this is one my biggest regrets that will travel with me for the rest of my life. This situation is part of the reason I am writing this blog. If you are reading this, I hope that my mistakes might spark a flare somewhere deep inside of you. Don't ever let a chance pass you by, you never know where you will go. I have dedicated my life to making up for my mistake, and I hope that you will be somehow touched by my intentions.
With that said, lets return to my former thought. "If You Could See me Now" truly connected with my feelings. In the song, they start off with describing someone who has passed away. The singer wants to show the one who has passed away so much more than what he was able to. It turns out that the person that was lost was actually the singer's parents. The first lyric that really stood out to me was:
"I hope you're up there with God saying that's my kid."
I literally cry hearing this lyric. Although my mother could not be with me today, I know that she is somewhere watching over me. I live each day to make her proud of who I am becoming. Right before she passed, she gave me a look that said everything she wanted to say. They say that mother and child share a connection that can exceed the limits of normal communication. That one look told me everything that she wanted to communicate to me without speaking a single word. She told me she knew who I was, and that she would love me regardless. She said that she was proud and that I have made her life bright and fulfilling. She told me to always be true to who I am, and that I should not let anyone tell me how to live my life. She told me that she would always watch over me, and that I had no need to worry. At the time, I was a little oblivious to the look, but as I replay that moment in my mind, the message has become clear, as if it were burned into my memories for the entirety of time.
The next lyric, which really stopped me dead in my tracks, was:
"I still look for your face in the crowd.
Oh if you could see me now,
would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?"
This truly sums up my feeling and sentiments about losing my mother. I always think "what would Mom say to me here?" She was like my guidance counselor of life. She always knew that right thing to say and how to brighten my day. People often say I am intelligent, but if you really want to know true intelligence, you should have met my mother. I always wish I could hear my mom say "good job" to me one last time, as if she was telling me that you are on a great and righteous path and you are doing what you think is right. She would always be the first one who I told about any achievement or success I made. I knew that I could tell her anything and it would just make me feel right and great!
I challenge you to find a song in your life that makes you feel the same. When they say "music heals the soul," they are right. Post your comments below!
The Bible
3/27/2013
There has been a good deal of lime light on the LGBT community over the past few days. I don't really follow too well along with news and current events, seeing how most of the time it’s all one sided. However, due to my particular views on the topic at hand, Proposition 8, I could not turn a blind eye. The Supreme Court has heard cases that would essentially set a precedent for gay marriage to be legalized. The Supreme Court will spend the next several months debating on how to rule on both of these cases. If the Supreme Court rules in favor of both cases, that will essentially legalize gay marriage in the US. Personally, I have never and will never see where it is an issue for one man to marry another man. Yet, the question still remains, who said that being gay was wrong? Let’s investigate this in more detail.
When you hear the word gay marriage, you instantly think of several things. For me, when I hear that, I think of religion, and more specifically, the Bible. Now I by no means claim to be a religious man, and I have my own reasons for not doing so (I do not go around asking people why are you religious, so please do not do the same to me). However, this does not mean that I was not religious, nor does it mean that I do not understand why people are religious and believe in religion. In fact, I was raised in a Catholic family, went to Sunday school for eight years, and have been baptized, but the reason I choose not be religious is not due to me being gay. No, it is due to me being logical and rational. My problem with religion is first that I do not see any proof that God exists or that the Bible is an actual written testament of some holy being.
Let me first pose a question to you: When was the exact date the Bible was written? It is impossible to answer this question seeing as experts and researchers are not clear as to when it was scribed. Let me present another question to you, as well: What language was the Bible originally written in? Good luck answering this, considering most of the languages that the Bible was written in are gone or unknown. And herein is my problem with the Bible. We have taken a text, in which we know little about its origins, a text that has been translated hundreds, if not thousands of times, and made it govern our lives and how we should live.
With this in mind, how can we take a book that we know little about and use it to govern how people are “required” to live by some being that may have just been the farmer next door? The language that most people read the Bible in is English. Yet, this is a problem in itself. The English language is only about 1400 years old. That would put us at about 800 A.D. Which means that since the Bible is “theorized” to have been written about 3500 years ago, we would still have to make up for about 2100 years. So then how many times do you think the Bible was translated in that time period? And furthermore, how many times has the Bible been “amended.” Apparently, when God told Moses what to write, he must have left out a lot of topics that he wanted to be wrong with our way of life. Off topic, I know. If we take a look at the English language itself, I think you will be able to see what is wrong with the Bible.
The English language itself, just like all other languages, has undergone a vast amount of change. Let’s first look at modern English. When I say “English,” you’re mind automatically tells you I am speaking about English. Simple right? No, when I reference English here, I am actually only hitting the tip of the iceberg here. There is American English, proper English, Australian English, old English, and so on. If I were to travel to England now, I would probably be pretty lost in their language. They speak proper English, and it’s more than a funny accent; which if you think about, American English probably sounds like trash to them. But I digress... Now if I transpose this thought, and add in the addition of inventing time travel, going back to England 1,000 years ago, what do you think I would say to you? Well for one, I better get a Nobel Peace Prize seeing as I just proved the theory of time travel. More importantly and more relevant to this conversation, I would probably think I had traveled to a completely different world with strange customs and a language that I could not decipher for my life (if you have ever read the Canterbury Tales, you will understand where I am coming from). Although the English language is, relatively, a new language, it has undergone a great deal of change.
Therefore, how do we know what is written in the Bible is actually “truth.” Coming from my background in Japanese, I know that important thoughts can get lost in translation. Languages are like people, they are diverse, deep, and constantly changing. There are some concepts that will never directly translate to other languages. They are deeply rooted in the cultures that speak them, and for this reason they are truly unique. For instance in the Japanese language, there exists the concept of 和 (Wa). The best translation of this word would be harmony. But this one kanji represents more than just one word. On a much deeper, cultural level it represents what it means to be Japanese. Wa is the concept of group harmony. In the Japanese culture, one is taught from a very young age that the group is put first before anything else. There is a Japanese proverb that summarizes this thought full: 出る杭は打たれる (deru kui ha utareru). And even this does not directly translate, but the English equivalent would be “the nail that sticks out, gets hammered back in.” In Japanese culture, you are not supposed to try to stick out in any way, shape, or form. You are simply supposed to do what is good for the group, and not think about yourself. I could literally write a novel about this one concept alone, but I suspect that would get quite boring. If you would like learn more about wa, visit http://www.pbs.org/pov/kokoyakyu/special_wa.php But the whole point of explaining Wa is that not everything translates directly from one language to the next.
Now if we once again transpose this thought process back to the Bible, you would begin to understand where I am coming from on this subject. What if there were words that were written in the Bible that did in fact not originally translate from the original language or any of the thousands of languages that it has since been translated to. What if “no” meant “yes?” would this shatter our entire existence as we know it? All and all, I am only saying that we should not let one scripture govern how we are to live and what we are to believe in. I am logical and need vast amounts of proof to believe in something. Can we really, without a doubt, say that the Bible is true and that its true meaning was upheld throughout thousands of translations? Can we really say that society hasn't changed societal norms for over 3500 years? My personal answer to all of this is no. I do not believe that marriage means one man and one woman, nor do I believe that the true meaning of the Bible is in effect today. I should not be denied my right to marry someone who I love, someone who I have vowed to spend my entire life with, and someone who I believe to be my true soul mate, even if that person is another man.
And herein rests my problem with society today. Society has become accustomed to monotony. Society is too quick to jump aboard the bandwagon express, where they serve monotony Kool-Aid, and ride it all the way to one-sided city. Society would rather have someone think for them, than use what makes us one the most unique species on the Earth: our brains. We are capable of some the most beautiful and wondrous thought; yet, we waste these capabilities by jumping the bandwagon. We have some the greatest capabilities on the earth, but we still can’t rationalize same sex marriage?
Although the opposition has been great, I have been pleasantly surprised with how many of my Facebook friends shared my thoughts. As I was scrolling through my feed, I was amazed by how passionately my friends had supported gay marriage. I somehow am filled with the sense that maybe one day change will happen. I think a lot of the opposition is coming from older generations that are stuck in their ways, as the saying goes. I am, for now, content with knowing that when I do come out, I will have an ocean of support to do so!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Goals
3/26/2013
Today, on the drive home from work, I got this crazy idea to start documenting my thoughts daily. I often do most of my thinking during my commute to and from work, so you might want to get used to it! I have a lot of stuff that I want to get off my mind, so I figured that journaling and blogging about it would at least be a start. It’s been hard these past couple of years, both emotionally and physically. I feel that I need to start letting some of it out before I explode!
But first I think it would be a good idea to set some ground rules of what I want to accomplish in this journey. For the next year I will blog at least one entry per night. The subject will be my thoughts, experiences, and my two cents, if you will, on the world. I am hoping that you will be able to gain something from this. I also hope that I inspire you to start your memoirs and accomplish something that you never thought you could. This is a challenge, and challenges are not supposed to be easy or futile. They should have meaning and will come with a vast sea of obstacles that you not only must overcome, but explode as if you were a firecracker on steroids. Additionally, I have four goals that I hope to accomplish with in this journey:
This is my deepest secret that I have revealed to two people at the time of writing this entry. I have not been able to share with many people this side of me, but I suspect that they know already. I am gay, and I have been for most of my life. I have never been ashamed of this. I simply was not comfortable enough with myself to tell it. In grade school, I was always the one who was bullied, made fun of, and picked on. I often remember hating middle school, where I was beat up physically, emotionally, and mentally. In high school, I would tend to keep my head low and really try not to stand out. And in college, I just wanted to focus on school, friends, and life. I hid it, not because I was ashamed of it, but because it was the easiest thing to do. But now, I tend to go against the tide. Instead of hiding, I want to be open about it. I want the world to know I am gay! So I have a list of friends and family that will be the first to know. They are as follows and in no particular order:
1 Lyndsey: 4/15/2013
2 Amy: 4/11/2013
3 Beth: 3/30/2013
4 Fleming: 4/13/2013
5 Pinto: 4/13/2013
6 Tom: 4/13/2013
7 Dave: 4/15/2013
8 Maggie: 4/04/2013
9 Dad
10 Ashley (sister)
11 Kristen: 4/11/2013
12 Mom
13 Second Mom (Kathy) 4/20/2013
Rules:
In conjunction with goal # 1, I want to find my piece of happiness with my significant other. My dad often asks me “do you like women?” I always proceed to cut him off with a quick and snide “yes,” going on about how I want to focus on my career, I am not in the right financial situation to date, and that I have very little time to do so, but the truth of the matter is that I do want to date. During college, the former was true. I was extremely focused on my schooling and just enjoying life. I had often seen relationships break up friendships and put great stress on the ones involved. I did not want this, so I just never pursued one. And there was also the fact that I was in the closet the whole time, so pursuing a relationship would have been pretty much impossible.
But as time has progressed, I have come to see that being alone in the world is nothing that I would wish on even my worst enemies. At this point in my life, all of my friends have begun settling down, and marriage is pretty common. I, on the other hand, have not been able to enjoy in this. I am tired of being alone in life. I want to find someone who I can share my life with, the good and the bad. I want to be able to find someone who will be there for me and cheer me up when I am down. I want to find the man who will be my friend and love me for who I am and not for who the world says I should be. I want to experience love and find that one person who might just be Mr. Right. I know that in this year I will probably not find “the one,” but I at least want to experience in some way what it means to be in love with someone. I have never once been in a relationship in my life. So my second goal is:
A relationship is hard and tiring work. I guess there’s a reason it is called a commitment. I by no means expect to find “the one” in a year; however, I do want to experience what it means to be in love. No more being my calculative self. It's time I get myself a man! Since I am lacking in this field, I will accept all the help I can get in this. If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to comment or email me. Maybe I will try them and blog about it.
Rules:
Let this be a lesson to all recent college grads: do not expect to find your dream job out of college. I was the one who always had a plan: go to college, major in business, graduate, go to Wall Street, make bundles of money, and live happily ever after. Well I guess something went wrong with that plan and reality. Reality is like a woman on her period that you have poked and prodded one too many times. You have exploded an atomic bomb, and now you are going down in the most inhumane way she can possibly think of. (I really don’t think this way about women, but you can be kind of “catty” during that time of the month.)
What I have come to discover is that the job market is pretty rough. I had these whimsical dreams that I would be in a completely different place than I am today. However, employers could care less about you dreams, goals, and objectives. They care about getting people who they know can do the role and who have these great skills that they can use at any given time. I have seen people who have less education, fewer skills, and nowhere near the aptitude to grasp high level thinking earning a higher salary than I am. How is this possible you may ask? Well the reason is the length of time that they have worked for these companies. I have seen people, who have spent the better part of 5-10 years in these roles, in the roles that I want to be. The reason they are there is solely due to the length of time they have worked for the employer.
While this may be fine for them, I am not content with waiting 5-10 years to be in that role. I did not go to college to have to come out and wait more time to get ahead in life. Additionally, the problem that I have with my current position is that I foresee no real upward momentum. I want to make a difference at some point and somewhere. Whether it is from this blog or from doing something monumental in my professional career, I want to make difference in life. I did not sign up in life to be someone who sits there and waste their life doing nothing of any significance (although, up to this point in my life, I feel that may be all that I have accomplished). Therefore, my next objective for this year is to:
As I have informed you, I am fluent in the Japanese language. And while I would prefer to compose this journal in the Japanese language, I do not think that would beneficial at this time since this type of thinking goes directly against their way of thinking, and that’s another story. However, that will not stop me from sneaking a random bit of it into this blog every once and while. Muahahaha…
Anyway, this is actually a quote that I once offered to a friend (Pinto, you know what I am speaking of right now). So this goal is quite simple. Rather than rush into a job, I am going to spend this next year thinking about where I want to go in life, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. My last two jobs were flops, to say the least. I had rushed into without thinking ahead. They have turned out to be miserable and unyielding in my personal growth. My coworkers often tease me about my level experience, intellect, and language abilities. They often say to me “you have all this experience, and yet you are here.” However, an important life lesson that I have learned well is sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, and in the end you will have the last word. My view on this is, although I am in the same position, I am still different. What separates me from these types of people is that I am not content. These coworkers have been at the same level in this company for 6-7 years. Let me share one of my favorite quotes with you: “before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect.”
This is something that I have struggled with for a very long time: my weight. Ever since I was young, I was always more chunky than the other kids. Throughout grade school and even college, I really struggled with my weight. My parents both worked during the day and even at night just to provide for me and my sister. So usually breakfast, lunch, and dinner were whatever was the quickest and easiest to put on the table. As a child, I was not into sports, physical activity, or any of the sorts. It’s not like I did not try to be active. In fact, I played soccer, baseball, and football for several years. I enjoyed kayaking and canoeing so much, I went to camp for it. But most of it did not interest me. I would rather watch T.V. or play video games than be physically active.
Now that I am an adult, these bad habits seemed to have followed me. I work long hours, come home late, eat whatever is quick, and go to bed. Not exactly the best and most healthy routine to have. On the weekends, I usually find myself playing video games all day, again not healthy. So this goal is relatively straightforward:
I am tired of feeling like someone trapped in a body that is not mine. I know that I am better than the person I am now. I have resolved to start being more physically active and productive.
Today, on the drive home from work, I got this crazy idea to start documenting my thoughts daily. I often do most of my thinking during my commute to and from work, so you might want to get used to it! I have a lot of stuff that I want to get off my mind, so I figured that journaling and blogging about it would at least be a start. It’s been hard these past couple of years, both emotionally and physically. I feel that I need to start letting some of it out before I explode!
But first I think it would be a good idea to set some ground rules of what I want to accomplish in this journey. For the next year I will blog at least one entry per night. The subject will be my thoughts, experiences, and my two cents, if you will, on the world. I am hoping that you will be able to gain something from this. I also hope that I inspire you to start your memoirs and accomplish something that you never thought you could. This is a challenge, and challenges are not supposed to be easy or futile. They should have meaning and will come with a vast sea of obstacles that you not only must overcome, but explode as if you were a firecracker on steroids. Additionally, I have four goals that I hope to accomplish with in this journey:
Goal # 1: I am gay…
9 Dad
10 Ashley (sister)
12 Mom
Rules:
- As each person is told said person’s name must be crossed off the list and.
- Must construct a blog entry strictly about telling that person: memorable quotes, feelings from both sides, and any wisdom that was gained.
Goal # 2: Hey, Cupid! Over here, please!!
In conjunction with goal # 1, I want to find my piece of happiness with my significant other. My dad often asks me “do you like women?” I always proceed to cut him off with a quick and snide “yes,” going on about how I want to focus on my career, I am not in the right financial situation to date, and that I have very little time to do so, but the truth of the matter is that I do want to date. During college, the former was true. I was extremely focused on my schooling and just enjoying life. I had often seen relationships break up friendships and put great stress on the ones involved. I did not want this, so I just never pursued one. And there was also the fact that I was in the closet the whole time, so pursuing a relationship would have been pretty much impossible.
But as time has progressed, I have come to see that being alone in the world is nothing that I would wish on even my worst enemies. At this point in my life, all of my friends have begun settling down, and marriage is pretty common. I, on the other hand, have not been able to enjoy in this. I am tired of being alone in life. I want to find someone who I can share my life with, the good and the bad. I want to be able to find someone who will be there for me and cheer me up when I am down. I want to find the man who will be my friend and love me for who I am and not for who the world says I should be. I want to experience love and find that one person who might just be Mr. Right. I know that in this year I will probably not find “the one,” but I at least want to experience in some way what it means to be in love with someone. I have never once been in a relationship in my life. So my second goal is:
To meet someone and experience some form of love: the good and bad.
A relationship is hard and tiring work. I guess there’s a reason it is called a commitment. I by no means expect to find “the one” in a year; however, I do want to experience what it means to be in love. No more being my calculative self. It's time I get myself a man! Since I am lacking in this field, I will accept all the help I can get in this. If you have any suggestions for me, feel free to comment or email me. Maybe I will try them and blog about it.
Rules:
- Must journal about anyone who I meet.
- If a relationship is formed, updates must be provided monthly about how I am feeling and how it is progressing.
- Must experience love!
Goal # 3: I hate my job!
Let this be a lesson to all recent college grads: do not expect to find your dream job out of college. I was the one who always had a plan: go to college, major in business, graduate, go to Wall Street, make bundles of money, and live happily ever after. Well I guess something went wrong with that plan and reality. Reality is like a woman on her period that you have poked and prodded one too many times. You have exploded an atomic bomb, and now you are going down in the most inhumane way she can possibly think of. (I really don’t think this way about women, but you can be kind of “catty” during that time of the month.)
While this may be fine for them, I am not content with waiting 5-10 years to be in that role. I did not go to college to have to come out and wait more time to get ahead in life. Additionally, the problem that I have with my current position is that I foresee no real upward momentum. I want to make a difference at some point and somewhere. Whether it is from this blog or from doing something monumental in my professional career, I want to make difference in life. I did not sign up in life to be someone who sits there and waste their life doing nothing of any significance (although, up to this point in my life, I feel that may be all that I have accomplished). Therefore, my next objective for this year is to:
GET A CAREER でございる(degozairu)
As I have informed you, I am fluent in the Japanese language. And while I would prefer to compose this journal in the Japanese language, I do not think that would beneficial at this time since this type of thinking goes directly against their way of thinking, and that’s another story. However, that will not stop me from sneaking a random bit of it into this blog every once and while. Muahahaha…
Anyway, this is actually a quote that I once offered to a friend (Pinto, you know what I am speaking of right now). So this goal is quite simple. Rather than rush into a job, I am going to spend this next year thinking about where I want to go in life, what I want to do, and how I am going to do it. My last two jobs were flops, to say the least. I had rushed into without thinking ahead. They have turned out to be miserable and unyielding in my personal growth. My coworkers often tease me about my level experience, intellect, and language abilities. They often say to me “you have all this experience, and yet you are here.” However, an important life lesson that I have learned well is sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, and in the end you will have the last word. My view on this is, although I am in the same position, I am still different. What separates me from these types of people is that I am not content. These coworkers have been at the same level in this company for 6-7 years. Let me share one of my favorite quotes with you: “before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect.”
Goal # 4 I’m big boned...
This is something that I have struggled with for a very long time: my weight. Ever since I was young, I was always more chunky than the other kids. Throughout grade school and even college, I really struggled with my weight. My parents both worked during the day and even at night just to provide for me and my sister. So usually breakfast, lunch, and dinner were whatever was the quickest and easiest to put on the table. As a child, I was not into sports, physical activity, or any of the sorts. It’s not like I did not try to be active. In fact, I played soccer, baseball, and football for several years. I enjoyed kayaking and canoeing so much, I went to camp for it. But most of it did not interest me. I would rather watch T.V. or play video games than be physically active.
Now that I am an adult, these bad habits seemed to have followed me. I work long hours, come home late, eat whatever is quick, and go to bed. Not exactly the best and most healthy routine to have. On the weekends, I usually find myself playing video games all day, again not healthy. So this goal is relatively straightforward:
Lose 50 pounds, or more.
I am tired of feeling like someone trapped in a body that is not mine. I know that I am better than the person I am now. I have resolved to start being more physically active and productive.
Introduction
Recently, I undertook a journey to change my life. I am still not sure where I am heading, who I will encounter, or what obstacles I may have to overcome. It has been quite a rough couple of years, and I have set out with determination and resolve to change this. I am excited to see where I am headed with this journey. I have already over come so much since I set out on this voyage, and I hope that I will be able to inspire those who, too, want to change their lives.
But first let me introduce myself to you. I am a 23 year old male, who has recently graduated college, and entered the work force. I grew up in Baltimore where I attended all my grade schooling. When I graduated high school, I decided to attend an out of state college. I was accepted to Elizabethtown College, where I experienced the best four years of my life. I was able to meet some really exceptional people, forming everlasting friendships and bonds. I was able to learn from some of the greatest minds in this age. Most of my professors were at a doctoral level, and had been well seasoned professionals in their fields. I was able to double major in business administration and Japanese with a concentration in marketing. I was able to travel to Japan numerous times, and immerse myself in a new culture and way of life. I was able to meet a vast amount of ethnicities from all over the world, and know that I have friends everywhere. But most importantly, E-town (as we refer to it) helped me form a family that I have leaned on over the past few weeks.
You see for the entirety of my attendance I had always kept a giant secret from my friends. Up until now, I was fine with keeping this secret buried. What most people do not know about me is that I am gay. It’s not that I am ashamed of it, but that I did not want to complicate things for my friends, family, and roommates at college. I was extremely focused in college, and although I wonder if that focus paid off for me now, I was there for school and did not want to make life more difficult. So I did my best to hide my true feelings from my friends. But now that I am more stable in life, I feel that I am at an opportune time to share my thoughts on coming out and, also, coming into myself.
This will be one year experience, in which I have set four objectives for myself to achieve. I will try to journal every night and share the experience with anyone who cares to read. My hope for this blog is not simply to just share my experience, but that my experiences offer you inspiration to do the same. I have been in a very dark place for a few years now. I not only am doing this for my benefit, but also for the benefit of others, and possibly even you. I want others to know, if you are struggling with something, you are not alone. You will always have someone who cares about you and who wants to help you. I implore you to follow my steps and set your own goals and work towards achieving them.
Please comment and leave your feedback, I will be reading it all. If you would like to contact, by all means do; my email address is a.beowulf.harris@gmail.com. I am lucky to have been able to form such a great network of friends and family that have helped support me through this time in my life. I know that not everyone will have same experience, but I would like to help in any way possible. If you are in the dark, lost, or off your path, please do not hesitate to reach out to me! We all need someone to support us! Here is my journey!
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